I don't feel so happy for a new year.

The other day I tried to wright a blog post about all that Christmas brought us, I had it all done and ready to click post and for the life of me could not hit the post button, you see Christmas was not merry at all, I did not get to see my kids on Christmas morning instead i got to talk to them on the phone, we did not have a very nice ending to 2010 because the reality of both of my parents sick with cancer is catching up with us, Mom ended up in the hospital with a low blood count and was in isolation for 5 days and Dad fell into a deep depression and lost the will to live, so he ended up in the hospital gaining back his strength to fight and find his will to live again. They are both doing OK for now, and still need time to recoup.
I hate to know what 1 year will hold for us, or if we all will be here to see 1 year from now, we can only hope and believe we will be.
Some days I just want the time to stop and we just be in the now, but that does not happen, we must go forward there is no rewind, or stop button.
I know 2011 will be a true test in my marriage, my relationships with my sisters and understanding who i can truly trust in this world, some friendships will be broken and some made stronger, connections with old family members, and finally finding myself in the mist of it all.
I don't wish to say have a happy new year, I don't feel happy at all about it and to say the least i am scared of whats to come.

The Holiday Plans.

Our holiday plans start up tomorrow, the first day my hubby has off of work for 10 days, we are looking very forward to spending so good quality time with family and friends, tomorrow we are packing up all the gifts to deliver to other people and making our rounds together to drop them off and wish everyone a very merry Christmas, we are planning on a movie night with the kids to end the day, on Christmas eve we are starting a new tradition for us and hopefully it will stick and hope we do it every year of making some kind of cut out cookies and decorate them together, i know the kids will love doing that and Eric and I love doing anything that makes the kids happy that we all do together, and we hope to take the kids sledding if its not to cold, sounds like it will be perfect for it.
Christmas day probably will be like every year the kids wake us up and as a family we go to the tree together, no one is allowed to snoop, the kids gather on our bed and we wait till everyone has used the bathroom and then well all hell breaks loose, paper,ribbon, bows, etc...EVERYWHERE, but its all fun, we usually hang out and spend time together for the rest of the day, then we will have a nice supper together.
After Christmas i really hope we get to visit my parents, for a few days, this of course is pending everyone's health, we can not risk taking "germs" to them as they are immune system weak from the chemo treatments.
I hope to get some good pictures with the kids and mom and dad. I know these kids miss their grandma and grandpa so much and they can't wait to give them big hugs and tell them how much they love them too.
I am looking forward to Christmas this year as my babies grow, i know they will start to remember these days and someday will look back and say remember that Christmas........it was so fun. just like they always are.
And the best part is I won't be changing a poopy diaper Christmas morning because there is NONE, I know Rhiannon potty trained 9 months ago but this will be the first Christmas in 9 years i have not had to change a dirty diaper, wahoo i will be toasting to that HUGE milestone. LOL.

The Christmas Season!

So last year we spent our last Christmas just the 5of us in our old crappy house, and i remember telling Eric when we were putting up the tree that i was glad we were almost done with the house that was falling apart and full of mold that was making us sick, sure that house was the home we brought all 3 of our babies home to, but when a home is not the safe place for your family to be in and the cost to "fix" it was more than the cost of a new house, you got to make some changes. Some times change is a good thing, it makes it possible for one to grow, but sometimes the plan you have just never turns out the way you want it to.
Last year i dreamt of "one year from now" and now that it here i sometimes want to go back, i never in a million years would i ever think that the first Christmas in our new home would have the thoughts of wanting last year back, last year no one knew of cancer in the family, everyone seemed happy and other than our moldy house healthy.
Now we face the ugly fact that this might be the last year with mom and dad, and sure miracles happen and we may even have next year too, but to think to far in the future is unrealistic, so we take the now and hope for next year.
We are planning on staying here for Christmas and if we are all healthy (no runny noses) then we plan on going to mom and dads house after Christmas and spend a few days there.
I still have not found the way to tell my kids that their Grandpa does not look the same as the last time they seen him, there is alot less of him physically and mentally, i seen him last weekend and he is not the dad i remember, he is so thin, all my life he has been a rounder kind of guy, he is sad and never smiles, he used to always smile and joke around. guess i'm gonna have to tell them soon because they will see it in less than a week.
Mom is doing way better than anyone ever thought, the tumor has shrunk which is wonderful because the doctors all said not to expect that to happen, but has in return left mom in alot of pain, she is trying to take care of dad so he does not starve to death, and taking care of him is taking away from her to be able to relax.
I only have one wish for Christmas, and that is for mom and dad to be back to the mom and dad i remember.

What a dream! oh wait...... its not!

