Only at night!

Well this household has been hit with a stomach bug, at 11pm last night my little Rhiannon was up from her sleep and very fussy, she just wanted me, I knew that moment she was not well she was very pail in color and cried uncontrollably then came the OMG moment and yup it was everywhere.......all over my bed and her and the floor. as i yelled for Eric to come and help with puke duty (he was on the computer at that time), he cleaned the puke that hit the floor and I attended to the puke covered child, i tiny part of me celebrated when  noticed it was not in her hair, so a bath did not have to happen just a quick sponge bath, and lots of hand sanitizer after she was settled in a bed on the floor near my bed, i then went to start laundry that was all my bedding her PJ's and some towels and face cloths, I don't like the smell of puke laundry sitting and after a child pukes I will smell it until its washed, so at 1am that's what i was doing, at 2ish am she woke again to puke but this time i had my puke bucket ready to catch the flying mess, i think i did well because  did not have any puke anywhere but the bucket, 1 point for me, yay. lol and by the way the rule in this house is if i have to attend to the sick children and hubby gets to sleep, i get to wake him to empty the bucket and wash it out. lol. that's my reward for catching the puke in the bucket. :D
she did not sleep from 2-5:30am and he only thing that helped my poor baby was to rub her back and sit near her while she dry heaved.
As much as I wanted sleep, I felt my time was better spent soothing her, sleep will come later, i will live though the day and hope for a better night tonight.
My fingers are crossed that this is just 1 kid and not anyone else but if not than I guess puke duty will be my night time job for a bit..........IT ALWAYS HAPPENS AT NIGHT!  I am not letting my guard down yet.

UPDATE: A few hours after posting this, Edina was at school when she started to feel unwell, she did not puke yet but she says she feels yuck in her tummy,she is home from school until she is better, hope tonight is not a repeat of last night, because this mommy NEEDS some sleep really bad.
here is to a restful night.........i hope.

It is what it is, and I am who I am!

I guess we all sometimes ask ourselves who we really are, do you know who you are? do you let people know who that person is that you know? and if not the why?
I guess at one point or another we have all pretended to be someone we really are not, I guess what I am trying to say is that if you know you then you would not have to hide and cover up in lies to pretend to be someone you are not.
I may not be the perfect mother who is super involved with her children's school, or have tons of friends, or go to the gym to work out, I may not have the perfect body and yes I am over weight, I have yo yo dieted and would love nothing more than to stick to it and loose the extra pounds because I need to and I want to, so I guess what I am trying to get across and asking you is if you would like to join me in a weight loss challenge, add yourself as a follower and  together we can be who we want to be and be comfortable with who we are, so today is day 1 and  I plan on posting my ups and downs with trying to loose weight and get healthy for me.
I am not planning on going from my over weight body to a super slim exercise-a-holic because lets be real here I HAVE KIDS and that is my soul focus in this journey. and no i am not going to mention my weight on here, just how much LBS and inches i am down each week.
P.S. don't be shy let me know who you are. if you want to join me.

Thank-you COFFEE For Making Crazy Mornings A Bit Easier To Handle........

