Goodbye 2011!

As 2011 is just 2 days away from done, I wanted to blog out my thoughts for what this whole year had brought to me.

I'm not sure what to think of the past year, a lot of mixed feeling about it I guess.
2011 is the year that mom left me. (BAD)
2011 is the year dad was healed from cancer. (GOOD)
2011 brought some of us closer, and others farther from me. (GOOD/BAD)
2011 came in as a lion, and is leaving as a lamb. (GOOD)
but most of all 2011 is the year I learned a lot about me. (NOT SURE)

When the 2011 began, I knew I would be facing 2012 without mom, but I was not sure I could live without her. Why wouldn't I? I'm 31 years old, I have kids of my own, Why would I still be so dependent on mom?
because she was who I am, she taught me all I know, if I was unsure of something..... anything I asked her, she knew it all.
I have faced life for 10 months without her here, and you know what? I'm OK. I have good days and I have bad ones too, but now 10 months later the good days are starting to become more often than the bad, mom said that would happen. not a day goes by that I don't think of her or miss her, but I'm not crying everyday like I was to begin with.

I feel so guilty for even writing/thinking that, and I don't know why.

I was so worried that dad would not be able to care for himself, because mom took care of him, she did almost everything for him, from caring for him while he was sick with cancer while she herself was sick as well, to making sure he ate proper healthy meals, and wearing clean clothes.
 but you know what? hes doing great, mom asked him the day before she died, for him to live, to get up everyday get dressed and live the life she so badly wanted to live.
Dad has become so much more stronger than any of us thought he could, I am so proud of him.
On boxing day, we all gathered together, we exchanged gifts and I was so surprised when he handed my little Rhiannon a present that was a story book, not any story book but one that he recorded his voice in, so when she turns the pages she hears "grampas" voice reading to her, she loves it, I know she will have it forever and one day let her children hear great "grampas" voice. Thank-you dad for thinking of the little things, like mom did. it means the world to us.

2011 has changed me, in some ways good, other ways not.

So goodbye 2011, you have sure been a roller coaster ride, with highs and lows.

I'm ready for 2012,
 hope its easy on us,
we all need a break.

All the best to you and your family in 2012!

A Christmas Re Do!

So last year around this time of year I wrote of how we were planning on spending Christmas in our new home for the first time, and well things did not even come close to being the way I thought it would.

Christmas last year was spent in the town my parents live, my sisters and I left our husbands and kids to be with mom and dad because they both ended up in he hospital at the same time, mom for a low blood count, and dad for bad dehydration, both a result from their cancers.

I would have told you last Christmas that it was the worse Christmas EVER, but looking back today, it was really good, because it was spent with mom, her last holiday here with us. As much as I wanted so bad to be with my kids and husband, I knew I was right where I needed to be.

This year, I won't lie to you it's been tough to gather the strength to do this Christmas thing, and the only thing that keeps me going is thinking back to when I was a kid and my Grandma passing away my mom never shut down on us, she kept going, and that is what I shall do too.

My 2 sisters (Lena, and Shelda) and I have made the plans to do Christmas here in Pierceland, we will all do our own thing Christmas morning and then meet up at Shelda's on Christmas night for a potluck appetizer evening, on Boxing day is when everyone including dad will be at my pace for the traditional turkey supper, should be fun and hopefully we can all together build the strength to with stand the sour memories and let the good times shine though.

Because after all mom wanted us to live, laugh and love, and that is what we shall do.

From my Family to yours: Merry Christmas to you and your family, may you be blessed with sweet family memories.

Dear Cancer!

I have been meaning to get this out for a while, just was not ready and did not feel I had the right words, so here we go. Yup its another sappy one, so if you don't wanna read please turn away now.

DEAR CANCER.
          If you did not exist, I would not be dealing with the reality I am living today.
My mom would still be here, planning Christmas with us, and be the one to cook the turkey, not me.
 I would not have to hear my 4 yr old say almost everyday how Grandma died of cancer.
 My sister Eleanor would still be apart of this family, I will never know why things are the way they are with her, I don't think its for me to understand.
 I would not have to see the pain in my dads eyes of loosing her when he hears a song or reads something that reminds him of her.
  I would not be feeling guilty to celebrate a holiday without her, because she was the one to organize holiday events, we just followed.
 I would not have flash backs of her struggling to take her last breathes, and being in so much pain.
I would not go to sleep every night hoping I would see her in my dreams, and then I wake up and reality hits me she is not here.
I would not be wishing for just one more day with her, just because I was not ready to say good bye.
I would not have to worry about dad all the time because she was the one who took care of him, and I worry about him because I'm scared you will take him from me too, yes he is clear from you for now but I keep in the back of my head that you could return, you did that to mom.
5 years ago you did not exist in our family and you occurred twice in mom, and once in dad.
I would not be dealing with the fact that I lied to mom as she died, I told her I would be okay, but the truth is I'm not, WE are not okay. I still needed her, WE still needed her.
So now we trudge along each day without her and wish we could turn back the clock just to say I love you, and here her say it back too.
Please cancer go away no one wants you, your not welcome, you have done your damage.
                                   
      

And so the story continues as we wait.

I know I said in the last post that I would update to what happened from my latest appointment but being that I needed to wait till I knew when my next appointment would be, I did not think I needed to post an update with a wait till next post topic.

So the appointment with the lady doctor was a disappointment, I left her office more frustrated than going in, and was in her actual office with her for all of 5 minutes. I told her I was wanting to go with the "resection surgery" (one of the 3 options) and all she said was "OK I'll send the referral to the surgeon in Edmonton"
I did not think that I would be sent on yet another referral appointment, I kinda thought I would have been told "OK lets set it up" and be done with this issue before the end of the year.
I told her my concerns with my heart and being anemic, but that did not seem to make a lick of difference.
And to top it all off as we were ending our 5 minute appointment she tells me "oh and you need to redo your PAP test in 3 months, it came back inconclusive". GREAT! just what I want more issues. NOT!
So the drive home with my hubby was really quite, we never really talked the whole drive, oh I guess I should mention the said 5 minute appointment was a 2 and a bit hour drive away.
When I dropped him off at work I told him I was not waiting the 3 months to redo the PAP test, that I was going to make an appointment ASAP so that if it comes back with a bad result I can take that to the surgeon.
So my next PAP with my family doctor is December 6Th and I hope my body is on track at least with that day to do it.
And the surgeon appointment that is just a consult is January 30Th 2012. that's a whole 2 months away, I can do it, really no choice but to wait.
Not really much more to say, actually its kinda boring.
So we continue to wait. :(

These days!

Well it's been awhile since I last posted here on my blog, I felt like I needed a break from it because I think I was turning it into a pity party for my grieving of mom.
I would like to get back into posting about life and thoughts on it, I will post about my grieving sometimes, just not as much as I have been, putting down on here my thought and feelings about grieving is one way i deal with it, seeing myself in writing helps me see me.
Lots of things have happened around here since thanksgiving (my last post), so grab a seat, get comfy let me tell you about it.
We spent a few days at my in-laws place (a 9 hour drive with 3 kids and a dog) and let me tell you I could not wait to get back home. I was having a hard time being there because I was worried about the rest of my family.
The day after we got home I had a doctors appointment for a woman issue that I had been putting on the back burner and needed to get dealt with, I had not been for a physical in 4 yrs, Rhiannon was 6 months old when i last had one. I know, bad because all that has happened in the last year, you would think I would be jumping to do so. I have developed a scare of not wanting to find out something is wrong, and also scared to not finding out soon enough something is wrong. a war in my head that won't go away.
So after seeing the doctor, I was referred to a special woman doctor, in another town, and also a trip to see my heart doctor about why I am passing out. and not to mention a lot of blood work, and a 24hr heart monitor.
I seen the lady doctor a few weeks back, she gave me 3 options ad sent me home to decide what I wanted to do. (it's nice to be in control of the decisions of your own body).
The day I as at her office I had a voicemail at home to call my other doctor regarding the blood work, it came back I was really anemic (not a surprise)
I also seen the heart doctor a few days after that, and he basically said with my heart having the issues it has (had my whole life) being anemic is making it work harder than it has to, and it also is throwing in extra beats sometimes, he helped me make my decision to go for the surgery to fix my woman problem and after that everything else should fall into place and go back to normal.
So this coming Monday I go back to see the woman doctor and talk about my decision for the surgery, I'm not sure when it will be, I'm sure I will find out around then. So I will fill you all in about that when I know more.
Aidan and Edina have had their 1st report cards already this year and BOTH are doing amazing, I am so proud of them for doing so well.
Edina goes back for a check on her eyes in December, I am crossing my fingers her eye is correcting itself, the eye doctor wants to check Aidan and Rhiannon at this time as well for the same problem, I am not worried about Aidan I would have noticed by now if something was up with his eyes, Rhiannon has not started school yet so I'm not sure about her, I am going to assume she is fine as well.
Aidan is gonna be 10 years old in a few weeks, and Edina 7 in a month. time is flying by, I am trying to soak it all in.
So I think that is all for now, I will try and post once a week, and keep on top of this blog thing, after all it is something I will have for me to look back on down the road. not sure how long I will keep it going, but for sure for a while longer.
anyway until next time.

