Goodbye 2011!

As 2011 is just 2 days away from done, I wanted to blog out my thoughts for what this whole year had brought to me.

I'm not sure what to think of the past year, a lot of mixed feeling about it I guess.
2011 is the year that mom left me. (BAD)
2011 is the year dad was healed from cancer. (GOOD)
2011 brought some of us closer, and others farther from me. (GOOD/BAD)
2011 came in as a lion, and is leaving as a lamb. (GOOD)
but most of all 2011 is the year I learned a lot about me. (NOT SURE)

When the 2011 began, I knew I would be facing 2012 without mom, but I was not sure I could live without her. Why wouldn't I? I'm 31 years old, I have kids of my own, Why would I still be so dependent on mom?
because she was who I am, she taught me all I know, if I was unsure of something..... anything I asked her, she knew it all.
I have faced life for 10 months without her here, and you know what? I'm OK. I have good days and I have bad ones too, but now 10 months later the good days are starting to become more often than the bad, mom said that would happen. not a day goes by that I don't think of her or miss her, but I'm not crying everyday like I was to begin with.

I feel so guilty for even writing/thinking that, and I don't know why.

I was so worried that dad would not be able to care for himself, because mom took care of him, she did almost everything for him, from caring for him while he was sick with cancer while she herself was sick as well, to making sure he ate proper healthy meals, and wearing clean clothes.
 but you know what? hes doing great, mom asked him the day before she died, for him to live, to get up everyday get dressed and live the life she so badly wanted to live.
Dad has become so much more stronger than any of us thought he could, I am so proud of him.
On boxing day, we all gathered together, we exchanged gifts and I was so surprised when he handed my little Rhiannon a present that was a story book, not any story book but one that he recorded his voice in, so when she turns the pages she hears "grampas" voice reading to her, she loves it, I know she will have it forever and one day let her children hear great "grampas" voice. Thank-you dad for thinking of the little things, like mom did. it means the world to us.

2011 has changed me, in some ways good, other ways not.

So goodbye 2011, you have sure been a roller coaster ride, with highs and lows.

I'm ready for 2012,
 hope its easy on us,
we all need a break.

All the best to you and your family in 2012!

A Christmas Re Do!

So last year around this time of year I wrote of how we were planning on spending Christmas in our new home for the first time, and well things did not even come close to being the way I thought it would.

Christmas last year was spent in the town my parents live, my sisters and I left our husbands and kids to be with mom and dad because they both ended up in he hospital at the same time, mom for a low blood count, and dad for bad dehydration, both a result from their cancers.

I would have told you last Christmas that it was the worse Christmas EVER, but looking back today, it was really good, because it was spent with mom, her last holiday here with us. As much as I wanted so bad to be with my kids and husband, I knew I was right where I needed to be.

This year, I won't lie to you it's been tough to gather the strength to do this Christmas thing, and the only thing that keeps me going is thinking back to when I was a kid and my Grandma passing away my mom never shut down on us, she kept going, and that is what I shall do too.

My 2 sisters (Lena, and Shelda) and I have made the plans to do Christmas here in Pierceland, we will all do our own thing Christmas morning and then meet up at Shelda's on Christmas night for a potluck appetizer evening, on Boxing day is when everyone including dad will be at my pace for the traditional turkey supper, should be fun and hopefully we can all together build the strength to with stand the sour memories and let the good times shine though.

Because after all mom wanted us to live, laugh and love, and that is what we shall do.

From my Family to yours: Merry Christmas to you and your family, may you be blessed with sweet family memories.

Dear Cancer!

I have been meaning to get this out for a while, just was not ready and did not feel I had the right words, so here we go. Yup its another sappy one, so if you don't wanna read please turn away now.

DEAR CANCER.
          If you did not exist, I would not be dealing with the reality I am living today.
My mom would still be here, planning Christmas with us, and be the one to cook the turkey, not me.
 I would not have to hear my 4 yr old say almost everyday how Grandma died of cancer.
 My sister Eleanor would still be apart of this family, I will never know why things are the way they are with her, I don't think its for me to understand.
 I would not have to see the pain in my dads eyes of loosing her when he hears a song or reads something that reminds him of her.
  I would not be feeling guilty to celebrate a holiday without her, because she was the one to organize holiday events, we just followed.
 I would not have flash backs of her struggling to take her last breathes, and being in so much pain.
I would not go to sleep every night hoping I would see her in my dreams, and then I wake up and reality hits me she is not here.
I would not be wishing for just one more day with her, just because I was not ready to say good bye.
I would not have to worry about dad all the time because she was the one who took care of him, and I worry about him because I'm scared you will take him from me too, yes he is clear from you for now but I keep in the back of my head that you could return, you did that to mom.
5 years ago you did not exist in our family and you occurred twice in mom, and once in dad.
I would not be dealing with the fact that I lied to mom as she died, I told her I would be okay, but the truth is I'm not, WE are not okay. I still needed her, WE still needed her.
So now we trudge along each day without her and wish we could turn back the clock just to say I love you, and here her say it back too.
Please cancer go away no one wants you, your not welcome, you have done your damage.