Geez days like today i just wish it was a bad dream, I woke up this morning and all i could think about was the phone call i had with my sister Lena, our conversations on the phone seem different these days because with my mom and dad staying there while getting treatments its a topic that i just don't know how to talk to her about, Lena is such a trooper though all of this cancer crap that is by the way showing its ugly side now, she works a full time job which some days are 10hrs long and skips her breaks just because its busy, and being the manager she gets the shaft, she then goes home and tends to her husband and daughter, while also looking after mom and dad, i don't know how she does it everyday and still gets up the next to do it again, she is an amazing woman, she is my sister, my best friend, she is the one who saved Rhiannon's and my life, she is always there when you need her the most, I love her more than words can say, and I don't know if she will ever know how much i do.
Last night after getting off the phone with her, all i could think is "i should be there helping" but i know it won't make anything better, and trust me if i could take this stupid cancer away from my family i would without a second thought, its an ugly thing to have anyone go though and i really wish it did not have to exist.
I wish there was more i could do for Lena and her little family, for my mom, for my dad, but really I think the only way i can help is to just listen when they call, so they have someone to talk to ,who is not there, but is there in heart.
This Christmas does not feel right, because of this whole "thing", we decorated the house, i have started to make the x-mas goodies, we are almost done the shopping with just the few last things to go, but this Christmas all I really want is something i can't have......things back to normal, and to wake up from this awful dream we are in.              but its never going to be normal, because this is life and we don't have control over it.

9 Years! HAPPY BIRTHDAY AIDAN!

 This picture is of Aidan when he was just a few day old, and weighed 9lbs, 10oz an was 22inches long, he made us parents and we were so proud of him.

fast forward to today and he is 9years and 80lbs, 4'8 tall, we are still as proud to be his parents today as we were 9 years ago.
Happy Birthday Aidan Hans we love you more than you could ever know.

Only at night!

Well this household has been hit with a stomach bug, at 11pm last night my little Rhiannon was up from her sleep and very fussy, she just wanted me, I knew that moment she was not well she was very pail in color and cried uncontrollably then came the OMG moment and yup it was everywhere.......all over my bed and her and the floor. as i yelled for Eric to come and help with puke duty (he was on the computer at that time), he cleaned the puke that hit the floor and I attended to the puke covered child, i tiny part of me celebrated when  noticed it was not in her hair, so a bath did not have to happen just a quick sponge bath, and lots of hand sanitizer after she was settled in a bed on the floor near my bed, i then went to start laundry that was all my bedding her PJ's and some towels and face cloths, I don't like the smell of puke laundry sitting and after a child pukes I will smell it until its washed, so at 1am that's what i was doing, at 2ish am she woke again to puke but this time i had my puke bucket ready to catch the flying mess, i think i did well because  did not have any puke anywhere but the bucket, 1 point for me, yay. lol and by the way the rule in this house is if i have to attend to the sick children and hubby gets to sleep, i get to wake him to empty the bucket and wash it out. lol. that's my reward for catching the puke in the bucket. :D
she did not sleep from 2-5:30am and he only thing that helped my poor baby was to rub her back and sit near her while she dry heaved.
As much as I wanted sleep, I felt my time was better spent soothing her, sleep will come later, i will live though the day and hope for a better night tonight.
My fingers are crossed that this is just 1 kid and not anyone else but if not than I guess puke duty will be my night time job for a bit..........IT ALWAYS HAPPENS AT NIGHT!  I am not letting my guard down yet.

UPDATE: A few hours after posting this, Edina was at school when she started to feel unwell, she did not puke yet but she says she feels yuck in her tummy,she is home from school until she is better, hope tonight is not a repeat of last night, because this mommy NEEDS some sleep really bad.
here is to a restful night.........i hope.

It is what it is, and I am who I am!

I guess we all sometimes ask ourselves who we really are, do you know who you are? do you let people know who that person is that you know? and if not the why?
I guess at one point or another we have all pretended to be someone we really are not, I guess what I am trying to say is that if you know you then you would not have to hide and cover up in lies to pretend to be someone you are not.
I may not be the perfect mother who is super involved with her children's school, or have tons of friends, or go to the gym to work out, I may not have the perfect body and yes I am over weight, I have yo yo dieted and would love nothing more than to stick to it and loose the extra pounds because I need to and I want to, so I guess what I am trying to get across and asking you is if you would like to join me in a weight loss challenge, add yourself as a follower and  together we can be who we want to be and be comfortable with who we are, so today is day 1 and  I plan on posting my ups and downs with trying to loose weight and get healthy for me.
I am not planning on going from my over weight body to a super slim exercise-a-holic because lets be real here I HAVE KIDS and that is my soul focus in this journey. and no i am not going to mention my weight on here, just how much LBS and inches i am down each week.
P.S. don't be shy let me know who you are. if you want to join me.

Thank-you COFFEE For Making Crazy Mornings A Bit Easier To Handle........