Every morning I get up 30min before the "start time of the day" witch is 7am, just so i can wake up, have a cup of much needed so good coffee, and the best part I get to go pee with out anyone in the bathroom with me, It seems like no matter when I go to the bathroom I ALWAYS have a follower and if i lock the door so they can't come in, they knock bang on the door asking "MOM WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE" really do they honestly think i would be in there having a party of some sort they just don't want to miss? the doctor was not kidding when I went for my first appointment when i was prego with Aidan that i was never going to get my privacy back. LOL. boy if  i knew then what i know now.
Before the kids have to get up i usually get a full HOT cup of coffee down.
So at the start time i go and wake the ONLY necessary people, Aidan and Edina and if i am really having a lucky day Rhiannon will stay sleeping for as long as i can keep the other 2 quite, this does not happen often and if shes awake she just follows along with the routine, I make them breakfast i sit them at the table apart from each other because if they are beside each other they WILL fight it never fails, as they eat their breakfast i make lunches and pack the back packs and if i am lucky i will have gotten a sip of coffee in, then its time to get dresses, the rule in this house is that sweat pants can only be worn one day of the 5 day school cycle, Aidan will always argue this EVERY morning with me and try his hardest to wheel and deal some chore with me to allow him to wear sweats more than 1 day, I don't give in, he just thinks he can change my mind with a bribe.
after they are dressed the whole keep the kids separate still applies, they have to brush their teeth but one at a time in the bathroom, if not someone will find something to start a fight. gosh all they have to do is just look at each other wrong and all hell breaks loose.
after teeth brushing the hair must be at least brushed to remove bed head.
this whole process believe it or not takes 1hr to complete they then must get the whole out door gear on and with it being winter and snow outside they have to wear their snow suits which i have to remind myself to tell them to go to the bathroom before you get the snow suits on.......yes this happened today, after they were ALL dressed Edina looks at me and says what every parent dreads to hear when they wait for the bus all bundled up in their snow suit " mommy i have to go POOP" I asked her why she did not go before she got her snow suit on and she simply said i only had to pee. and as i look at the clock, and take a deep breath  i know the bus will be here in a matter of minutes. OK lets get ALL this stuff off and go to the bathroom, its amazing how when you say "your gonna miss the bus if you don't hurry up", how quickly going poop can take we spend more time getting the snow suit back on than it took for her to go, wipe, flush, and wash hands.
as they leave on the bus, than if Rhiannon has not all ready gotten up from all of the noise then it time to get her breakfast and I get to drink my 2nd cup of coffee COLD because it got to sit and wait for me to sort out the morning crazy routine.
So as crazy as my mornings are COFFEE with CAFFINE is still my hero to save me as I wake in the morning, I LOVE YOU COFFEE. thanks for making my mornings possible.
Have a good day, I know i will because I GOT MY HOT COFFEE IN MY HAND!!!!!! MMMMMMM!

When you think your sinking.....grab the life jacket.

In my case, I feel like I'm sinking in a pool of the unknown, with everything that is happening, some days I just feel like crawling into a dark quite hole and just make like none of this is really happening.
But I have life jackets to help me stay afloat, an they come to me as the people in this world that are the world to me. My parents, my sister Lena, my wonderful husband, my children, my best friend Dawn, these people have been there though every rough moment from problems with my health, to the difficult time we had with our youngest birth (BTW Dawn and her family cut their vacation short, 4hrs away and came to my hospital bed to give me a hug, talk about going the extra distance for a friend) (my mom was there to as I came out of the OR, to just hold my hand and tell me it will be ok) ( my sister Lena SAVED mine and my baby's life by getting us to the hospital safety, and when I was not able to be there she turned into my kids step in mommy without being asked) (my husband held my hand and took the "father" role and became a man I had never seen i him until Rhiannon's birth).
 These people save me everyday, just when I feel like I need a pick me up they are there at just the right time, whether its a phone call, a hug, or just simply making it known that they are there to help keep me afloat.
Thank-you for being there for me. you are the world to me. and for that I love you.

A weekend to hold forever in my heart!

So this past weekend my little family and I went to visit my mom and dad, Its not like it used to be, because this time I think more about how to hold the memories closer to my heart.
We got there at about 10ish in the morning on Saturday, mom had asked me to help her go though her linen closet to straighten it up, I never in a million years would have enjoyed that job but it was time with my mom. Her and I went to the grocery store to pick up a few things, and my mind kept thinking about how her and I did that together when i lived at home just 10 years ago. i miss those days and sometimes wish I could go back, but reality hits me and I know I can't, that's why they call them memories! I am so happy I have them, they often make me smile when all I want to do is cry.
Sunday mom made brunch and Rhiannon asked grandma if she could crack the eggs, moms ONLY responce to that was sure you can, she like always with her grand kids gets down to their level and shows them how to, she stood behind Rhiannon held her hands in hers and they hit the egg on the counter top and showed Rhiannon that you hold it over the bowl and squish it, The smile on moms face and the look on Rhiannon's face was one that was priceless, I wish I had a picture to show but......after brunch and a clean up mom and I were going though a few things from when I lived at home, craft things her and I were going to do but never got around to it, not really sure why. But I had fun going though that stuff that made both of us go " oh yeah, i remember when we were going to do that" and we both laugh.
I had a hard time seeing my dad, he has lost alot of weight and looks like he has aged 10years in just a month since the last time I had seen him. in the past I used to joke around and always wipe his sloppy kiss off my cheek, he also would joke around with a kiss on the cheek hello or good bye, Its not like that way anymore and Dad asked why I don't the only answer i had for him is " I want the kiss to keep" unfortunately he never herd me because his hearing is going. It was hard to fight the tears but I did not want him thinking I was falling apart, I did not want him to feel bad for me.
I enjoyed the time with mom and dad, i will hold this with me forever.
I love you mom and dad, more than you know. stay strong and fight because i need you.