Giving Thanks This Year!

I cant help but think back to 2010 Thanksgiving as the same holiday rolls around again this weekend.
It was the last holiday we celebrated with mom, yes we did have Christmas with her but being it was all a mess with her and dad in the hospital, and us sisters spent it away from our kids, it turned into anything but a celebration.

Last year we gave thanks to being able to be together, and show mom that us girls could pull off a nice traditional thanksgiving meal with all the knowledge she gave us, and if we were uncertain of some things we could still ask her. Today its all gone (except the knowledge she left behind). she is not here to be thankful for another year with her, its all a memory now.

We have to do it solo.

This year my little family of 5 are heading to see my husbands side of the family in southern Saskatchewan, I can't say that I'm looking forward to it, because so many things are running though my head. will my sisters and dad be okay this thanksgiving, being the first holiday we will not all be together, I worry so much about them all. To the point that I sometimes can't sleep.

But I need to understand we all have lives, and mom would not want us to forget about our other (spouses) families.

I know mom watches over us and hears our cries to her when we miss her to much, I know she stands with us as we face the times we have to do it solo, I know this because she is in our hearts, she said so just before she died.

This year even though I miss her more than words can say, I am thankful for all she has given to me, because without her I would not be me, and I would not have my 3 wonderful kids.

Thank you mom. I Love You, forever and always.

I also should say I'm thankful for dad as far s he has come, and happy to say he is now back to work FULL time, which is great, he needed to have something to do besides keep Doodles (his dog) company. I Love You Dad. you are such an inspiration to so many.

From my family to yours.................HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Reflecting back. 1 year ago!

Yesterday was 1 year that we knew what kind of cancer dad had, and what treatments he was going to need to beat it.
And today 1 year ago mom got told how bad her cancer was and that she would die from it.

Its a day of thinking back and those days are still fresh in my mind.
Lena and I left her house in Edmonton about 7am or so, we dropped my niece Chelsey off at daycare and then we had to drive over to her work place so she could open the store for the other staff.
We took the train over to the Cross Cancer and waited for mom (she was being brought over in an ambulance because she was still at that point in the hospital).
As we sat there sipping our coffee, all I could think about is the fact that EVERY person who walked in that place either HAD cancer, being TREATED for cancer, or KNEW someone there with cancer. Its a place where people are given back a chance at life, and a place where many people get told there is no hope. We had both within 24 hours.
There were people of ALL ages. from babies to the elderly, it was ran is if it were just another day in the office, it was heart breaking to be there. we sat there not knowing that we would leave there knowing what we did.

Mom finally arrived with a nurse in tow with pain meds, mom dressed up in a nice but comfy outfit, she looked good. she had a big smile on her face.
We walked down the hall made a few turns and came to a large room, there were some recliner chairs in a separate little area and then there were beds in a row, but separated by curtains. mom was placed in a bed near a wall, and Lena and I on either side of the bed in chairs Mom told me that this room was where she came when she had cancer last time to have her chemo treatments once a week.
We talked with a nurse, and not long the doctor came in. the curtain closed around us, she sat on the bed beside mom, and introduced herself, she was a nice soft spoken lady, the perfect one to break the news (can't imagine what it would have been like to have a doc that was so cold and heart less).
She started by asking mom what she knew what was going on. (we knew that there was cancer, but we did not know how bad)
she listened to mom, she cared what mom had to say. she checked mom over very carefully, and then told mom, that she was going to tell her what she knew from all the scans and biopsy. you could see in her face it was not good (when the word "cancer" is used, its NEVER good, unless you survived it.)

she took a deep breath and began talking. I don't remember exactly what she said because I lost her when she said "TERMINAL" after that I heard words like "STAGE 4" "NOT COMPATABLE WITH LIFE" "NO CURE" and another big word that says the tumor has grown beyond the lung/other organ.
I broke into tears and cried my eyes out beside mom. she looked over, took my hand and said it was OK, "that if anything good comes from this at least we could say good-bye."
Even during a time where she was just told she was going to die, she still was able to be a mom and comfort us. she even comforted the doctor who told her, she was crying too. mom told her "it was OK, its not her fault." That was how mom did things, she did not care if you were her family or not, she opened her arms with a warm hug. I MISS THAT SO MUCH!
We finished up the appointment, and went to the basement of the cross cancer to get mom her radiation marks to prepare for treatment to suppress the symptoms of the cancer.we then waited for the ambulance to return to take her back to the hospital.
Lena and I took the train back to her work place. it was a quite sad trip back, my head hurt, and I'm sure Lena's did too. we never talked the train ride back, we just sat looking at each other , I can't speak for Lena, but I felt like I was in a dream that at any minute I would wake up from it, and phone mom and tell her about the awful dream I had........But I did not......it was real.
we met mom back at the hospital, we just sat there. she called dad to tell him (he was at work) I don't think it sunk in with him. because it was not till the next day he talked about it with her and cried.
a few days later our whole family knew. she asked Lena and I to not say anything, that she wanted to be the one to tell people.
The next few days came and went, she asked me to return home to be with my babies and do my job as she put it.
I sat down with my kids and husband at home and told them, at first like me and other people it never sunk in, then Aidan started to cry, he ran out of the room, into my mother-in-laws arms, and fell apart, all he said was "my grandma is dying WHY?"
the girls cried but I think because Aidan was crying so hard.
I let them call my mom, she talked openly with them, and answered any question they had, even when she was asked by Edina "grandma are you dying? she said yes, but not today.
When the day came to say the final good-bye she was asked again "grandma are you dying? she said "yes, its time, but I'm not scared, I'll ALWAYS be in your heart" she had a way to hold herself  together, even on her darkest days. she was STILL A MOM/GRANDMA, ....................she alway will be.

Happy birthday Dad!

Today September 13Th marks a day of celebration, today is my dads birthday, another year older, and another birthday to be thankful for.
Last year we held dads birthday at the hospital where mom was, that is how we do things ......TOGETHER! and it will always be like that.......I hope.
This year we may not be right there with him, but I am sure he is happy too, that he made it though the whole ordeal over the past year.
I wanted to write dad a little note, so here we go.

Dear Dad,
As I sit here and write out this little note to you, all that runs though my mind is how lucky we are to get to have another year with you.......and hopefully many, many more to come.
I want to tell you how proud I am of you, for coming as far as you have.
The last letter I wrote to you was of me crying out to you to fight and beat the cancer, I was so scared that not only would we be loosing mom but you too as well.
As hard as it was for you to do, you fought though the cancer and survived just like mom asked you to.
We all wish mom was still here, and for the last year to just not have happened at all, but we can't change that, but we can celebrate another birthday with you, and that is priceless in itself.
over that last 6 months we have seen you go from a guy who did not know what to do with the rest of his life, to a man who can once again smile and know we are all here for him.

Dad have I told you lately how proud I am of you.
Happy Birthday.
I love you dad, from your (wrinkles) Corinna.

Back to school!

Today marks the first day of school here, Aidan enters in the big world of grade 5, and my little princess Edina was just not ready enough to make grade 2, so grade 1 for her this year again. she is still the same age as the other kids and being as young as she is, this just gives her the extra time to succeed in her learning. It helps she has a great teacher that she loves and I know she is well taken care of while she is there.

I took the kids to school today instead of letting them take the bus, I had a dream the other night that Edina fell over backwards and could not get back up.( kinda like a turtle on it back). ;-) I just felt better knowing they both got there with out falling over due to the sheer weight of the backpacks.
After helping both kids unpack their school supplies, I hugged both and kissed Edina (Aidan told me it was not cool to kiss your mom in front of all the kids) geez they grow so fast. soon hugs won't be aloud. but for now I'll be thankful I can at least hug him tight.

I had a hard time saying good bye for the day to them, they will be home in a few hours and I miss them so much. I realized why after I got home, Grandma (my mom) used to phone the first day of school ad wish them a great day, not much but its things like this I miss, her love for all her grand kids  ran deeper than I can say, she loved them all equally but each had a special piece of her heart.

Anyway I did promise you a funny posting about the kids being educated about where babies came from, so here we go.