Every morning I get up 30min before the "start time of the day" witch is 7am, just so i can wake up, have a cup of much needed so good coffee, and the best part I get to go pee with out anyone in the bathroom with me, It seems like no matter when I go to the bathroom I ALWAYS have a follower and if i lock the door so they can't come in, they knock bang on the door asking "MOM WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE" really do they honestly think i would be in there having a party of some sort they just don't want to miss? the doctor was not kidding when I went for my first appointment when i was prego with Aidan that i was never going to get my privacy back. LOL. boy if  i knew then what i know now.
Before the kids have to get up i usually get a full HOT cup of coffee down.
So at the start time i go and wake the ONLY necessary people, Aidan and Edina and if i am really having a lucky day Rhiannon will stay sleeping for as long as i can keep the other 2 quite, this does not happen often and if shes awake she just follows along with the routine, I make them breakfast i sit them at the table apart from each other because if they are beside each other they WILL fight it never fails, as they eat their breakfast i make lunches and pack the back packs and if i am lucky i will have gotten a sip of coffee in, then its time to get dresses, the rule in this house is that sweat pants can only be worn one day of the 5 day school cycle, Aidan will always argue this EVERY morning with me and try his hardest to wheel and deal some chore with me to allow him to wear sweats more than 1 day, I don't give in, he just thinks he can change my mind with a bribe.
after they are dressed the whole keep the kids separate still applies, they have to brush their teeth but one at a time in the bathroom, if not someone will find something to start a fight. gosh all they have to do is just look at each other wrong and all hell breaks loose.
after teeth brushing the hair must be at least brushed to remove bed head.
this whole process believe it or not takes 1hr to complete they then must get the whole out door gear on and with it being winter and snow outside they have to wear their snow suits which i have to remind myself to tell them to go to the bathroom before you get the snow suits on.......yes this happened today, after they were ALL dressed Edina looks at me and says what every parent dreads to hear when they wait for the bus all bundled up in their snow suit " mommy i have to go POOP" I asked her why she did not go before she got her snow suit on and she simply said i only had to pee. and as i look at the clock, and take a deep breath  i know the bus will be here in a matter of minutes. OK lets get ALL this stuff off and go to the bathroom, its amazing how when you say "your gonna miss the bus if you don't hurry up", how quickly going poop can take we spend more time getting the snow suit back on than it took for her to go, wipe, flush, and wash hands.
as they leave on the bus, than if Rhiannon has not all ready gotten up from all of the noise then it time to get her breakfast and I get to drink my 2nd cup of coffee COLD because it got to sit and wait for me to sort out the morning crazy routine.
So as crazy as my mornings are COFFEE with CAFFINE is still my hero to save me as I wake in the morning, I LOVE YOU COFFEE. thanks for making my mornings possible.
Have a good day, I know i will because I GOT MY HOT COFFEE IN MY HAND!!!!!! MMMMMMM!

When you think your sinking.....grab the life jacket.

In my case, I feel like I'm sinking in a pool of the unknown, with everything that is happening, some days I just feel like crawling into a dark quite hole and just make like none of this is really happening.
But I have life jackets to help me stay afloat, an they come to me as the people in this world that are the world to me. My parents, my sister Lena, my wonderful husband, my children, my best friend Dawn, these people have been there though every rough moment from problems with my health, to the difficult time we had with our youngest birth (BTW Dawn and her family cut their vacation short, 4hrs away and came to my hospital bed to give me a hug, talk about going the extra distance for a friend) (my mom was there to as I came out of the OR, to just hold my hand and tell me it will be ok) ( my sister Lena SAVED mine and my baby's life by getting us to the hospital safety, and when I was not able to be there she turned into my kids step in mommy without being asked) (my husband held my hand and took the "father" role and became a man I had never seen i him until Rhiannon's birth).
 These people save me everyday, just when I feel like I need a pick me up they are there at just the right time, whether its a phone call, a hug, or just simply making it known that they are there to help keep me afloat.
Thank-you for being there for me. you are the world to me. and for that I love you.

A weekend to hold forever in my heart!

