The new starts to my every days.

Up until yesterday the morning routine for me was to wake up by 6:30am get a fresh coffee and plop myself on the couch and watch 30 min of the morning news. This was not working for my goals in weight loss. diet is a big part but you don't go far when you don't exercise.

So the on the 27Th (my birthday) I promised MYSELF to make change for the better, for ME. I had came down with a flu bug of some sort (very gross) so I gave myself a few days (3 days) to think on how I was going to make my old routine NOT my routine.

I woke up at 4:45am (BTW it was tough to pry my eye lids open and get my butt out off bed) I got my self a glass of water went to the washroom and got dressed. as I did this I looked myself in the eye and told myself that as much as I wanted to not do this, it was vital I did.

I opened the door and stepped out, put on my runners and took some deep breaths of fresh air. I started with some stretches and began my 30 min  power walk. (it is a fast paced walk where your whole body gets a workout)  I chose to go on the road to take the benefits of some good hills (great to make the bum muscles burn) as I was walking up the hill I thought at how the old Corinna would say I quit, its to tough, it hurts. I could feel my heart race. and I did my best to ignore the voice in my head that was trying to tell me to stop. I kept going. I talked to mom as if she was walking with me (she was I just could not see her) I told her I was going to make her proud of me for doing this. I know she is. and before I knew it I was at the top of the hill.

When I got to the top of the hill, I felt so proud of ME for making it and NOT stopping, I turned around and started my way back down the hill going home. again power walking.

I got home everyone was still asleep, I made myself a protein shake for breakfast and sat down to enjoy my shake and just 15min of morning news. I got changed and started the morning load of laundry by 6:30am (my old time I used to get up).

I feel great, gonna do it again tomorrow ( with bug spray LOL) and maybe I'll add in a night power walk with time and maybe I try and get my bff  Dawn to go with me. ;)
I am proud of myself, this is the next step to the new me.

Have a great day everyone. I know I am because I feel great.

The first day of the rest of my life!

*taking a deep breath*

OK so after venting off the the last post, I have done some thinking and a bit of soul searching, and talking to my sisters, and what it all comes down to is this.

       1. I have NEVER gotten over my brothers death almost 9 yrs ago, I miss him so much as if I lost my twin, even though he was 18 months younger than me. I don't think I ever will get over him.

      2. After having Rhiannon I think I may have went though postpartum depression, I felt like at the time I had no control over anything, I could not be a mom to her because she was so sick in the NICU unit, I felt I failed as a mom because I could not protect her, my body hurt her. I lost the first 3 weeks of being her mom. (don't get me wrong here, I totally understand there are other people in the world that have it way worse than me,my heart aches for them. I am telling you from my point of view).  I was told by my sister the other day that she thought at that time that I did have postpartum depression. I never would admit that anyway. but I do now.

      3. mom and dads cancer diagnosis up turned my life, cancer has ripped apart of me that will never heal.

     4. I will always and forever miss my mom, she was my 1 of my best friends she knew me the longest, she loved me in a way only a mother can. she knew things about me that no one else in this world knows. I will never let her life on this earth be forgotten.

     5. Now that dad is getting better he does not need me as much, again my sister pointed this out to me the other day. we are keeping our promise to mom that we would take care of dad, he is.  and I would love to tell mom "look we can't do it as good as you can, but we are making sure dad is OK. he is better now!"

     6. I take 0 time for me, (I get my hair cut once a year), I feel guilty if I leave my kids with anyone, they are my job life. I love them so much and if it were not for them I would not be here today. I need to start making more time for me and do a little less for the ones who really don't care anyway. and stop worrying what other people think of me

     7.This weight loss thing is really pissing me off, The fact that I Can have a good day or 2 and then blow it for a week is driving me nuts. I keep saying this and I really do sound like a broken record. THIS IS IT! I have had enough of being fat, I hide behind this fat layer because it convenient, its not me anymore, I will not let this fat  ball and chain tell me who I am anymore.

   THIS IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF MY LIFE.

   ITS TIME TO DANCE LIKE NO ONE IS WATCHING.

   THIS IS MY BIRTHDAY GIFT TO MYSELF.

            join me as I find me, and my life.

118

What is this number to you?

To me it is a number I don't want to have in my life. I feel like with everyday passing it adds more to this number. Everyday feels like a ticking time bomb.

118 is how many days mom has been gone. I still feel like she is on a holiday and I still have to remind myself shes NEVER coming back because she died.

On Friday she will have been gone for 120 days or for those of you who don't wish to see it in days 4 whole lonely months.

I feel sick just thinking about it, I feel so alone (even though I have people who are with me in this)
And most days all I want to do is just SCREAM, I don't want to do this anymore, But I can't wake up.
I want to give up.

I WANT MY MOMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY DID SHE HAVE TO GO?

I am sitting here as my kids are sleeping and my hubby not home. crying my eyes out.