A about 2 weeks ago, after working the day outside in the yard, we came in to get ready to start making supper, it was about 5ish I think. Aidan turned on the T.V. and was about to turn the channel to a kids program, when what was on caught his attention. I checked the info on it, and it said " the human body, the process from conception to birth" YUP he got a good microscope view of sperm. with a discussed look on his face as if it were worms or something else of grossness, he asked "mom what is THAT!" I simply told him it was sperm, and turned my back to see Edina and Rhiannon checking it out too. as they sat there watching it they asked me, yup you guessed "it what is sperm?". so with Eric shaking his head and telling me that I was opening a big bag of questions, I was on my own with it. I did think that I should change the channel to a more kid loved program, but it also passed my mind that I rather to be the one to explain to my kids not someone else this big question how are babies made? I have been asked lots about it and always gave the made from mommy and daddy's love answer to them. they were always happy with that, and it was easy.
I sat down with my kids and told them that sperm are what dads give moms to make a baby, as they watched the baby making program (don't worry it did not show the sex part, and if it did that would have been the automatic channel change now kinda mode).
Edina asked me if girls had sperm too? I told her that girls had eggs. just boys have sperm, she laughed at Aidan and told him he had worms and moved over 5 feet away from Aidan.
They watched the whole show that was 1 hour, and asked a few questions but for the most part they were happy knowing how babies are really made.
At supper it was a normal evening of sitting at the table eating together as a family supper did include some yummy baby carrots from the garden, complete with the tails of the root on them.
little did I know that i was maybe not a good idea to leave them on.
As Edina stabbed one with her fork she was flapping the tail that was on the carrot around and said "look mommy its sperm!" I could not contain myself from laughing, Eric, laughing too said "well can you picture this at thanksgiving dinner with extended family and our kids doing this?" Edina while everyone was laughing put the big part of the carrot in her mouth and said between her teeth "look the carrot sperm is eating the egg"
NOTE TO SELF------take the carrot tails off before serving supper.

Well that's all for now, I know some people won't like this post, and I don't really care, This is the natural way of children and their imaginations.

These days!

Well what can I say about the past 2 days since my last post..........hmmmm what to start with....good, sad or the not so good?........umm ok well lets start off on a good note.

In the last 2 days I have dropped another 4 lbs YAY, this weight loss thing has been a very slow process, with the summer break comes lots of hotdog,  pasta/potato salad and all the goooooood summer food on the BBQ. which has made it very hard to stick to the eat healthy plan, but it has come to an end just like summer holidays are ending too. :(

Next week Aidan and Edna start back at school, they are bugging me the past few days of when they go back to school, Aidan did tell me he needed a break from me, not sure how to take that.
As for me, I loved the time with all my babies to myself  for 2 months. but as they say all good things must come to an end.

The last few days have also been not so good for me heath wise, not sure if its do to my heart issues or something else, on Monday was one heck of a hot day and while working in the garden, I felt dizzy, I sat down for a bit but then woke up laying on the ground.....kinda scary, but not the first time it happened. I walked to the house where the kids were sitting watching a movie with the cool fans on them. I washed up drank some cold water, and laid down for a bit, I felt weak and sick to my stomach, a few hours later felt way better. the next day I thought I was ok but by night time I felt as if I had the flu, I was hot then cold, sweating like crazy and felt awful. as yesterday morning came Eric felt he should stay home from work to let me rest, I told him to go to work but he felt better being here with me.
gosh I love that man, he sure knows me well.

Yesterday marked the day of Byron's (my brother) angel day. 9 years ago we said good bye to him, and 9 years you would think it would get easier to handle, but it does not, it still hard to take. he was my partner in crime we did everything together growing up.
It was also 6 months that mom has been gone too. it feels like it been forever.

Last night dad and Lena called me, and Shelda came to visit. just to check up on me and see how I was doing,  dad said that he knew this was a hard day for all of us to take,  to try and find the good in the day, just like mom said to.
as hard as day like yesterday are, I sure am glad I got some good family standing with me. I love you guys.

Well I would continue to write but the day is started along time ago and the kids are fighting again. I'll end it here and promise you I'll be back in the next few days with a funny story about the 3 kids learning about how babies are made. you don't want to miss it. my guts still hurt from laughing.

Did she die because I told her it was okay to?

A question that runs though my mind a lot the past few months. I know mom would have died anyway, the cancer was just to much for her or anyone to handle.

2 days before she passed away, mom asked me while in the hospital if I would help her with a shower, she told me she could ask the nurses, but felt better if I helped her instead. I of course never had to think on it, I just did it she never questioned being a mom to us, she just did it.
I gathered everything up we needed. shampoo, body wash, bath poof, and clothes. we headed down the hall, mom in a wheelchair with her oxygen, and I was carrying her things. A nurse helped us get arranged in a shower room.
With mom being in so much pain it was a slow process, we only proceed when she gave the okay to.
The nurse left after mom was sitting on the shower seat. I got the shower running, got her favorite body wash (olay ribbons) and the bath poof. I got on my knees at her feet, and started to wash them.
I felt her hand on my shoulder and as I looked up seen her eyes filled with tears, and she began to cry.
I asked her if we needed to stop, thinking she was just in to much pain to continue on, she just cried, I asked her again what was wrong, she told me she could not fight anymore, "I am tired" she said.
And I told her it was okay to stop fighting, it was okay to die. I knew her pain was too much for her to handle.
The next day it was clear she had made a change and the doctors felt it was time to call in family to say goodbye.
I know she did not die because I told her it was okay to die. but deep down in the pit of my gut, I feel like I was the one who said to her it was okay to give up.
Its been almost 6 months since mom has been gone, and EVERYDAY I still ask WHY?
I needed her still.
did god not see that?
I keep telling myself  he must have been to busy to see that, because now everyday I go though each day with a broken heart.
I miss her so much it hurts.
Will this guilt/pain just go away? I know its not my fault,
 its no ones fault,
but a part of me says it is.

The time I had with mom was so good, we only had disagreements a handful of times, she was my best friend and the one person who knew me the best.

No one will love me like she did.

our miracle 4 years ago and today.

I missed getting Rhiannon's 4Th birthday posting in here, so I figured today was just as fitting to get it in here as her birthday, so here I go.

Our little girl Rhiannon Makenna was born on July, 29 , 2007. at 8:44am,  and that day will always be etched in my mind as one of the scariest day of my life. a normal pregnancy at 38 weeks took a turn to anything but normal very quick.

 This is Rhiannon just a few hours old, A grade 3 placental abruption theatened to take my baby's life, and at one point mine too.
 I had not one sign or symptom of it. the doctors had no idea that it was happening to me. BTW signs and symptoms are bleeding, cramps, a very hard belly, and probably a few others, I had NONE of them.
It was not till I was in the C-section that doctors realized that we both were bleeding out very fast, what blood they could measure from me was 3 1/2 liters, that was half of my total blood volume,
Rhiannon was pulled out of me with no heart beat, was not breathing, and was blue/grey in color, she also had blood clots inside her lungs, which had to be removed before they could get her breathing tube in.
because of the large blood loss, and shock, it took doctors 5 hours to stabilize her so she could be taken to a children's hospital 4 hours away.

After the first night it became clear that the loss of blood ,and oxygen that happened, doctors did not think she would live off of life support, and if she did, she would only be able to just breathe on her own.

Little did anyone know how much of a will to live this child has.

The day I got to her side she was 4 days old and it was also the day she was taken off of the vent, the doctors were as shocked as we were, but we also knew we were not the ones running the show, she was.

I may have been the last person to see my baby and study her face, but I was the FIRST to hold her. 4 hours straight to be exact. I did not want to let her go, she was ALIVE and in my arms.

I spent the night at her side, and as the night wore on, she did not require some of the other support she was on, so they removed them.

By the next morning all she had was lines in her belly button, oxygen, and a feeding tube, she was able to be moved to a step down NICU.

 There she had to learn to eat with her mouth and not use the feeding tube, she had to keep her oxygen up on her own, and hold her own body temp too.
And after almost 3 weeks the doctors gave us the go ahead to go home.
It was such a great thing to hear and do.

 With lots of physical and occupational therapy, a few pneumonia infections due to a hyperactive airway, she is 110% normal.and other then a big outty belly button  you never know she was that sick.

 This is her on her 4Th birthday. We were on a camping trip. notice the rubber boots with her bikini.

 Look out world shes on her way............she still runs the show.

Some change!

Don't worry your still on the right blog, I just wanted to change up the name of my blog from "this crazy thing we all call life" to " the life experiment".

I figured that life really is just an "experiment" we are all just trying to make it work. and it will ether work or it won't, and hen it does not go as planed we simply try a different way to make it work.