I miss him so much!

Let me introduce my brother Byron he still is a huge part of who i am, even though he is not here on earth, as kids we did everything together, he was practically my twin even though there was 18months between us, in school one time when we started junior high school, we got sick and tired of people asking if we were twins we just said "ya we are". lol
Byron became an angel in August of 2002.
I miss this young man everyday, though all the hard times in our family I know he is there watching over all of us, I dream about him often, and my mom tells me that's called a visit, they are comforting to me to have those dreams, they often are of him just sitting in the same room as me he does not talk but just smiles, just like the picture.
I see him in my children ,more so in Aidan, he resembles like alot of Byron's childhood pictures, Aidan has the same nose, and i often wonder if this is how my little man will some what look when he is a man.
Some days I am sad that i can't just have a hug from him but I know he is no far when I feel like that.
My kids often ask about Uncle Byron and I don't hold back any memory that i have of him.
When Aidan was born Byron and my mom came to the hospital to see us, he held Aidan so proudly as if he was his son, in the picture above in his arms that you can not see is my niece Chelsey at 2 months of age, see how he just glowed with pride, he loved kids so much and would have loved to show his nieces and nephews all that he knew, but i know he watches over them everyday.
Some day I will post some childhood pictures of the two of us together, and tell a few memories.

Untill next time have a wonderful weekend, I know I will because I'm going to visit my mom and dad.

What it means to me.

So yesterday i came across a song that struck a tender note in my heart, here are the words to it.

                                                      A KISS GOOD-BYE.
When you loose something~It's all that you want back~You wait impatiently~But it don't work like that~~~~When you loose someone~The first thing that goes though your head~Is if you run fast enough you just might catch up~But it don't work like that~~~~(chorus) You just got to watch it fly~~~Stand there on the sidelines~Go on and swallow you pride~Know is gonna be alright~Wish it well and close your eyes~ With a kiss goodbye~~~~Well the hardest part~Yeah it hurts so bad~Is when she spreads her wings~ But it'd be a selfish thing to try and hold her back~But it don't work like that~~~(chorus) ~When you loose something~It's all that you want back~~~(chorus)~~~Like a kiss goodbye.

This song is from a group called Little big town, it can have many meanings for many people, I let Eric listen to i and he said or him he felt that i was referring to a little girl growing up.
To me i feel like this is what it like in my heart, with what is happening with my mom, i can't change the lung cancer, i cant keep her here for the comfort of having her here on earth that when the time comes we just have to be able to say goodbye and let her go.
And as my mom said to me when we all found out she had lung cancer that if anything comes from this if she looses her battle than we do get to say goodbye.
some days are harder than others, today is just one of those not easy days.

Rhiannon Makenna!

