A letter to Mom in heaven.

Today is day 3 that you have been an angel in heaven, 3 days you have been cancer free and pain free, 3 days you have been back with Grandma, grandpa, and Byron, 3 days we have been left here on earth missing you, 3 days of heartache and tears. Its only been 3 days but feels like weeks have passed by.
 you always said that when someones passes away the ones left behind were the ones who suffered.
We miss you so much here on earth but know we will see you in our dreams like you said we would.
I know we had time to say good bye but I still had to much to ask you, i still needed you to show me things, to give me advice, to share things that only a mother and daughter could share, I was not ready, i dont think any of us were ready.
 Yesterday I struggled though wanting you back, but knowing if you were here you would still be hurting.
Life is not fair sometimes and right now seems unbearable at moments to deal with, I know with a bit of time it will get a bit easier to get though. Life will never be the same but i know if we keep to our promise to you of sticking together we will be able to pull though.
You have given so much of yourself to all of us, and i learned all i know from you, You taught me what it meant to live with your heart outside your body when I had my children, I learned what it meant to love unconditionally and fully, You taught the tools i needed to live life and to face this world, Thank-you mom for all you have done for me.
I am dreading the day when life goes back to some what normal days and i can't call you to say "I love you mom" instead i will be talking to you like i do with Byron knowing you will still here my call to you.
We all will learn a new way of living life without you here with us, it will take a while but we will be okay, just like you said we would be.
I know you see us crying out for you, and i know you are holding us though this.
I love you and miss you so much mom, we all do.
with love from Corinna.
P.S. Dad will be okay, we are here for him.

Feeling great!

This morning was my weekly weigh in, the alarm clock went buzz to tell me it was time to rise and get my butt to the scale to weigh in, I went for my pee, then pulled out my good ol friend the weight scale. I looked at it, waited a moment, talked to myself, saying if it shows the same number it did last week that i would keep on at it, it does not matter really what number shows on the scale, all that matters is I FEEL GREAT, the weight loss is the bonus.
After my silly pep talk i tapped the scale with my toe (its digital) removed any clothing that might add even 1/2 a point to the number that shows, and with my eyes closed i took the step, i waited a moment longer before i opened my eyes, and to my pleasant surprise it showed that in 25 days i lost 13.8LBS.
Now i know your sitting there saying to yourself OK cool your loosing weight, but are you not just a little over the top happy, its only 13.8lbs? well i guess i am, and let me tell you that THIS IS the most i ever lost, (childbirth does not count) LOL.
Now let me tell you something scary, well i thought it was anyway. I now weigh as much as i did full term prego with Rhiannon, that thought almost brings me to tears thinking that i let myself go and gained so much weight, I realized with reading other blogs that follow this plan and the 17dd book, that I am was an emotional eater, i have done some deep soul searching to find out why I am like that, and it all comes back to me not liking who I am was.
I made a promise to mom I would keep this new lifestyle up for me no matter what.
And i plan on keeping that promise forever.

He would have been 29 yrs old today!

 I had said in a blog post herehttp://learningtostaystrong.blogspot.com/2010/11/i-miss-him-so-much.html that i would tell you more about this wonderful brother of mine, and what better way than today, what would have been his birthday.
I have a hard time still with days like today, i don't need a special day to remember him because his memory crosses my mind everyday. I think it does get easier, but some days are still hard to make it though. like today.
Byron and I were 18 months apart in age, we grew together, and at one point we were asked at school in grade 7 and 8 if we were twins? lol we both laughed and just went with it, but it did not last long as people realized we were not, we told mom about it and she just laughed with us too. (i miss those days).

 We were the best of buddies, always together, don't get me wrong we did the normal sibling thing a fought, but it never lasted long and we were buddies again.
Byron at one point growing up, grew faster than me, and i remember people asking if he was older, it never was a big deal to us, with him bigger felt like he was my protector when we were in elementary school.

 We did almost everything together, and even when we had problems at school with peers we still had each other to turn to with an unconditional friendship, he never judged me in anyway at all, he was and still is a huge part of who I am today.

 A week before his drowning accident, him and mom were visiting my little family, Aidan was just about 9 months old, Byron went to hunt down 4 used tires to hang on a swing that was in our yard that was there from previous owners, he had Aidan in his stroller, he said he needed Aidan there so he could talk to him and they could spend some time together. He hung those tires up so his nephew and future nieces could one day play on them, That swing still holds 2 of those tires (we needed room to hang a baby swing, and we found a tire horse at a garage sale). I think he still watches from heaven as the kids play on them and smiles down on them.