So please continue to follow me in this life experiment. lets see where we go.

Some weekend details.

So this weekend was jammed packed full of stuff. and I did try to get a birthday blog post up for my little girl Rhiannon who turned the big 4 on Friday. I will still get it on here within the next few days but it will definitely be late. ;)

Every 5 years my family gets together and goes camping for mom and dads anniversary, (this year marked 35 years) we call it a family reunion because it was not just a marriage but also a family coming together.

Before mom died she talked about this camping trip, she still wanted it to happen even if she was not here, and it did, we still were able to laugh and joke around as if mom were still here, at one point I looked around and every person had a smile, it was so comforting to see that, mom still makes sure we can still laugh.

This weekend also was used to spread mom and Byron's ashes, something that was hard to think of doing and hard to do. but it is done, we all were able to scatter some ashes around and let mom and Byron have a final resting place.

As we packed up yesterday dad headed out on a road trip to Manitoba to visit his cousins, it was hard to see him go but he has been wanting to do this since mom passed away, I Think it was one of his goals besides medical goals for him to do, I am proud of him for the progress he has made, I am crossing my fingers that he comes back from his trip in one piece. (lol his driving scares that crap out of me, and he has a camper that hes pulling too).

Today is cleaning up the mess and putting all the camping gear away. and before I forget did I mention the mountain of laundry that needs to be done? well I on my 4Th and still have 10 to go. camping is such a great way to make alot of dirty laundry fast. lol BTW we rough it in a tent, so laundry seems like it doubles quick.

Hope everyone is having a great day.

These days.

Don't worry I'm still here, We have been so busy and I have not really had a chance to sit down and enter a blog post, but I managed to get a moment to get it in here right now.
Between the garden, yard work, house work, and kids. Its hard to get any time to do much and by the time night time rolls around I and just ready to get to bed and go to sleep. Its days like these that make winter days kinda nice to face. (If I never told you yet, I HATE winter. I don't like the cold, or the snow) But I must say I LOVE the HOT sun, I love the feel of hot sand between my toes.
So the kids and I (hubby has been to busy at work to join us :( have enjoyed a few days at the local Pierce lake ( sandy beach) and just a few days ago the kids and I returned from a trip to visit grandma and grandpa(Eric's mom and step dad) they live in Quill lake SK ( southern Saskatchewan). though it was a very long drive (1500km there and back with a bit of driving while there) The kids and I had a blast, we enjoy visiting them when we can, and I love seeing the kids love on their grandparents. they are not hard kids to please and to see them just happy to color with grandma was priceless. I know grandma enjoyed it too. ;)

So when we returned on Monday, the garden was screaming at me for attention which was my plan for the following day, and that night we were hit with a nasty storm that knocked the power out of the whole area for 19ish hrs. NOT FUN. just so everyone understands we rely on power not just for lights, refrigerator , freezers, etc. we also need it for water, due to having a well with a pump that also needs power to work.

After I was able to get the generator going to power the freezer and fridge I was then able to get into the garden, seeing the little green tomatoes on the plants I started myself from seed was enough to put a huge smile on my face, it feels good to know I can grow a garden to feed my family ALL NATURAL ORGANIC veggies. I know what has been done to the stuff that comes out of that garden, the only thing that has been done to make this garden grow has been nothing but 100% water and my sweat from ridding the weeds the old fashioned way of pulling.

The more I read into it makes me want to aim for some year for all the food we consume to be all organic, I believe the food we eat with all the preservatives, sprays and fertilizers etc. are contributing to the high number of people having cancer. I was talking about this with mom before she died and she was the one who told me that, I have been reading in to it more.

I feel if i can feed my family a healthy choice of organic grown food I can feel good about the fact that I can protect them from the chance of getting cancer. I wont be able to protect them 100% but I can a bit. and that makes me feel good.

Well that's all for today, its kinda wet outside from yesterdays rain so today is a cleaning/laundry day.
have a great day everyone.

The new starts to my every days.

Up until yesterday the morning routine for me was to wake up by 6:30am get a fresh coffee and plop myself on the couch and watch 30 min of the morning news. This was not working for my goals in weight loss. diet is a big part but you don't go far when you don't exercise.

So the on the 27Th (my birthday) I promised MYSELF to make change for the better, for ME. I had came down with a flu bug of some sort (very gross) so I gave myself a few days (3 days) to think on how I was going to make my old routine NOT my routine.

I woke up at 4:45am (BTW it was tough to pry my eye lids open and get my butt out off bed) I got my self a glass of water went to the washroom and got dressed. as I did this I looked myself in the eye and told myself that as much as I wanted to not do this, it was vital I did.

I opened the door and stepped out, put on my runners and took some deep breaths of fresh air. I started with some stretches and began my 30 min  power walk. (it is a fast paced walk where your whole body gets a workout)  I chose to go on the road to take the benefits of some good hills (great to make the bum muscles burn) as I was walking up the hill I thought at how the old Corinna would say I quit, its to tough, it hurts. I could feel my heart race. and I did my best to ignore the voice in my head that was trying to tell me to stop. I kept going. I talked to mom as if she was walking with me (she was I just could not see her) I told her I was going to make her proud of me for doing this. I know she is. and before I knew it I was at the top of the hill.

When I got to the top of the hill, I felt so proud of ME for making it and NOT stopping, I turned around and started my way back down the hill going home. again power walking.

I got home everyone was still asleep, I made myself a protein shake for breakfast and sat down to enjoy my shake and just 15min of morning news. I got changed and started the morning load of laundry by 6:30am (my old time I used to get up).

I feel great, gonna do it again tomorrow ( with bug spray LOL) and maybe I'll add in a night power walk with time and maybe I try and get my bff  Dawn to go with me. ;)
I am proud of myself, this is the next step to the new me.

Have a great day everyone. I know I am because I feel great.

The first day of the rest of my life!

*taking a deep breath*

OK so after venting off the the last post, I have done some thinking and a bit of soul searching, and talking to my sisters, and what it all comes down to is this.

       1. I have NEVER gotten over my brothers death almost 9 yrs ago, I miss him so much as if I lost my twin, even though he was 18 months younger than me. I don't think I ever will get over him.

      2. After having Rhiannon I think I may have went though postpartum depression, I felt like at the time I had no control over anything, I could not be a mom to her because she was so sick in the NICU unit, I felt I failed as a mom because I could not protect her, my body hurt her. I lost the first 3 weeks of being her mom. (don't get me wrong here, I totally understand there are other people in the world that have it way worse than me,my heart aches for them. I am telling you from my point of view).  I was told by my sister the other day that she thought at that time that I did have postpartum depression. I never would admit that anyway. but I do now.

      3. mom and dads cancer diagnosis up turned my life, cancer has ripped apart of me that will never heal.

     4. I will always and forever miss my mom, she was my 1 of my best friends she knew me the longest, she loved me in a way only a mother can. she knew things about me that no one else in this world knows. I will never let her life on this earth be forgotten.

     5. Now that dad is getting better he does not need me as much, again my sister pointed this out to me the other day. we are keeping our promise to mom that we would take care of dad, he is.  and I would love to tell mom "look we can't do it as good as you can, but we are making sure dad is OK. he is better now!"

     6. I take 0 time for me, (I get my hair cut once a year), I feel guilty if I leave my kids with anyone, they are my job life. I love them so much and if it were not for them I would not be here today. I need to start making more time for me and do a little less for the ones who really don't care anyway. and stop worrying what other people think of me

     7.This weight loss thing is really pissing me off, The fact that I Can have a good day or 2 and then blow it for a week is driving me nuts. I keep saying this and I really do sound like a broken record. THIS IS IT! I have had enough of being fat, I hide behind this fat layer because it convenient, its not me anymore, I will not let this fat  ball and chain tell me who I am anymore.

   THIS IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF MY LIFE.

   ITS TIME TO DANCE LIKE NO ONE IS WATCHING.

   THIS IS MY BIRTHDAY GIFT TO MYSELF.

            join me as I find me, and my life.

118

What is this number to you?

To me it is a number I don't want to have in my life. I feel like with everyday passing it adds more to this number. Everyday feels like a ticking time bomb.

118 is how many days mom has been gone. I still feel like she is on a holiday and I still have to remind myself shes NEVER coming back because she died.

On Friday she will have been gone for 120 days or for those of you who don't wish to see it in days 4 whole lonely months.

I feel sick just thinking about it, I feel so alone (even though I have people who are with me in this)
And most days all I want to do is just SCREAM, I don't want to do this anymore, But I can't wake up.
I want to give up.

I WANT MY MOMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY DID SHE HAVE TO GO?

I am sitting here as my kids are sleeping and my hubby not home. crying my eyes out.