So this past weekend my little family and I went to visit my mom and dad, Its not like it used to be, because this time I think more about how to hold the memories closer to my heart.
We got there at about 10ish in the morning on Saturday, mom had asked me to help her go though her linen closet to straighten it up, I never in a million years would have enjoyed that job but it was time with my mom. Her and I went to the grocery store to pick up a few things, and my mind kept thinking about how her and I did that together when i lived at home just 10 years ago. i miss those days and sometimes wish I could go back, but reality hits me and I know I can't, that's why they call them memories! I am so happy I have them, they often make me smile when all I want to do is cry.
Sunday mom made brunch and Rhiannon asked grandma if she could crack the eggs, moms ONLY responce to that was sure you can, she like always with her grand kids gets down to their level and shows them how to, she stood behind Rhiannon held her hands in hers and they hit the egg on the counter top and showed Rhiannon that you hold it over the bowl and squish it, The smile on moms face and the look on Rhiannon's face was one that was priceless, I wish I had a picture to show but......after brunch and a clean up mom and I were going though a few things from when I lived at home, craft things her and I were going to do but never got around to it, not really sure why. But I had fun going though that stuff that made both of us go " oh yeah, i remember when we were going to do that" and we both laugh.
I had a hard time seeing my dad, he has lost alot of weight and looks like he has aged 10years in just a month since the last time I had seen him. in the past I used to joke around and always wipe his sloppy kiss off my cheek, he also would joke around with a kiss on the cheek hello or good bye, Its not like that way anymore and Dad asked why I don't the only answer i had for him is " I want the kiss to keep" unfortunately he never herd me because his hearing is going. It was hard to fight the tears but I did not want him thinking I was falling apart, I did not want him to feel bad for me.
I enjoyed the time with mom and dad, i will hold this with me forever.
I love you mom and dad, more than you know. stay strong and fight because i need you.

I miss him so much!

Let me introduce my brother Byron he still is a huge part of who i am, even though he is not here on earth, as kids we did everything together, he was practically my twin even though there was 18months between us, in school one time when we started junior high school, we got sick and tired of people asking if we were twins we just said "ya we are". lol
Byron became an angel in August of 2002.
I miss this young man everyday, though all the hard times in our family I know he is there watching over all of us, I dream about him often, and my mom tells me that's called a visit, they are comforting to me to have those dreams, they often are of him just sitting in the same room as me he does not talk but just smiles, just like the picture.
I see him in my children ,more so in Aidan, he resembles like alot of Byron's childhood pictures, Aidan has the same nose, and i often wonder if this is how my little man will some what look when he is a man.
Some days I am sad that i can't just have a hug from him but I know he is no far when I feel like that.
My kids often ask about Uncle Byron and I don't hold back any memory that i have of him.
When Aidan was born Byron and my mom came to the hospital to see us, he held Aidan so proudly as if he was his son, in the picture above in his arms that you can not see is my niece Chelsey at 2 months of age, see how he just glowed with pride, he loved kids so much and would have loved to show his nieces and nephews all that he knew, but i know he watches over them everyday.
Some day I will post some childhood pictures of the two of us together, and tell a few memories.

Untill next time have a wonderful weekend, I know I will because I'm going to visit my mom and dad.

What it means to me.

So yesterday i came across a song that struck a tender note in my heart, here are the words to it.

                                                      A KISS GOOD-BYE.
When you loose something~It's all that you want back~You wait impatiently~But it don't work like that~~~~When you loose someone~The first thing that goes though your head~Is if you run fast enough you just might catch up~But it don't work like that~~~~(chorus) You just got to watch it fly~~~Stand there on the sidelines~Go on and swallow you pride~Know is gonna be alright~Wish it well and close your eyes~ With a kiss goodbye~~~~Well the hardest part~Yeah it hurts so bad~Is when she spreads her wings~ But it'd be a selfish thing to try and hold her back~But it don't work like that~~~(chorus) ~When you loose something~It's all that you want back~~~(chorus)~~~Like a kiss goodbye.

This song is from a group called Little big town, it can have many meanings for many people, I let Eric listen to i and he said or him he felt that i was referring to a little girl growing up.
To me i feel like this is what it like in my heart, with what is happening with my mom, i can't change the lung cancer, i cant keep her here for the comfort of having her here on earth that when the time comes we just have to be able to say goodbye and let her go.
And as my mom said to me when we all found out she had lung cancer that if anything comes from this if she looses her battle than we do get to say goodbye.
some days are harder than others, today is just one of those not easy days.

Rhiannon Makenna!

