Missing her.

Its been 31 days of life without mom. I miss her more today than i did yesterday, and i missed her more yesterday than i did the day before.
This pain in my heart will never end, and i know i probably sound like a broken record to you.
This blog has turned into a bunch of pity party posts of how my heart aches.
I feel lost without her, i feel like huge parts of my day to day life is bare without her here.
I miss her calling me in the mornings and having coffee over the phone, her talks were so calming.
I miss her voice, her laugh, her thoughts and mostly her unconditional love she had.
I now am facing an ugly side of grieving the loss of mom, because i am jealous of other people who still have their moms, i know it stupid, and don't think i hate anyone.
Did you know its only 40 days till Mother's day? UGH! i just want to scream, while others try and pick the "just right mothers day card" that say "mom your the best" ...I'll just be by passing the Mother's day isle in the stores, with my heart aching wishing i could. Instead for Mother's day I'll light her a candle, and remember the 29 mother's days i got to have with her.
I hate that mom only exists in memories, and pictures. it still feels so unreal, that she is gone.
I keep thinking back to the beginning of February when mom was in the hospital here is a post from then http://learningtostaystrong.blogspot.com/2011/02/arms-of-mother.html That day i had supper with dad and asked him what he thought of mom being sick, he told me he did not think she would see spring. when i dropped dad off at home, i went back to see mom. I asked her a burning question that sat heavy on my mind. I sat on her hospital bed and asked "mom, is this it?" she took my hand and said she did not think she could keep going with the Chemotherapy, that she would just accept the time she had left. I told her i wish i could be as strong as her, and right now i feel like a wimp.

UPDATE! on everything.

So tomorrow marks 1 whole month mom as been an angel in heaven watching over us with Byron. so much has happened in the last month, i still feel like its been months that we have been at this spot.
as much as loosing mom has hurt, we still have reasons to smile today, let me share it with you.
Yesterday dad and i went to the Cross Cancer Institute for dad to have a check up, up till now we keep a guard up knowing that with cancer anything can happen, we pray for the best but you also prepare to hear something you don't want to hear.
We sat waiting in a waiting area, and as dad sat sipping a coffee, i flashed back to September 15Th 2010.
Lena and I sat with mom in the EXACT same spot while we waited for the doctor to see us, to tell us that mom was terminal. with no hope to survive her stage 4 lung cancer.
I told dad we sat in this spot with her and showed him a picture of her in the waiting area to prove myself, he looked at me did not say a word.
We got called in, dad got weighed then taken into another room where the doctor came in, he talked a while then proceeded with the exam, a camera in his nose down his throat to look on the inside, and a good feel of his neck on the outside, some scraping on the inside of his mouth and he was done.
The doctor then said the most wanted news we needed to hear " NO SIGN OF CANCER".
those words at this time in life have so much meaning, they are the words of hope. I am so proud of dad.
We do still know dad will still need to have surgery on his prostate, and he needs to gain some weight back.
as for my weight loss, well i completely fell of the wagon, i know bad girl, but i am starting back on Sunday FORSURE, on a good note i have not gained anything back. :)
My babies are doing OK with loosing grandma, they talk all the time about her and miss her too, she will be missed for a long long time.
The days now even when i think of mom are not tear filled days and they seem a bit easier to get though, we had moms memorial this past Saturday and i think that helped some, a reason to move forward a bit,
 some days i feel so guilty for even moving forward,
 but as mom said there is no backwards ,only  forward, so forward it shall be.
i hope everyone is having a great day, I am because i am with my babies and we are making grandma a 1 month angel day cake. a double layer super chocolatey cake with frosting and chocolate curls from scratch and we will enjoy it with some cold milk just like she liked it.

2 weeks ago.

I can't hardly believe 2 weeks ago i was able to talk to mom and hold her hand as she told us she was not scared and was ready to go to heaven, I feel like my world has crumbled into pieces that can't be put back together, I know i keep saying I miss her so much, i probably sound like a broken record by now, but i don't really care what people think, a huge part of my heart is missing, and will be like that till the day i am able to be with her again, I scream everyday on the inside and try to get though each day, that seems like the impossible sometimes.
I held her hand 2 weeks ago and said i would be okay,that i would find the way to keep going,  and now i sit here and try to keep my end of the promise up.
I have a video of her from 5 yr ago, it was a family camping trip we all went to for mom and dads anniversary (every 5 yrs we do it, and this yr we will too), she talks in the video her wishes and dreams for us for that weekend, and how much it means to her and dad the time we spend together as a family, its a 2 min talk, and its nice to hear her voice.
i don't know if life as i knew it will ever go back to normal, at least i got my sisters, my dad and some good friends to hold me up when all i want to do is fall.
Love you all thanks for being there for me.

I did not sign up this, no one did.

I never in my life, and I am sure my 3 other sisters and dad would agree, that a life without mom was NEVER gonna happen, i mean we all know that death is a normal part of the end of life, but she was not supposed to go so soon, or i think anyway.
I seem to not recall the sign up sheet that said at the age of 30 you would be motherless, the person that I talked to EVERYDAY multiple times in a day is not there anymore.
I have so many people that care so deeply for me and my family and i truly am grateful, but no matter how much support one has it never will be the same, she is gone, my mom died, I can't call her when i need my mom, i will never feel the unconditional love that only a mother has for her child even at 30yrs old.
I cry and scream inside it feels like all hrs of the day and night, i hate this heartache, and for the first time in 20 something yrs i now know what my mom felt like when Grandma died, it hurts so bad, it tastes nasty, sleep is restless, and a refreshing shower is anything but refreshing.
Life now as it will be for the rest of my life will not ever be normal, my normal is all wrong without mom, and all i can say is thank goodness i have my 3 kids, they save me from doing anything stupid, they are my reason for being here, they are the result of how my mom loved her kids so much and taught me how to be a good mom to my kids.
No one on this earth will EVER love me like my mom loved me.
My heart aches for her and will for the rest of my life.
Please keep my dad in your prayers as he is finding other ways to deal with this loss.