Who am I???

I struggle with this question all the time, I wonder where the person I was has gone, who would I be today if life didn't dish me a big ol pile of shit? Most of the time I hide these feelings away from people around me, and put on a smile like I'm all ok within, but truth is I'm not, its getting harder now to put on the cover these days and hate how when you allow yourself to look on the outside like you feel on the inside people automatically think and say "she is just depressed" or "she can't handle grief", I hate being judged and told to be happy when I'm not. So where is it fair to me to always have the fake smile on and guard what I say to protect the way others feel? I CAN'T ANYMORE! I'M NOT GONNA WORRY ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK OR SAY ABOUT ME. After all they don't have to deal with what I deal with within me. February is just a couple days away and it probably is one of the hardest months for me to muster through, I've got a lot on my mind and need a way to get it out, and this is MY space to do that, so if you happen to not want to read it I suggest leaving this blog, and if you happen to be one of my family members that might feel offended? I'm not sorry, this is the way I feel, and if I carry these hard feelings because of past events I guess it was ment for you to know and you can decide for yourself if a relationship with me is still what you want. This is me speaking out!