The day I found out I was pregnant with Rhiannon I was filled with alot of thoughts, I think the biggest one was "I so did not expect this one" "are we ready for another child?" I was most of all scared, giving birth to Aidan and Edina was not at all easy on me, with my heart problem its just a higher risk being pregnant, but as time went on I was ok with it, really that is the only way to be with it.
Everything went normal with the pregnancy no morning sickness, no heart burn, just tired mostly because I was running after my other 2 kids. I did have 4 ultrasounds throughout the pregnancy just to check size of the baby, and after the placenta previa i had with Edina, the doc just wanted to make sure all was well.
I think the biggest difference between my pregnancy with Rhiannon and the other 2 was the simple fact the the other 2 due dates were in the winter and Rhiannon was in the middle of summer.
On July 28th 2007, I felt a bit tired and as the morning went on felt waves of dizziness and weakness, I made a call to the hospital and they asked for me to come in for monitoring and with it being hot out maybe i was dehydrated, so off we went the 45min drive to the hospital, as we were driving in I felt very sick and just over all unwell, after we got there the nurse asked me to give up a pee sample, but for the life of me i could not and felt the best place for me to be was in the bed.
The nurse hooked me up to the fetal monitor and  left to get the doctor on call, they returned to tell me the baby's heart rate was very high and ordered blood work to be done, when the blood work came back it showed a low blood count and the cure for that was a blood transfusion, the doctor said that after I received the extra blood if the baby's heart rate did not come down  then he would have to deliver the baby that day.
I had 2 units of blood and she responded to it and her heart went back to a normal rate, the doctor said they would keep me over night and if the night went well i could go home until my body was ready to have the baby.
but as the night went on my body  started to go into labor and by 6am the doctor said he felt he needed to just do a c-section and end what ever was going on.
I was prepped for the surgery and as soon as the doctor was cutting into my uterus he realized i was having a placental abruption and as those words came out of his mouth the OR moved very fast and quite, I felt no pain but did feel the moment she came out, on July,29,2007 Rhiannon Makenna Kohl entered this world at 8:44am and weighed 8lbs 13oz,  i thought i would hear a cry, but nothing came from her, she was pulled out of my body "dead" and after what seemed like forever they worked on her and "brought her back" and they had her hooked up to a ventilator, IV's, all sorts of wires to measure her vitals.
because we were at a hospital that did not care for critically ill babies she needed to be air lifted to Edmonton to the stollery children's NICU, 5hrs after she was born she was ready to be taken there, but before she and Eric left I got to see my baby for the first time as they wheeled her issolete by into the elevators it was a very fast intro and a good bye as they needed to get going.
they told us that they did not think they would make it to Edmonton with her still alive, so I had no choice but to sit back and wait for a phone call to tell me she was still with us. while I waited I had to have 2 more units of blood to stabilize my body which was confirmed that I had a grade 3 placental abruption that I had no signs or symptoms of.
After they had her in the NICU they were better able to stabilize her and let her body start to heal itself.
after a brief 3 days i begged the doctor to let me out of the hospital so I could go to my baby's side, and at 4days old I finally got to see my baby fully for the first time, and 15min before i got to her side the doctors decided to take her breathing tube out, what a wonderful surprise. all i could do was just sit there and study her every feature, after all EVERYONE ELSE got to besides me, it was not till recently that i just started to get over this, NO MOTHER should ever be the last person to get to see and study her baby EVER!!!!!!!but that is another story.
on august 2nd 2007 she was transferred to intermediate care nursery at the grey nuns hospital, from there she made leaps and bounds on her recovery and every doctor told us that this child would not live and if she did that she would not be a "normal" kid, on August 14th 2007 at 17 days old she was released from the hospital.
Rhiannon has had her share of complications, from simple colds that land her in the ER with breathing problems, to learning delays, we worked with a physical therapy group to get her where she needed to be "normal".
Today I can say she is "normal". she has taught me what life is about, she has taught me to slow down and enjoy today for what it is, she has taught me to "hold on" when everyone else around you is saying there is no hope. Rhiannon is a ball of energy that has a huge heart of gold just like her brother and sister, not a day goes by that she does not say something funny.
I am so proud of all my kids they are what keeps me going everyday, because if it were not for them i know i would give up when times are tough. they put a smile in my heart. and for that i love them, i will forever, isn't that what mothers supposed to do.

We may not have it all together, but together we have it all!

As some days seem exhausting and just plain stressful, these faces of my little family keep me going, I went though school not knowing what I wanted to do as I became an adult and until I set my eyes on my first child, I knew in an instant THIS is what i was put on this earth to do.
After we had Edina I thought I was done the child bearing years of my life, but now I can not even picture a life with just 2 kids, I was meant to have and raise 3 beautiful babies, they are the perfect 3 kids for me, they are exactly what kids I wanted.
What really could make me more whole as the person I am? I feel like the luckiest person alive,  have been blessed with my wonderful husband, who is at times weird, but I love him and he makes it so I can have the wonderful job of a stay at home mom to our kids, he accepts me for me.
I love my wonderful family, they are perfect for me.

Edina Leanne.