Today February 16Th he would have been 29 years old, wish he was here to celebrate it, but I know he will be celebrating up there and smiling down to us, he would have never wanted today to be a sad day, so today i have a candle lit for him, and I will quietly sing him Happy Birthday.

To My Valentine.

Today 7 years ago we came together as husband and wife, I can not not picture life with out you.
we may not always agree on everything, and we may at times get on each other nerves, but we always seem to get over disagreements and find a happy medium.
We had a 2year engagement, and and Aidan was 2 years old by the time we tied the knot, most would think this was not right, but it was perfect for us, I still laugh at how on Christmas eve of 2003 less that 2 months before we got married, we were with my side of the family, we were having supper and someone at the table started to say that there was alot of weddings coming up in 2004, and we looked at each other not yet knowing if we were 1 of those that were going to get married that year, i said ya we are too, i looked at you as everyone paused and stared at us, and you said on valentine's day, we never talked about it, it just flowed out, after we left my sister house we then realized wow we got alot to do because it was 1 1/2 month away,  I asked you why valentines day and you said so then you would not forget it because its posted everywhere in the stores. LOL funny man of mine did not want to be in the doghouse for forgetting our day together, smart one.
We have been though alot together, the birth of 3 beautiful children, the life and death decisions for our daughter, the end of your family's farm, the loss of family members, the hardships that are typical to most married couples, a new home, and many more. these are all things that bring us closer together.
I love you Eric, and I am looking forward to many more years together.
I wish you were here with me to celebrate our wedding anniversary together, but i understand you need to be where you are working.
I am looking forward to the weekend comming so we can have our romantic date night at home, the kids know about it and are looking forward to it too, I did tell them they were not invited, that they would be set up in the basement with a movie and snacks so we can spend a nice romantic evening together.
I Love you Eric, happy anniversary/valentine day babe.
With lots of love from your Sweetie Corinna. XOXO!

Terri Clark "Smile" Live in San Bernardino, CA, 10/15/10

The arms of a mother!

Yesterday last minute i took a trip by myself to see mom and dad.
as much as it was not planned, i have to say this husband of mine has come along way in the past couple months, when i told him i was gonna go, all he said was "OK, drive safe," he never once questioned it, i think he understands that i need to be with mom as much as i can.
So i headed out, got to the hospital, after the drive straight there and lots of water drinking, I HAD TO PEE SO BAD! i walked in the doors past 2 men who were talking, i had slightly forgot for a split second where the bathroom was, and the 1 guy asks behind me are you looking for someone? i turned around and as i was just about to ask where the bathroom was, i realized the person was my dad, i almost started to cry, because after seeing him at Christmas i did not expect to see him look that good, he has made such a huge recovery, still a bit weak but he is dad again, i missed him so much, and i made sure to tell him that.
After i FINALLY made it to the bathroom, I made my way to moms hospital room.
Dad, mom and I visited for a bit, talked and laughed some.
it was nice seeing dad getting better, and knowing he is taking care of mom,which was different because mom has always been the one taking care of dad, it was a side of dad i loved seeing. just wish it was under different circumstances.
The biggest thing i went for was a hug from mom, her arms are like no other arms, because she is mom. those arms have hugged me when i was a little girl growing up, no matter if i was bad, or good, they always held her children with unconditional love.
Those arms hugged me almost everyday till i was 19yrs old, they hugged me when her and i went to the doctor about my heart problems, they hugged me when i told mom and dad i was ready to move out on my own, they hugged me when i found the man i was going to spend the rest of my life with, when i told her i was giving her a grand baby, the day my first baby was born.
those arms where there the day my brother died, after she said goodbye to one child as he took his last breath she was able to turn and hold all of us in her arms and guide us though the tragic loss of Byron.
those arms were there with my son after my second baby came into this world,
those arms where there when i came out of  c-section for my third child who no one thought would live, she stayed with me and held my hand and told me it would all be OK, that she would be there for me what ever happened.
those arms hugged me when she finally seen Rhiannon beat the odds.
Those arms hugged Lena and I as we sat there on September 15Th 2010, as the doctor gave her and us the news of her cancer and little chance of survival.
She hugged us girls as we had to deal with both her and dad ended up in the hospital over Christmas.
And as she laid in her hospital bed yesterday weak, and tired, she still opened her arms to give me a hug, it was so warm and soft, so much unconditional love, that only a mother can have.