I am going to be turning 31 yrs old on Monday and it will be my first birthday ever that mom won't be wishing me a happy birthday.

I don't want to do this anymore. This can't be making me stronger because I feel so weak. I am crumbling apart slowly with every day that passes.

on February, 22, 2011 (4 months ago today) I was visiting mom in the hospital, she asked me to help her with a shower, and in the painful process she broke down, and said she could not fight anymore. I told her as I held her that it was OK to quit fighting. Deep down I was saying no, you have to keep fighting.

 mom you told me you were never going to give up.

I want to give up too.

Holes in the Floor of Heaven - Steve Wariner [with Lyrics]

Aidan and I listened to this song one day a few weeks ago, and with tears in his eyes he said it makes him think of grandma.
As the much needed rain came last night and continues today/tonight, Aidan said Grandmas tears are sure coming down now.
And so this is my reason for posting this song, for all of us to hear and feel her "tears" coming down.
Love you mom, we all miss you so much, but you know that though. I hope you hear/feel our love for you that will never burn out. EVER!

Its just me again.

Wow it been awhile since I sat done and posted about whats all going on around here, So I'll fill you in here we go.
Dad is doing great he has healed wonderfully from his surgery in May, and the best news is the pathology results came back with NO cancer cells, WOW way to go dad, I know he was so scared about that and I don't blame him one bit, with all that he has been though in the last year. And to add to the good news he is up 5LBS hes at 160lbs now, a few more healthy pounds and he will be on a good streak. I am so proud of you Dad keep up the great work, we are all right beside with you.
I was telling my sister the other day how it was like watching a child grow up before our eyes, from a guy who let mom do almost everything for him, to a man who has had to do it all for himself. Gosh I love that man I call Dad.

Speaking of weight, I had made a decision a while back to loose some a lot of weight about 70lbs or so, (if only i could do a fat transfer to dad LOL) with loosing mom the weight loss thing has been so hard to keep on top of, and some days it just easier to not try. after mom died i gained back almost all of the 16lbs i had lost from the month of January to end of February. I know not good, so i made a step forward and got some help with the weight loss thing, i now go for counseling on it to help me though it, i needed to its my last attempt before i go to the doctor and talk about some other option. But so far so good a bit slow but its OK, I'll get there some day.

This past weekend we went to the local rodeo, a small one but it was my first and the kids first too, i wish i could show you some pics of it but due to our stupid dial up Internet i can, hopefully we can get some kind of high speed soon. (we really do live in the middle of nowhere.) the kid had a blast and it was funny watching Aidan hold down a calf while another kid put a pair of panties on it. and Rhiannon doing a bunny hop as she was barrel racing with a stick horse (her horse was bucking) lol. and Edina telling me how slippery the pigs were that they tried to catch. it was nice to just get away and enjoy some time with the kids as they had fun.

The kids are almost done school, and they are super happy about it (i am too) next Friday i am planning our yearly skip school day, where the Friday before school is out while everyone else is in school, we pack up a picnic lunch and escape to a park and hang out for the whole day. we did it when we were in school (only elementary) and we loved it, Its all the little things like this that they will remember forever (I hope).

We are also planning our first get a way coming in July. Edina as an eye appointment and after that we will just keep driving to see Eric's mom and step dad (aka grandma Kohl, and grandpa Paul). have not decided for sure but was thinking of going to Drumheller, AB.on our way back home. guess I should also mention its just me and the kids and dog going, Eric is staying back to work. should be tons of fun, i better remember to pack lots of Advil. lol.

The garden is in a growing, its slow but it is growing. mom would have loved it. I am looking forward to making bread and butter pickles with dad. :)
The grass on the other hand that we should have had planted around the new house (whole yard which is huge) has not happened due to no rain, the yard that needs to be planted would just be way to big to water by sprinkler so it going to wait till fall. and we should have some nice green grass next year.
But on a good note the deck i am told will be built sometime in June/July. its going to be a nice 32'x16' looking forward to having coffee in the mornings on it listening to the birds and soaking up the morning sun.

As much as would like to vent about how much I miss mom and how life just plan old SUCKS without her, I save you some reading and leave it out, i think I post to much about my broken heart and forget to tell you all about what else is going on.

So I leave you with this, I will try and post again. andnot leave you all wondering where i went.

Just a poem I found.

It isn't letting go,
It's going on.
It isn't only shadows
and it isn't only dawn.
It isn't getting through it
it's letting it come through me,
not living in the darkness
though the darkness I can see.
It's living with the sorrow
but finding memories sweet,
it's knowing that it takes both sides
to make it all complete.
It's soaking up the sunshine
along with the rain
it's learning to let laughter
live side by side with pain.
It's knowing that the years
won't change a love that's real
or take away the joy you brought
or the sorrow that I feel.
It's knowing tears and laughter
can live on the same face,
and your impression on my heart
can never be erased.

not sure who wrote this, but it says so much to me on how I feel with loosing mom.
hope you think the same too.

when does one give up?

the answer when you have kids is easy, NEVER.
There are days like yesterday when i want nothing more than to call it quits, I hate the days when the grief of losing mom just consumes me, I looked at pictures of her, and cried A LOT my eyes hurt, my head hurt, and my body ached. I did get dressed, I did feed and care for my kids, but that's about it.
You can assume what you want, I don't care really.
As much as days like yesterday makes me want to give up, the reality is I CAN'T, and I WON'T. I love my kids and husband to much to do that.

This weekend we are heading to dads to help out with a few odd and end jobs that he needs help with that he is not able to do himself do to his surgery recovery.

I am looking forward to going, not just because i love dad and would go to the end of the earth for him, I like to be around moms "things" just standing in her what was once her sewing room, looking not touching the things she placed in that room, how she had her spools of tread on a rack, how she hung the picture in the house, how she took time to do the smallest things, that made the biggest difference. I am dreading the day when dad is ready to go though her clothes, and sewing room. It will be hard to do, I don't think that day will come for a long time.

Last night i was drifting into sleeping and i swear i thought i heard her voice, it just said  "just talk, I'm here." This morning i laid in bed a bit before i got up, just thinking about that, it tells me that no matter how hard the days are i can just talk, she will hear me, i might not beable to hear her (some times) but she is here watching over us, She told us the day before she died that she would always be.

So thats all for today, a blog post that was kinda all over the place, but it speaks my heart.

A huge milestone!

Today was a day of mixed emotions, from worried and scared to happy and relief and anything that falls in the middle.
Dad had his surgery today and as scared as he was, he was a trooper though it all. This surgery is one step closer to him getting better.
It was hard to see him missing mom so much but as hard as it is I do understand, she was the one who took care of him, and now us 3 sisters take the role of trying to fill moms role and care for him.
Dad, Lena, Shelda and I went to the hospital at about 6:30am, and about 10am he was taken back for the surgery.
We were told about 1hr 20min for the surgery, and 4hrs later he was done. so us girls were basket cases asking the nurse on the unit if he was done yet. lol
After he was in his room, we seen a very sleepy dad, and a huge relief on his face that he was done. we got him a sandwich and coffee, talked for a bit and then we let him rest as we went out for supper with Fran, moms best friend.
Fran is such a support and even though mom is gone she still cares, she reminds me of mom, its no wonder why they were are best friends.
So all in all it was a good day, a stressful day but good.
That's all from me today, I'm tired, and Shelda and I are gonna try and make the drive home tomorrow some time.

Rascal Flatts-I Won't Let Go Lyrics

To: Dad, Lena, and Shelda. I love you guys, Together we can stand strong and when you need to break down, I'm here to hold you up.

Time heals all wounds.

We've all heard the phrase, Time heals all wounds.

That may be true, but as with most wounds, a scar is what is left behind, and the memory of what caused that wound does not go away.  Just as it changes the look of something on the surface, it's a deep scar that forever changes who we are on the inside as well.  With time a wound heals, and over that period of time as the scab turns to scar, the scar goes through a time of transformation as well.  Scars start off with a purplish red coloration, and over time the color will begin to fade gradually over years to the color of our flesh.  

Much like a real wound, a wounded heart heals the same.  It takes time.  Over time, it doesn't hurt as much as it did in the beginning, and as it starts the healing process we feel the unpleasant tug and reminder of the hurt that caused the pain.  It gradually fades, but always leaves a reminder, a mark.  A mark that will permanently remain and forever changes the way we look at life is what is left.  It's our story.  We all have one.  We all have broken, scarred hearts and are aching to be healed.

We have to be broken to be able to be healed...but, is this what any of want, or ask for?
The answer is a resounding, NO.