Edina is our middle child who has taken that role wonderfully, i can not imagine the other 2 in her spot she just does a perfect job. :)
Edina was a "planned" pregnancy and was conceived just shortly after we got married in 2004. when i had my first ultrasound at 20ish weeks were told by the doctor that the placenta was over top of the cervix and to take it easy because if it was disturbed in any way it could cause the placenta to rip and hemorrhage resulting in us loosing the baby, so i followed the docs advice and did not go on bed rest but took it easy no heavy lifting, no running after the cattle, no sex, and also planning a c-section, when i hit 35 weeks i had another ultrasound and was then told with the baby growing it made the placenta move off of the cervix which then we were not having a c-section and i was given the go ahead to "be normal". lol.
we were so busy on the farm with cattle and such and that year we did not have a whole lot of snow o we were able to graze the cows on hay fields, that just made it so instead of feeding we just moved cows from field to field, cheaper but a pain in the butt.
On December 16Th 2004 the day before my due date, we were moving the cows to a new grazing patch which did not take to long, Eric was ahead of the herd leading them with a bale of hay and Aidan and i bring up the back with the pick-up truck, of course there had to be one stupid cow that did not want to go and decided to turn and go back though the willow trees, so that left me (Eric was way ahead) to run after her though the willows and get her with the herd, she changed her mind about going back when i got her into a open area and put a run on her with the truck, i would just love to write about exactly why the cow decided to go with the herd but i fear someone will take that out of context and assume something different, lets just say when we were done Eric asked why that cow who he knew was in the back and is always in the back ran ahead of the whole herd and the tractor he was in and beat everyone to the field. i told him you just don't mess with me when I'm 40 weeks pregnant, she knew what was best for her. LOL.
so that night after we had supper and Aidan was bathed and tuck int bed, i was tired and went to bed but could not sleep, and realized i had cramps, oh great I'm labor now, and all i want to do is sleep, but we had to get someone to come stay with Aidan and we needed to get to the hospital.
After 15 hrs of labor on December 17Th 2004, we welcomed Edina Leanne into the world at 5:57pm, she weighed in at 9lbs 3oz. as the doctor said we now had the "perfect family" 1 boy 1 girl really what more could be perfect than 2 healthy kids.
Edina's name came from eric's grandma who was edina as well as her daughter, who was the last female kohl born before our edina 68yrs before, when i was in labor, we realized that we were so busy we really did not talk about any names and did not realize the significance in her name till after we were home. Leanne came from a magazine that Eric was reading while i was in labor and to decide on a middle name he opened the magazine randomly and started to read it and the first female name he came across was Leanne so that is how we got the name, just randomly. lol
Edina is almost like Aidan in wanting to be everyone's friend, and has such a kind heart.
she is such a princess and loves anything to do with fashion, her favorite show happens to be the wedding dress shows, she loves horses and adores her pony, they love each other and it amazes me how she is so out going and will try anything once, some days i wish i was like that.

Dear Edina.
my dear sweet little princess, I love you more than words can say, you and your brother and sister are the sunshine in my heart and make me smile everyday, I am so glad i have you to brighten up my days.
I want you to know to always dance like no one is watching you.
                                       With love from mommy forever to the moon and back.

A mothers instinct is never wrong.

Last week I took Edina to the eye doctor to have her eyes looked at because she complained that things on her left side looked like they were falling over and at school she was having difficulties with her letters but not at all struggling with anything else.
after leaving the eye doctors last week i felt they did not look into the problem or listen to any of my concerns about her problems, the doc said that she could use a small prescription but felt that it was not enough of one and he also felt she was too small for glasses to make a difference and her problems that she was complaining of had nothing to do with her eyes.
So I went with my instinct and went to another doc yesterday, the doc listened to both of us about all the concerns, did the exam and concluded that she indeed does need glasses for her left eye because the cornea is shaped wrong, so for  months she will wear glasses and we go back to have her looked at again to see if they are correcting the problem, if not we then need to see another doc and talk about surgery to fix this problem.
It goes to show that a mother knows best for the well being of her children and will go the extra mile to make sure her children are looked after the right way.

On other news today my dad starts his chemotherapy treatments for his cancer today, lots of thing run though my mind on this subject, happy that the show is on the go, and scared for him at the same time. its  fighting chance for him and we all hope he kicks this cancer.
my mom should be starting her chemo soon too. i can only hope that they find a cure for her so I can still call her everyday to say  "I love you mom".

Introducing Aidan Hans!

Aidan Hans Kohl made me a mommy for the first time, when he came into this world I was not sure I was able to fill the role of a mommy, he made it so easy to do, he was such a laid back baby and only cried when he wanted to be fed or changed other than that he was such a low maintenance baby.

Eric and I woke up the morning of Dec,3rd to a snow blizzard and made the plan of the day of feeding the cattle herd and take it easy for the rest of the day, so by lunch time we finished up and and went home for lunch, Eric talked me into a afternoon nap, after laying down for 10min or so i felt a slight pop inside my belly, i did not say anything to Eric and went to the bathroom, after reality hit me that my water had broke i went back to the bedroom and told Eric, i never seen that man move so fast, phoned the hospital and told them we were on our way, going to the hospital on good roads with out a blizzard took us about 45min from our door to the hospital door. our drive that day took us almost 2hrs.

After a long painful 30hr back labor, Aidan came into this world on December,4,2001 at 5:57pm and was 9lbs 10oz. and 21inches long.

He was supposed to be here on November,19Th,2001, which earned him the "late baby" title. but i would not change a thing about it. he is still to this day laid back and wants to be everyone's friend. he is a sweet caring "almost 9" yr old.

Aidan's name means "little fire" and that he sometimes can be. lol. and his middle name Hans, he took after the passing of his Grandpa Kohl in "99.