I am going to be turning 31 yrs old on Monday and it will be my first birthday ever that mom won't be wishing me a happy birthday.

I don't want to do this anymore. This can't be making me stronger because I feel so weak. I am crumbling apart slowly with every day that passes.

on February, 22, 2011 (4 months ago today) I was visiting mom in the hospital, she asked me to help her with a shower, and in the painful process she broke down, and said she could not fight anymore. I told her as I held her that it was OK to quit fighting. Deep down I was saying no, you have to keep fighting.

 mom you told me you were never going to give up.

I want to give up too.

Holes in the Floor of Heaven - Steve Wariner [with Lyrics]

Aidan and I listened to this song one day a few weeks ago, and with tears in his eyes he said it makes him think of grandma.
As the much needed rain came last night and continues today/tonight, Aidan said Grandmas tears are sure coming down now.
And so this is my reason for posting this song, for all of us to hear and feel her "tears" coming down.
Love you mom, we all miss you so much, but you know that though. I hope you hear/feel our love for you that will never burn out. EVER!

Its just me again.

Wow it been awhile since I sat done and posted about whats all going on around here, So I'll fill you in here we go.
Dad is doing great he has healed wonderfully from his surgery in May, and the best news is the pathology results came back with NO cancer cells, WOW way to go dad, I know he was so scared about that and I don't blame him one bit, with all that he has been though in the last year. And to add to the good news he is up 5LBS hes at 160lbs now, a few more healthy pounds and he will be on a good streak. I am so proud of you Dad keep up the great work, we are all right beside with you.
I was telling my sister the other day how it was like watching a child grow up before our eyes, from a guy who let mom do almost everything for him, to a man who has had to do it all for himself. Gosh I love that man I call Dad.

Speaking of weight, I had made a decision a while back to loose some a lot of weight about 70lbs or so, (if only i could do a fat transfer to dad LOL) with loosing mom the weight loss thing has been so hard to keep on top of, and some days it just easier to not try. after mom died i gained back almost all of the 16lbs i had lost from the month of January to end of February. I know not good, so i made a step forward and got some help with the weight loss thing, i now go for counseling on it to help me though it, i needed to its my last attempt before i go to the doctor and talk about some other option. But so far so good a bit slow but its OK, I'll get there some day.

This past weekend we went to the local rodeo, a small one but it was my first and the kids first too, i wish i could show you some pics of it but due to our stupid dial up Internet i can, hopefully we can get some kind of high speed soon. (we really do live in the middle of nowhere.) the kid had a blast and it was funny watching Aidan hold down a calf while another kid put a pair of panties on it. and Rhiannon doing a bunny hop as she was barrel racing with a stick horse (her horse was bucking) lol. and Edina telling me how slippery the pigs were that they tried to catch. it was nice to just get away and enjoy some time with the kids as they had fun.

The kids are almost done school, and they are super happy about it (i am too) next Friday i am planning our yearly skip school day, where the Friday before school is out while everyone else is in school, we pack up a picnic lunch and escape to a park and hang out for the whole day. we did it when we were in school (only elementary) and we loved it, Its all the little things like this that they will remember forever (I hope).

We are also planning our first get a way coming in July. Edina as an eye appointment and after that we will just keep driving to see Eric's mom and step dad (aka grandma Kohl, and grandpa Paul). have not decided for sure but was thinking of going to Drumheller, AB.on our way back home. guess I should also mention its just me and the kids and dog going, Eric is staying back to work. should be tons of fun, i better remember to pack lots of Advil. lol.

The garden is in a growing, its slow but it is growing. mom would have loved it. I am looking forward to making bread and butter pickles with dad. :)
The grass on the other hand that we should have had planted around the new house (whole yard which is huge) has not happened due to no rain, the yard that needs to be planted would just be way to big to water by sprinkler so it going to wait till fall. and we should have some nice green grass next year.
But on a good note the deck i am told will be built sometime in June/July. its going to be a nice 32'x16' looking forward to having coffee in the mornings on it listening to the birds and soaking up the morning sun.

As much as would like to vent about how much I miss mom and how life just plan old SUCKS without her, I save you some reading and leave it out, i think I post to much about my broken heart and forget to tell you all about what else is going on.

So I leave you with this, I will try and post again. andnot leave you all wondering where i went.

Just a poem I found.

It isn't letting go,
It's going on.
It isn't only shadows
and it isn't only dawn.
It isn't getting through it
it's letting it come through me,
not living in the darkness
though the darkness I can see.
It's living with the sorrow
but finding memories sweet,
it's knowing that it takes both sides
to make it all complete.
It's soaking up the sunshine
along with the rain
it's learning to let laughter
live side by side with pain.
It's knowing that the years
won't change a love that's real
or take away the joy you brought
or the sorrow that I feel.
It's knowing tears and laughter
can live on the same face,
and your impression on my heart
can never be erased.

not sure who wrote this, but it says so much to me on how I feel with loosing mom.
hope you think the same too.