I find though, it's a necessary part of life.  We can't walk in this world and expect to be spared of heartache, and hardship.  It will either grow us or destroy us.  We can use our hurts to help others or allow it to hurt ourselves.  No matter the circumstance, and no matter the depth of the hurt, we walk out of it changed.  Hopefully at some point for the better, but I know it doesn't always turn out that way for everyone.  I am finding in my hurt, as I heal that this sort of ache is deep, and the longing doesn't go away....the scar left a mark, one that will likely keep my heart aching for a time longer than I could have imagined.

We can't make our scars go away, but at some point they will start to fade, becoming less recognizable over time.  The scar is permanent, and it's a reminder of where we have been, and how we have made it through.  We all have our wounds that have turned to scars, and over time they do heal, and fade.

As our wound is turning to a scar, we are still learning all we can about grief and how it affects each of us differently, at different times.  The scar is still very visible right now...but going from the deep wound to a scar is progress.

I survived my first Mothers day without mom.

I dreaded Mothers day for a while, knowing that i don't get to wish mom a happy mother's day.
So here is how i survived it.
On Saturday we did some  a lot of yard work, and as the day turned into night and the kids went to bed, and 9:30pm Eric went off to bed, i stayed up, and cleaned the house, i cried as i washed the floors, and about 12:30am i went to bed too
I layed there a while talking myself into not being upset in the morning, the kids were looking forward to giving me their home/school  made cards and gifts, even Rhiannon who had help from the other two.
I awoke in the morning to swollen eyes, the kids were still sleeping, and i took the quite time to have a coffee and watch some Reno show on T.V.
I cooked our normal Sunday brunch (pancakes, eggs, sausage or bacon,  fruit, and yogurt). After that is when the kids gave me their creations they made, i have always love those home made with love kinda gifts from my kids and have kept all of them so far,  after they are displayed for a week or two, i date and name them and tuck them away with all the others they have made me, as i tuck them away, i marvel at the other gifts from them from years past. I know some day when we are empty nesters i will be sobbing over them.
Soon after we finished up with the gift giving, i asked the kids if they wanted to see me give my Mothers day card to my mom? We went outside and i was carrying a pink balloon with a mothers day message i wrote on it, and as i said "Happy mothers day mom" i let the balloon go, we watched it until it disappeared into the clouds.
It was my way of lessening the heartache i had, It felt good.
I just wish she was here, and not in heaven.
After all that we again worked in the yard, and i became angry, i yelled and asked for time alone i the yard, i cried as i worked, and as some time went on i felt better.
By 8pm the kids went to bed, and Eric and I finished up the day with watching "little fockers" while i folded laundry. I needed something to laugh at, i have cried enough the pat 2 days, i feel like i have forgot how to laugh, but after that movie it was back.
This is a busy week, I got to get as much stuff done between today and Thursday, because on Friday we are off to a Mutual Propane (the company mom worked for, and dad still currently works for) banquet, they hold these yearly and this year is supposed to be a tribute to mom. can't wait i love hearing how she touched so many people.
And next week i am going to be in Edmonton as dad has surgery, it will be stressful, and i am confident he will pull though it. i will post how it all goes.
That's all for now, until next time. have a great day.

Trying to hide my tears!

If your sick of hearing my pity party heartache, please don't read.

So Mothers day is comming up on Sunday, and of all the holidays of the year this feels like the worst one to face. I know all the first year is hard. but facing a mothers day with no mom feels wrong, There is lots of people who do this every year. and it isnt easy at all.
I won't get to wish mom a happy mothers day or tell hr how much i love her for all she has done for me as a mom. I HATE THIS, i just want this to be a nightmare, and wake up.
and here i am gonna be selfish for a moment. I WANT MY MOM, WHY HER?, WHY CANCER?.
All theses questions and i know they will never be answered.
So I am going to write a letter to mom on here, so here we go.

Dear Mom.
Its been 70 days today without you, I miss you so much, people say it gets easier with time, and I am trying to get though these passed 70 days with a fake smile so people think i am OK, but I'm not.
Mom my heart hurts everyday, Some days are harder than others, and they days that are harder than others, i feel like a bad mother myself, I don't do anything, i do make sure the kids are taken care of, but that's about it, I spend a lot of time crying/laying around.
I know if you were here you would kick my ass for not doing anything, and i am sorry that i am wallowing in grief.
I don't know how to make it though Mothers day without you, but i will try and put on a smile for my kids for that day, after all they do still have their mom.
I don't know how you did it when you lost grandma (your mom). you seemed to also put on the fake smile and chug though your heartache for us kids. I wish i could do that, but i know i will never be as strong as you were.
you were/are such an amazing woman, and i thank you for being my mom, you showed me so much in life, i will forever carry that with me.
When you told me about 2 weeks before you passed away that you feel like you had been waiting 20 yrs for the phone to ring from grandma, i did not quite grasp what you were telling me, but i can say now i sure do know now.
I miss our daily phone calls, especially the ones first thing in the morning, when we would talk over a cup of coffee, these are the memories i will hold forever.
We were in Walmart last weekend and as we were walking by the yarn, Aidan asks me if i knew how to knit a sweater? i said no, it was one of the only things i did not learn, and now of course i wish i did. and like you learned from books and patterns i will too. Aidan was squeezing his foot into the last pair on knitted socks you made him, so i know what the first thing to try is going to be a new pair of knitted socks, he is growing and he loves those socks and sweaters. mine will never be as good as yours but i will try
My garden is going to be put in, in the next month or so, and i am thinking back to when i used to plan out what i would plant, and you always made sure i remembered the zucchini, and as fall approached on us, we soon realized we forgot to plant beets, a staple in most gardens and we would forget them, but don't worry mom I GOT THE BEET SEEDS to plant.
I hope you are having fun with Byron.
And as we all go on with our lives down here on earth, i hope that you watch over us, and watch you grand babies grow.
I love you mom, i always will.
                                                      Happy Mothers day in heaven.
                                                       from your daughter Corinna.

If roses grew in heaven,
Please pick a bunch for me,
Place them in my mother's arms
and tell her they're from me.
Tell her I love her and miss her
and when she turns to smile,
Place a kiss upon her cheek
And hold her for awhile.
Because remembering her is easy,
I do it everyday,
But there is an ache within my heart,
That will never go away.

This is Life!

I know i said I would post about how our Easter went, and so here it is, better late than never right?
So Easter day April/24/11 marked 2 months that mom passed away, and for that we showed Dad how much we learned from Mom a we made a huge supper, it included *taking a deep breath* turkey, ham, mashed potatoes, stuffing (dressing), green bean casserole, turnips, mustard sauce (for the ham), gravy, 5 pies (not store bought) they were 2 apple, 2 pumpkin, and 1 chocolate cream.
And other than the gravy (which was a bit lumpy) dad said we did well.
Thanks mom for teaching us how to put on a traditional supper, now we know why you started early in the mornings, its a ton of work.

Rhiannon had a follow-up appointment 2 days ago with her Physical, occupational, and speech therapy.
let me recap for those of you who don't know.
When Rhiannon was born, her placenta had ripped and caused a lot of blood loss for her out of 4 grades of abruption, we had a grade 3 abruption, the 4Th is death for both of us, and alot of the time babies who suffer a grade 3 abruption die.
No doctor thought she would survive, and if she did we were told she would never walk, talk, or do any f the things she does today.
 Rhiannon survived hers, but did suffer some oxygen deprivation due to the blood loss,
at 9 months of age i knew she needed help, I was not going to take what the doctors said, and i was not able to give it to her,
so with the help of a health nurse we entered into a program where children with physical delays and their parents learn how to move forward and learn how to teach a baby/child to meet milestones with physical and occupational therapies.
and with many appointments and hrs a day working with her at home she was classed "normal" 2 yrs ago.
On Thursday her appointment was to just make sure she was where he should be still.
she did all of what she was asked to do and more.
The occupational therapist asked Rhiannon to draw a circle and showed her a circle so she could draw it, she did it,
then she was asked to draw a square, and she did. then she was asked to draw a +, but she drew a circle instead,
she was asked to try again and drew a circle again. then Rhiannon asked for help and the occupational therapist showed her how to draw the first line and then the second, and asked Rhiannon to try,
Rhiannon said "no" "you did it, Good job your so smart" she told the therapist, and the room broke out into laughter,
she has come along way and beyond what anyone thought she could do.
She is a miracle some tell me, but i like to think of it as a child who has beat the odds and gives others hope to push forward and not take what doctors tell you to heart, because no one can tell you your child's outcome better than your child.

I am proud of all 3 of my children, they show me what life is all about when i all I want to do is give up, they make me want to be a better person.

Moving Forward.