The day I found out I was pregnant with Rhiannon I was filled with alot of thoughts, I think the biggest one was "I so did not expect this one" "are we ready for another child?" I was most of all scared, giving birth to Aidan and Edina was not at all easy on me, with my heart problem its just a higher risk being pregnant, but as time went on I was ok with it, really that is the only way to be with it.
Everything went normal with the pregnancy no morning sickness, no heart burn, just tired mostly because I was running after my other 2 kids. I did have 4 ultrasounds throughout the pregnancy just to check size of the baby, and after the placenta previa i had with Edina, the doc just wanted to make sure all was well.
I think the biggest difference between my pregnancy with Rhiannon and the other 2 was the simple fact the the other 2 due dates were in the winter and Rhiannon was in the middle of summer.
On July 28th 2007, I felt a bit tired and as the morning went on felt waves of dizziness and weakness, I made a call to the hospital and they asked for me to come in for monitoring and with it being hot out maybe i was dehydrated, so off we went the 45min drive to the hospital, as we were driving in I felt very sick and just over all unwell, after we got there the nurse asked me to give up a pee sample, but for the life of me i could not and felt the best place for me to be was in the bed.
The nurse hooked me up to the fetal monitor and  left to get the doctor on call, they returned to tell me the baby's heart rate was very high and ordered blood work to be done, when the blood work came back it showed a low blood count and the cure for that was a blood transfusion, the doctor said that after I received the extra blood if the baby's heart rate did not come down  then he would have to deliver the baby that day.
I had 2 units of blood and she responded to it and her heart went back to a normal rate, the doctor said they would keep me over night and if the night went well i could go home until my body was ready to have the baby.
but as the night went on my body  started to go into labor and by 6am the doctor said he felt he needed to just do a c-section and end what ever was going on.
I was prepped for the surgery and as soon as the doctor was cutting into my uterus he realized i was having a placental abruption and as those words came out of his mouth the OR moved very fast and quite, I felt no pain but did feel the moment she came out, on July,29,2007 Rhiannon Makenna Kohl entered this world at 8:44am and weighed 8lbs 13oz,  i thought i would hear a cry, but nothing came from her, she was pulled out of my body "dead" and after what seemed like forever they worked on her and "brought her back" and they had her hooked up to a ventilator, IV's, all sorts of wires to measure her vitals.
because we were at a hospital that did not care for critically ill babies she needed to be air lifted to Edmonton to the stollery children's NICU, 5hrs after she was born she was ready to be taken there, but before she and Eric left I got to see my baby for the first time as they wheeled her issolete by into the elevators it was a very fast intro and a good bye as they needed to get going.
they told us that they did not think they would make it to Edmonton with her still alive, so I had no choice but to sit back and wait for a phone call to tell me she was still with us. while I waited I had to have 2 more units of blood to stabilize my body which was confirmed that I had a grade 3 placental abruption that I had no signs or symptoms of.
After they had her in the NICU they were better able to stabilize her and let her body start to heal itself.
after a brief 3 days i begged the doctor to let me out of the hospital so I could go to my baby's side, and at 4days old I finally got to see my baby fully for the first time, and 15min before i got to her side the doctors decided to take her breathing tube out, what a wonderful surprise. all i could do was just sit there and study her every feature, after all EVERYONE ELSE got to besides me, it was not till recently that i just started to get over this, NO MOTHER should ever be the last person to get to see and study her baby EVER!!!!!!!but that is another story.
on august 2nd 2007 she was transferred to intermediate care nursery at the grey nuns hospital, from there she made leaps and bounds on her recovery and every doctor told us that this child would not live and if she did that she would not be a "normal" kid, on August 14th 2007 at 17 days old she was released from the hospital.
Rhiannon has had her share of complications, from simple colds that land her in the ER with breathing problems, to learning delays, we worked with a physical therapy group to get her where she needed to be "normal".
Today I can say she is "normal". she has taught me what life is about, she has taught me to slow down and enjoy today for what it is, she has taught me to "hold on" when everyone else around you is saying there is no hope. Rhiannon is a ball of energy that has a huge heart of gold just like her brother and sister, not a day goes by that she does not say something funny.
I am so proud of all my kids they are what keeps me going everyday, because if it were not for them i know i would give up when times are tough. they put a smile in my heart. and for that i love them, i will forever, isn't that what mothers supposed to do.

We may not have it all together, but together we have it all!

As some days seem exhausting and just plain stressful, these faces of my little family keep me going, I went though school not knowing what I wanted to do as I became an adult and until I set my eyes on my first child, I knew in an instant THIS is what i was put on this earth to do.
After we had Edina I thought I was done the child bearing years of my life, but now I can not even picture a life with just 2 kids, I was meant to have and raise 3 beautiful babies, they are the perfect 3 kids for me, they are exactly what kids I wanted.
What really could make me more whole as the person I am? I feel like the luckiest person alive,  have been blessed with my wonderful husband, who is at times weird, but I love him and he makes it so I can have the wonderful job of a stay at home mom to our kids, he accepts me for me.
I love my wonderful family, they are perfect for me.

Edina Leanne.