I could not imagine a better child than Aidan to be my first baby, he made me a mommy.
                                     I LOVE YOU AIDAN TO THE MOON AND BACK
                                                 WITH LOVE FROM MOMMY.

Waiting has never been an easy thing to do!

Today my dad is having surgery to have a feeding tube put in place, because during and after cancer treatment his saliva glands will no longer work, so it will be there to help when he can not eat.
In August he had surgery to remove his tonsils, and while under anesthetic his heart rate dropped really low. so as I wait to hear how he made out, I wait, its never been something I'm very good at but I will try my best to wait till I hear something.
Once again I feel so guilty that I am not where i should be, I mean I know I am to be here looking after my kids and all but I also feel I should be there, I wish I could come to a place in my mind where I know I am in the right place when I need to be.
I know, Why does she not go there to be with them right? I would, but is hard to do when I know I have to be here, and then when I'm there wish i could be here with my kids. UGH the war in my head, some days is hard to deal with.
well until I hear any news, I'll wait. as my dad use to say to me "hold your horses". so I will dad just for you.

UPDATE: just got the news that my dad though in a bit of pain is just fine, they used a local anesthetic and did not react like last time, I hope and pray that everyone in my sister Lena's house (where mom and dad are staying) has a some what restful night that is not to painful.

wishing time could stop.

Wow this week has flown by fast, it seems time is just getting faster these days, even though there is still 24hrs in a day, 7days a week and 365 days a year, why does time fly by? maybe because we let it, maybe because we don't stop to take time to enjoy what today is, so why don't we just take a break and enjoy life for what it is today? what ever we do could wait till later right? its impossible to stop time but not impossible to take a break from it.
These days I try to prepare myself for what the future will hold and I hate doing that because I don't want to, but I do know it must be done.
When my sister Lena and I were with my mom at the hospital and received the heart breaking news from the doctor that our mom was at the end stages of lung cancer, I cried and looked at mom and she just held my hand and said if any thing good could possibly come from this at least we get to say good-bye.
Not everyone who has lost a loved one gets that chance to say good-bye, we did not get that good-bye when my brother died, it was fast it was unexpected, I'm not sure which one is easier.
But today I'll still do what I have to do but I'm taking a break, to enjoy today for what today is, to enjoy yet another phone call with my mom, to enjoy my kids while they are young and still growing up because tomorrow they will be another day bigger and older even if they are 8,5 and 3yrs old.
I'm having a great day and I hope you are too. :-)

The rewards of a stay-at-home mom!

Being a stay-at-home mom offers alot of rewarding benefits as a job mom.
When it came time for me to take the role of staying home to take care of the kids after we ended our farm/ranch operation alot of things ran though my mind, like feeling guilty that my husband was the one to work out of the home and jealous that he was the one who got to be the bread winner of the house. I know kinda weired right? but when it came to it, it really was the best decision for our family. 1. I don't have more than a high school education, 2. Eric has the ticket in sheet metal to gain a job that would sustain our family on one income, 3. we just live to far away from any kind of work i would be able to get so the money i would make would pay for gas and childcare. really what was the point in that.
It was not till I had my youngest I realized that I would enjoy being at home caring for my kids, in my mind no one really could for long periods of time with out completely loosing their minds care for my kids but me.
I am so grateful to my husband who is completely 100% agrees and is willing to let me stay home to tend to the role of a stay-at-home mom.
I love my Job role as mom, the pay if you think of it is great if you get paid by hugs kisses and the unconditional love my children offer me everyday. no i really don't get time off because when i really have the chance to get away with out my kid they are all i think about all the time.
So would i ever want to be in someone else's shoes? the answer is no way I LOVE being a mom to my kids I would not change a thing about that at all, they are the 3 kids i wanted exactly.
Anyway my coffee break is over and the washing machine is beeping at me to change it over, a pot on the stove with left over turkey to make stew for the freezer, and last but not least lunch time for my 3yr old who is waiting on me.
I hope everyone has a great day. I know I am.

Home is where your heart is.

It does not matter where you are for Thanks-Giving as long as your with your family its right where you need to be.
Last year for thanks giving I spent it at my parents house with my sister Lena and her little family of 3, My husband was working far away from home and I was kinda bummed out that he had to miss it.
last year the thought of another thanks giving was promised for next time but that promise is not as clear this time, we can only hope and pray that we would all be here for the next thanks giving holiday.
Today we did the normal and traditional Turkey and Ham thanks-giving supper, between Lena Mom and myself with a few hands that slipped in here and there, we pulled off an amazing dinner, as we sat down to have supper my super cute niece Chelsey sang a beautiful thanks-giving song and then we all dug in, i looked up and was humbled and asked everyone when was the last time we were all at the thanks giving dinner table together? no one really could remember when, it must have been a long time, and was time for us to gather.
some of us have issues that we were able to put aside and focus on what mattered "FAMILY". it was nice to do so and enjoy.
tomorrow my family of 5 make our 4hr way back home, tomorrow today will be a memory, we will look back and remind each other about our thanks-giving holiday in 2010.

why did I start blogging?