Its been a while since my last post, I have been i guess what they call a bit withdrawn from life, I tend to my kids, do a bit of house work, do the minimum of whats required in life, i feel sick but i don't think its a bug of any kind just the workings of the grief/stress. I am working on it, some days are good, others are not.
So let me tell you whats on my mind these days.
Spring is here, and so it is supposed to mark a new beginning for most people, after a long hard cold winter so many are embracing it. I am too, some what, but still am stuck in my grief, and I know I am not alone.
Easter is on Sunday, and so is mom's 2 months in heaven, We are planning a family Easter gathering, kinda like we did for Thanksgiving, except without mom here with us, It makes me really look back and be truly thankful we were able to have mom for Thanksgiving, guess all her advice to us girls though life is really gonna shine though, because we are gonna have to wing this on our own, we can't ask mom how do you do this? or how much of that? so here we go, this is it, this is what we know, I'll make sure i post about how it all goes.
I was looking outside yesterday, and thinking i was gonna have to get my butt out there and mark out my "new garden" spot, and start deciding what I'm gonna plant, for sure I know beets. LOL i promised mom i would plant them so Lena could have her pickled beets (her favorite), and I am gonna have to make sure dad gets his bread and butter pickles too. I'm gonna have to raid her recipe stash to get her recipes for them.
Among the garden and endless yard work (new yard) the kids also want some chickens, for fresh eggs and fresh chicken meat, and at first i was kinda not going for it but with the research i have done on the hormones and crap the non organic chicken farmers use and the whole cancer thing, more and more i am looking at aiming for an organic/green house family someday, for me it just makes sense. its not just chickens but most of our meat from the store and produce, if you have the money and ability to buy organic than great but where i am and the cost of fuel to drive, i think we are gonna try this organic living thing, it will take time but i hope to have our home organic/green living in 5yrs. wish me luck. :)
Rhiannon goes next week for a follow up in her physical/occupational therapy, she was last there when she was almost 2, now she is almost 4, I know she is on target to where she should be, if anything it nice to show them how far she has come in her almost 4 yrs of life, from a baby that all the doctors said would never even breathe on her own, to this happy child who talks your ear off, and has so much to live for and teach others with her determination to prove everyone WRONG. I love all 3 of my kids so much and I am thankful everyday i have them, nothing comes even close to the love i have for my babies, when i gave birth to Aidan mom had said to me "now you can watch your heart walk outside your body" and boy was she right. X 3.
Dad has his next appointment for his next surgery, its May 18Th and we are all kinda nervous about it. lets hope it goes smoothly. I have all my ducks in order so i can be with him for it. agian i'll try and post more about how it goes.
Any way that's all for now from me, nothing exciting but it something. have a great day everyone.

Missing her.

Its been 31 days of life without mom. I miss her more today than i did yesterday, and i missed her more yesterday than i did the day before.
This pain in my heart will never end, and i know i probably sound like a broken record to you.
This blog has turned into a bunch of pity party posts of how my heart aches.
I feel lost without her, i feel like huge parts of my day to day life is bare without her here.
I miss her calling me in the mornings and having coffee over the phone, her talks were so calming.
I miss her voice, her laugh, her thoughts and mostly her unconditional love she had.
I now am facing an ugly side of grieving the loss of mom, because i am jealous of other people who still have their moms, i know it stupid, and don't think i hate anyone.
Did you know its only 40 days till Mother's day? UGH! i just want to scream, while others try and pick the "just right mothers day card" that say "mom your the best" ...I'll just be by passing the Mother's day isle in the stores, with my heart aching wishing i could. Instead for Mother's day I'll light her a candle, and remember the 29 mother's days i got to have with her.
I hate that mom only exists in memories, and pictures. it still feels so unreal, that she is gone.
I keep thinking back to the beginning of February when mom was in the hospital here is a post from then http://learningtostaystrong.blogspot.com/2011/02/arms-of-mother.html That day i had supper with dad and asked him what he thought of mom being sick, he told me he did not think she would see spring. when i dropped dad off at home, i went back to see mom. I asked her a burning question that sat heavy on my mind. I sat on her hospital bed and asked "mom, is this it?" she took my hand and said she did not think she could keep going with the Chemotherapy, that she would just accept the time she had left. I told her i wish i could be as strong as her, and right now i feel like a wimp.

UPDATE! on everything.

So tomorrow marks 1 whole month mom as been an angel in heaven watching over us with Byron. so much has happened in the last month, i still feel like its been months that we have been at this spot.
as much as loosing mom has hurt, we still have reasons to smile today, let me share it with you.
Yesterday dad and i went to the Cross Cancer Institute for dad to have a check up, up till now we keep a guard up knowing that with cancer anything can happen, we pray for the best but you also prepare to hear something you don't want to hear.
We sat waiting in a waiting area, and as dad sat sipping a coffee, i flashed back to September 15Th 2010.
Lena and I sat with mom in the EXACT same spot while we waited for the doctor to see us, to tell us that mom was terminal. with no hope to survive her stage 4 lung cancer.
I told dad we sat in this spot with her and showed him a picture of her in the waiting area to prove myself, he looked at me did not say a word.
We got called in, dad got weighed then taken into another room where the doctor came in, he talked a while then proceeded with the exam, a camera in his nose down his throat to look on the inside, and a good feel of his neck on the outside, some scraping on the inside of his mouth and he was done.
The doctor then said the most wanted news we needed to hear " NO SIGN OF CANCER".
those words at this time in life have so much meaning, they are the words of hope. I am so proud of dad.
We do still know dad will still need to have surgery on his prostate, and he needs to gain some weight back.
as for my weight loss, well i completely fell of the wagon, i know bad girl, but i am starting back on Sunday FORSURE, on a good note i have not gained anything back. :)
My babies are doing OK with loosing grandma, they talk all the time about her and miss her too, she will be missed for a long long time.
The days now even when i think of mom are not tear filled days and they seem a bit easier to get though, we had moms memorial this past Saturday and i think that helped some, a reason to move forward a bit,
 some days i feel so guilty for even moving forward,
 but as mom said there is no backwards ,only  forward, so forward it shall be.
i hope everyone is having a great day, I am because i am with my babies and we are making grandma a 1 month angel day cake. a double layer super chocolatey cake with frosting and chocolate curls from scratch and we will enjoy it with some cold milk just like she liked it.

2 weeks ago.

I can't hardly believe 2 weeks ago i was able to talk to mom and hold her hand as she told us she was not scared and was ready to go to heaven, I feel like my world has crumbled into pieces that can't be put back together, I know i keep saying I miss her so much, i probably sound like a broken record by now, but i don't really care what people think, a huge part of my heart is missing, and will be like that till the day i am able to be with her again, I scream everyday on the inside and try to get though each day, that seems like the impossible sometimes.
I held her hand 2 weeks ago and said i would be okay,that i would find the way to keep going,  and now i sit here and try to keep my end of the promise up.
I have a video of her from 5 yr ago, it was a family camping trip we all went to for mom and dads anniversary (every 5 yrs we do it, and this yr we will too), she talks in the video her wishes and dreams for us for that weekend, and how much it means to her and dad the time we spend together as a family, its a 2 min talk, and its nice to hear her voice.
i don't know if life as i knew it will ever go back to normal, at least i got my sisters, my dad and some good friends to hold me up when all i want to do is fall.
Love you all thanks for being there for me.

I did not sign up this, no one did.

I never in my life, and I am sure my 3 other sisters and dad would agree, that a life without mom was NEVER gonna happen, i mean we all know that death is a normal part of the end of life, but she was not supposed to go so soon, or i think anyway.
I seem to not recall the sign up sheet that said at the age of 30 you would be motherless, the person that I talked to EVERYDAY multiple times in a day is not there anymore.
I have so many people that care so deeply for me and my family and i truly am grateful, but no matter how much support one has it never will be the same, she is gone, my mom died, I can't call her when i need my mom, i will never feel the unconditional love that only a mother has for her child even at 30yrs old.
I cry and scream inside it feels like all hrs of the day and night, i hate this heartache, and for the first time in 20 something yrs i now know what my mom felt like when Grandma died, it hurts so bad, it tastes nasty, sleep is restless, and a refreshing shower is anything but refreshing.
Life now as it will be for the rest of my life will not ever be normal, my normal is all wrong without mom, and all i can say is thank goodness i have my 3 kids, they save me from doing anything stupid, they are my reason for being here, they are the result of how my mom loved her kids so much and taught me how to be a good mom to my kids.
No one on this earth will EVER love me like my mom loved me.
My heart aches for her and will for the rest of my life.
Please keep my dad in your prayers as he is finding other ways to deal with this loss.

A letter to Mom in heaven.