Edina is our middle child who has taken that role wonderfully, i can not imagine the other 2 in her spot she just does a perfect job. :)
Edina was a "planned" pregnancy and was conceived just shortly after we got married in 2004. when i had my first ultrasound at 20ish weeks were told by the doctor that the placenta was over top of the cervix and to take it easy because if it was disturbed in any way it could cause the placenta to rip and hemorrhage resulting in us loosing the baby, so i followed the docs advice and did not go on bed rest but took it easy no heavy lifting, no running after the cattle, no sex, and also planning a c-section, when i hit 35 weeks i had another ultrasound and was then told with the baby growing it made the placenta move off of the cervix which then we were not having a c-section and i was given the go ahead to "be normal". lol.
we were so busy on the farm with cattle and such and that year we did not have a whole lot of snow o we were able to graze the cows on hay fields, that just made it so instead of feeding we just moved cows from field to field, cheaper but a pain in the butt.
On December 16Th 2004 the day before my due date, we were moving the cows to a new grazing patch which did not take to long, Eric was ahead of the herd leading them with a bale of hay and Aidan and i bring up the back with the pick-up truck, of course there had to be one stupid cow that did not want to go and decided to turn and go back though the willow trees, so that left me (Eric was way ahead) to run after her though the willows and get her with the herd, she changed her mind about going back when i got her into a open area and put a run on her with the truck, i would just love to write about exactly why the cow decided to go with the herd but i fear someone will take that out of context and assume something different, lets just say when we were done Eric asked why that cow who he knew was in the back and is always in the back ran ahead of the whole herd and the tractor he was in and beat everyone to the field. i told him you just don't mess with me when I'm 40 weeks pregnant, she knew what was best for her. LOL.
so that night after we had supper and Aidan was bathed and tuck int bed, i was tired and went to bed but could not sleep, and realized i had cramps, oh great I'm labor now, and all i want to do is sleep, but we had to get someone to come stay with Aidan and we needed to get to the hospital.
After 15 hrs of labor on December 17Th 2004, we welcomed Edina Leanne into the world at 5:57pm, she weighed in at 9lbs 3oz. as the doctor said we now had the "perfect family" 1 boy 1 girl really what more could be perfect than 2 healthy kids.
Edina's name came from eric's grandma who was edina as well as her daughter, who was the last female kohl born before our edina 68yrs before, when i was in labor, we realized that we were so busy we really did not talk about any names and did not realize the significance in her name till after we were home. Leanne came from a magazine that Eric was reading while i was in labor and to decide on a middle name he opened the magazine randomly and started to read it and the first female name he came across was Leanne so that is how we got the name, just randomly. lol
Edina is almost like Aidan in wanting to be everyone's friend, and has such a kind heart.
she is such a princess and loves anything to do with fashion, her favorite show happens to be the wedding dress shows, she loves horses and adores her pony, they love each other and it amazes me how she is so out going and will try anything once, some days i wish i was like that.

Dear Edina.
my dear sweet little princess, I love you more than words can say, you and your brother and sister are the sunshine in my heart and make me smile everyday, I am so glad i have you to brighten up my days.
I want you to know to always dance like no one is watching you.
                                       With love from mommy forever to the moon and back.

A mothers instinct is never wrong.

Last week I took Edina to the eye doctor to have her eyes looked at because she complained that things on her left side looked like they were falling over and at school she was having difficulties with her letters but not at all struggling with anything else.
after leaving the eye doctors last week i felt they did not look into the problem or listen to any of my concerns about her problems, the doc said that she could use a small prescription but felt that it was not enough of one and he also felt she was too small for glasses to make a difference and her problems that she was complaining of had nothing to do with her eyes.
So I went with my instinct and went to another doc yesterday, the doc listened to both of us about all the concerns, did the exam and concluded that she indeed does need glasses for her left eye because the cornea is shaped wrong, so for  months she will wear glasses and we go back to have her looked at again to see if they are correcting the problem, if not we then need to see another doc and talk about surgery to fix this problem.
It goes to show that a mother knows best for the well being of her children and will go the extra mile to make sure her children are looked after the right way.

On other news today my dad starts his chemotherapy treatments for his cancer today, lots of thing run though my mind on this subject, happy that the show is on the go, and scared for him at the same time. its  fighting chance for him and we all hope he kicks this cancer.
my mom should be starting her chemo soon too. i can only hope that they find a cure for her so I can still call her everyday to say  "I love you mom".