Hmm, a question I'm sure some people like to understand that know me.
well some time back when my youngest was born and was in the NICU i was told by our bedside nurse that starting a carepage to keep family and friends updated was a good way to let everyone know what was going on with the progress of our sick child at the time, but I told her that it was fine and we had it where we really only had to phone a couple people and poof everyone that needed to know knew with in a matter of an hour or so.
but as a couple of years went by I was kinda kicking myself in the butt for not, it would have been a way for not only keeping everyone informed about our sick child but a way to document our early lives with young kids to some day look back and show our kids what life was like when they were younger. who knows maybe a way to refresh my mind after i loose it raising these kids. lol just joking.
So I started a blog to have a way to document and be able to cope with life's crazy days. a blog for my kids to have when they are adults to read and reflect back on their childhood, maybe I'll make it into a book for each of them and give it to them when they marry a significant other on their wedding day.
well anyway I think i'm rambling on and on and know you know why I chose to blog, I hope you enjoy it.

Happy Thanks-Giving! Giving Thanks.

So as the Thanks-Giving weekend is coming up I can't help but be thankful for all the wonderful people in my life.
My little family of 5 is planning on spending with my side of the family, the original plan was to spend it with my husbands family but being my mother-in-law understands that this might be the last time my family gets to be together for Thanksgiving.
I like always look forward to family get togethers and can't remember a time when i did not, even the time we had hot dogs instead of the normal turkey and fixings. lol
I can only hope that when my kids grow into adults they too will enjoy their family time as much as I do.
Which brings me to something I was thinking about last night, children learn what they are shown in life, it as a mother have come to realized if you teach your child the values which you feel are important to you then you succeed as a mother, I know i was raised to know the values of life and for that I am grateful to my whole family, with out them i would not be who I am today.
My mom and dad were not the only people who played a huge role in my life, my sister Lena was and still is always there, we have grown together even though we are 7 years apart, we started being mommies around the same time and i found it almost out of place when i had went to her for so much advice growing up that when I had my son she came to me for advice because i had 6 months of raising a baby before she did, but i enjoyed it *wink*.
We live 4 hr drive apart and even if we have to talk on the phone everyday seems like we never ever have nothing to talk about, how does that happen that we could be so close even if growing up 7 years apart? I do have 2 other sisters and I don't have the same relationship as Lena and I do. don't get me wrong I love them because i was shown to never turn your back on your family but the closeness i share with them is not as deep as it is with Lena.
So I am giving thanks for the closeness my family shares and how we are always there for each other.
                                     HAPPY THANKS GIVING EVERYONE!
may your soul be happy, and my your belly be full.

My mom taught me everything i know, How do i live life without her there?

So this is a question that has always been in the back of my head since i have been a teenager and now at age 30 and knowing that some time in the near future she won't be here, she won't be the person i call 12 times a day just because i miss her. and i am dreading the day i can't call and say "i love you mom" i will just be talking to her from my heart and hope she is there listening to me.
I talked to her yesterday and she said she did not have any regrets in life and that she was not scared to die, these words from her mouth were hard to hear because i am not ready to loose her, she is my mom, my best friend, the one person on this earth who truly knows who i am.
how does life go on with such heart break? you find it in your heart to go on, its hard to do, we all did it when my brother died, but mom won't be there to see us though it. instead she will be in our hearts guiding us though as she does now, just in a different way.
So for now i hold today just like i did yesterday and everyday before and say "i love you" to her and hear her say it back. because NO ONE WILL LOVE ME LIKE SHE DOES.

its life!

I have learned in the past that life at times does hand us more than we think we can handle, like he first time i held my baby boy in my arms, the thought of "are we really ready for this?"and as time went on it was perfect, after 8months my brother at the age of 20yrs died, a peice of me went with him that day and he will always be missed,  we then got married (yes we married after we had our first baby), then 1yr after that we had our second child a little prefect princess, we were what we thought complete 1 boy, 1 girl and we are all healthy and happy. then life thought we needed to be shookin up and decided we needed just 1 more baby, and when our 2nd child was 2 1/2 we had another baby that almost died due to a placental abruption, (but thats a different post in its self), after our 3rd baby my mom had cervical cancer, and though we were all scared, she went into remmission after 6 weeks of cancer treatments, then just this year in septemeber we got the news that my dad has stage4 cancer in his neck and just to top things off my mom also has stage 4 cancer in her lungs, and is terminal. some days i want to throw my arms up and say I GIVE UP, but thats not how i want my kids to do things in life, so for now we take one day at a time and "hang on when your heart has had enough".