Today is day 3 that you have been an angel in heaven, 3 days you have been cancer free and pain free, 3 days you have been back with Grandma, grandpa, and Byron, 3 days we have been left here on earth missing you, 3 days of heartache and tears. Its only been 3 days but feels like weeks have passed by.
 you always said that when someones passes away the ones left behind were the ones who suffered.
We miss you so much here on earth but know we will see you in our dreams like you said we would.
I know we had time to say good bye but I still had to much to ask you, i still needed you to show me things, to give me advice, to share things that only a mother and daughter could share, I was not ready, i dont think any of us were ready.
 Yesterday I struggled though wanting you back, but knowing if you were here you would still be hurting.
Life is not fair sometimes and right now seems unbearable at moments to deal with, I know with a bit of time it will get a bit easier to get though. Life will never be the same but i know if we keep to our promise to you of sticking together we will be able to pull though.
You have given so much of yourself to all of us, and i learned all i know from you, You taught me what it meant to live with your heart outside your body when I had my children, I learned what it meant to love unconditionally and fully, You taught the tools i needed to live life and to face this world, Thank-you mom for all you have done for me.
I am dreading the day when life goes back to some what normal days and i can't call you to say "I love you mom" instead i will be talking to you like i do with Byron knowing you will still here my call to you.
We all will learn a new way of living life without you here with us, it will take a while but we will be okay, just like you said we would be.
I know you see us crying out for you, and i know you are holding us though this.
I love you and miss you so much mom, we all do.
with love from Corinna.
P.S. Dad will be okay, we are here for him.

Feeling great!

This morning was my weekly weigh in, the alarm clock went buzz to tell me it was time to rise and get my butt to the scale to weigh in, I went for my pee, then pulled out my good ol friend the weight scale. I looked at it, waited a moment, talked to myself, saying if it shows the same number it did last week that i would keep on at it, it does not matter really what number shows on the scale, all that matters is I FEEL GREAT, the weight loss is the bonus.
After my silly pep talk i tapped the scale with my toe (its digital) removed any clothing that might add even 1/2 a point to the number that shows, and with my eyes closed i took the step, i waited a moment longer before i opened my eyes, and to my pleasant surprise it showed that in 25 days i lost 13.8LBS.
Now i know your sitting there saying to yourself OK cool your loosing weight, but are you not just a little over the top happy, its only 13.8lbs? well i guess i am, and let me tell you that THIS IS the most i ever lost, (childbirth does not count) LOL.
Now let me tell you something scary, well i thought it was anyway. I now weigh as much as i did full term prego with Rhiannon, that thought almost brings me to tears thinking that i let myself go and gained so much weight, I realized with reading other blogs that follow this plan and the 17dd book, that I am was an emotional eater, i have done some deep soul searching to find out why I am like that, and it all comes back to me not liking who I am was.
I made a promise to mom I would keep this new lifestyle up for me no matter what.
And i plan on keeping that promise forever.

He would have been 29 yrs old today!

 I had said in a blog post herehttp://learningtostaystrong.blogspot.com/2010/11/i-miss-him-so-much.html that i would tell you more about this wonderful brother of mine, and what better way than today, what would have been his birthday.
I have a hard time still with days like today, i don't need a special day to remember him because his memory crosses my mind everyday. I think it does get easier, but some days are still hard to make it though. like today.
Byron and I were 18 months apart in age, we grew together, and at one point we were asked at school in grade 7 and 8 if we were twins? lol we both laughed and just went with it, but it did not last long as people realized we were not, we told mom about it and she just laughed with us too. (i miss those days).

 We were the best of buddies, always together, don't get me wrong we did the normal sibling thing a fought, but it never lasted long and we were buddies again.
Byron at one point growing up, grew faster than me, and i remember people asking if he was older, it never was a big deal to us, with him bigger felt like he was my protector when we were in elementary school.

 We did almost everything together, and even when we had problems at school with peers we still had each other to turn to with an unconditional friendship, he never judged me in anyway at all, he was and still is a huge part of who I am today.

 A week before his drowning accident, him and mom were visiting my little family, Aidan was just about 9 months old, Byron went to hunt down 4 used tires to hang on a swing that was in our yard that was there from previous owners, he had Aidan in his stroller, he said he needed Aidan there so he could talk to him and they could spend some time together. He hung those tires up so his nephew and future nieces could one day play on them, That swing still holds 2 of those tires (we needed room to hang a baby swing, and we found a tire horse at a garage sale). I think he still watches from heaven as the kids play on them and smiles down on them.

Today February 16Th he would have been 29 years old, wish he was here to celebrate it, but I know he will be celebrating up there and smiling down to us, he would have never wanted today to be a sad day, so today i have a candle lit for him, and I will quietly sing him Happy Birthday.

To My Valentine.

Today 7 years ago we came together as husband and wife, I can not not picture life with out you.
we may not always agree on everything, and we may at times get on each other nerves, but we always seem to get over disagreements and find a happy medium.
We had a 2year engagement, and and Aidan was 2 years old by the time we tied the knot, most would think this was not right, but it was perfect for us, I still laugh at how on Christmas eve of 2003 less that 2 months before we got married, we were with my side of the family, we were having supper and someone at the table started to say that there was alot of weddings coming up in 2004, and we looked at each other not yet knowing if we were 1 of those that were going to get married that year, i said ya we are too, i looked at you as everyone paused and stared at us, and you said on valentine's day, we never talked about it, it just flowed out, after we left my sister house we then realized wow we got alot to do because it was 1 1/2 month away,  I asked you why valentines day and you said so then you would not forget it because its posted everywhere in the stores. LOL funny man of mine did not want to be in the doghouse for forgetting our day together, smart one.
We have been though alot together, the birth of 3 beautiful children, the life and death decisions for our daughter, the end of your family's farm, the loss of family members, the hardships that are typical to most married couples, a new home, and many more. these are all things that bring us closer together.
I love you Eric, and I am looking forward to many more years together.
I wish you were here with me to celebrate our wedding anniversary together, but i understand you need to be where you are working.
I am looking forward to the weekend comming so we can have our romantic date night at home, the kids know about it and are looking forward to it too, I did tell them they were not invited, that they would be set up in the basement with a movie and snacks so we can spend a nice romantic evening together.
I Love you Eric, happy anniversary/valentine day babe.
With lots of love from your Sweetie Corinna. XOXO!

Terri Clark "Smile" Live in San Bernardino, CA, 10/15/10

The arms of a mother!

Yesterday last minute i took a trip by myself to see mom and dad.
as much as it was not planned, i have to say this husband of mine has come along way in the past couple months, when i told him i was gonna go, all he said was "OK, drive safe," he never once questioned it, i think he understands that i need to be with mom as much as i can.
So i headed out, got to the hospital, after the drive straight there and lots of water drinking, I HAD TO PEE SO BAD! i walked in the doors past 2 men who were talking, i had slightly forgot for a split second where the bathroom was, and the 1 guy asks behind me are you looking for someone? i turned around and as i was just about to ask where the bathroom was, i realized the person was my dad, i almost started to cry, because after seeing him at Christmas i did not expect to see him look that good, he has made such a huge recovery, still a bit weak but he is dad again, i missed him so much, and i made sure to tell him that.
After i FINALLY made it to the bathroom, I made my way to moms hospital room.
Dad, mom and I visited for a bit, talked and laughed some.
it was nice seeing dad getting better, and knowing he is taking care of mom,which was different because mom has always been the one taking care of dad, it was a side of dad i loved seeing. just wish it was under different circumstances.
The biggest thing i went for was a hug from mom, her arms are like no other arms, because she is mom. those arms have hugged me when i was a little girl growing up, no matter if i was bad, or good, they always held her children with unconditional love.
Those arms hugged me almost everyday till i was 19yrs old, they hugged me when her and i went to the doctor about my heart problems, they hugged me when i told mom and dad i was ready to move out on my own, they hugged me when i found the man i was going to spend the rest of my life with, when i told her i was giving her a grand baby, the day my first baby was born.
those arms where there the day my brother died, after she said goodbye to one child as he took his last breath she was able to turn and hold all of us in her arms and guide us though the tragic loss of Byron.
those arms were there with my son after my second baby came into this world,
those arms where there when i came out of  c-section for my third child who no one thought would live, she stayed with me and held my hand and told me it would all be OK, that she would be there for me what ever happened.
those arms hugged me when she finally seen Rhiannon beat the odds.
Those arms hugged Lena and I as we sat there on September 15Th 2010, as the doctor gave her and us the news of her cancer and little chance of survival.
She hugged us girls as we had to deal with both her and dad ended up in the hospital over Christmas.
And as she laid in her hospital bed yesterday weak, and tired, she still opened her arms to give me a hug, it was so warm and soft, so much unconditional love, that only a mother can have.