Introducing Aidan Hans!

Aidan Hans Kohl made me a mommy for the first time, when he came into this world I was not sure I was able to fill the role of a mommy, he made it so easy to do, he was such a laid back baby and only cried when he wanted to be fed or changed other than that he was such a low maintenance baby.

Eric and I woke up the morning of Dec,3rd to a snow blizzard and made the plan of the day of feeding the cattle herd and take it easy for the rest of the day, so by lunch time we finished up and and went home for lunch, Eric talked me into a afternoon nap, after laying down for 10min or so i felt a slight pop inside my belly, i did not say anything to Eric and went to the bathroom, after reality hit me that my water had broke i went back to the bedroom and told Eric, i never seen that man move so fast, phoned the hospital and told them we were on our way, going to the hospital on good roads with out a blizzard took us about 45min from our door to the hospital door. our drive that day took us almost 2hrs.

After a long painful 30hr back labor, Aidan came into this world on December,4,2001 at 5:57pm and was 9lbs 10oz. and 21inches long.

He was supposed to be here on November,19Th,2001, which earned him the "late baby" title. but i would not change a thing about it. he is still to this day laid back and wants to be everyone's friend. he is a sweet caring "almost 9" yr old.

Aidan's name means "little fire" and that he sometimes can be. lol. and his middle name Hans, he took after the passing of his Grandpa Kohl in "99.

I could not imagine a better child than Aidan to be my first baby, he made me a mommy.
                                     I LOVE YOU AIDAN TO THE MOON AND BACK
                                                 WITH LOVE FROM MOMMY.

Waiting has never been an easy thing to do!

Today my dad is having surgery to have a feeding tube put in place, because during and after cancer treatment his saliva glands will no longer work, so it will be there to help when he can not eat.
In August he had surgery to remove his tonsils, and while under anesthetic his heart rate dropped really low. so as I wait to hear how he made out, I wait, its never been something I'm very good at but I will try my best to wait till I hear something.
Once again I feel so guilty that I am not where i should be, I mean I know I am to be here looking after my kids and all but I also feel I should be there, I wish I could come to a place in my mind where I know I am in the right place when I need to be.
I know, Why does she not go there to be with them right? I would, but is hard to do when I know I have to be here, and then when I'm there wish i could be here with my kids. UGH the war in my head, some days is hard to deal with.
well until I hear any news, I'll wait. as my dad use to say to me "hold your horses". so I will dad just for you.

UPDATE: just got the news that my dad though in a bit of pain is just fine, they used a local anesthetic and did not react like last time, I hope and pray that everyone in my sister Lena's house (where mom and dad are staying) has a some what restful night that is not to painful.

wishing time could stop.

Wow this week has flown by fast, it seems time is just getting faster these days, even though there is still 24hrs in a day, 7days a week and 365 days a year, why does time fly by? maybe because we let it, maybe because we don't stop to take time to enjoy what today is, so why don't we just take a break and enjoy life for what it is today? what ever we do could wait till later right? its impossible to stop time but not impossible to take a break from it.
These days I try to prepare myself for what the future will hold and I hate doing that because I don't want to, but I do know it must be done.
When my sister Lena and I were with my mom at the hospital and received the heart breaking news from the doctor that our mom was at the end stages of lung cancer, I cried and looked at mom and she just held my hand and said if any thing good could possibly come from this at least we get to say good-bye.
Not everyone who has lost a loved one gets that chance to say good-bye, we did not get that good-bye when my brother died, it was fast it was unexpected, I'm not sure which one is easier.
But today I'll still do what I have to do but I'm taking a break, to enjoy today for what today is, to enjoy yet another phone call with my mom, to enjoy my kids while they are young and still growing up because tomorrow they will be another day bigger and older even if they are 8,5 and 3yrs old.
I'm having a great day and I hope you are too. :-)

The rewards of a stay-at-home mom!

Being a stay-at-home mom offers alot of rewarding benefits as a job mom.
When it came time for me to take the role of staying home to take care of the kids after we ended our farm/ranch operation alot of things ran though my mind, like feeling guilty that my husband was the one to work out of the home and jealous that he was the one who got to be the bread winner of the house. I know kinda weired right? but when it came to it, it really was the best decision for our family. 1. I don't have more than a high school education, 2. Eric has the ticket in sheet metal to gain a job that would sustain our family on one income, 3. we just live to far away from any kind of work i would be able to get so the money i would make would pay for gas and childcare. really what was the point in that.
It was not till I had my youngest I realized that I would enjoy being at home caring for my kids, in my mind no one really could for long periods of time with out completely loosing their minds care for my kids but me.
I am so grateful to my husband who is completely 100% agrees and is willing to let me stay home to tend to the role of a stay-at-home mom.
I love my Job role as mom, the pay if you think of it is great if you get paid by hugs kisses and the unconditional love my children offer me everyday. no i really don't get time off because when i really have the chance to get away with out my kid they are all i think about all the time.
So would i ever want to be in someone else's shoes? the answer is no way I LOVE being a mom to my kids I would not change a thing about that at all, they are the 3 kids i wanted exactly.
Anyway my coffee break is over and the washing machine is beeping at me to change it over, a pot on the stove with left over turkey to make stew for the freezer, and last but not least lunch time for my 3yr old who is waiting on me.
I hope everyone has a great day. I know I am.

Home is where your heart is.

It does not matter where you are for Thanks-Giving as long as your with your family its right where you need to be.
Last year for thanks giving I spent it at my parents house with my sister Lena and her little family of 3, My husband was working far away from home and I was kinda bummed out that he had to miss it.
last year the thought of another thanks giving was promised for next time but that promise is not as clear this time, we can only hope and pray that we would all be here for the next thanks giving holiday.
Today we did the normal and traditional Turkey and Ham thanks-giving supper, between Lena Mom and myself with a few hands that slipped in here and there, we pulled off an amazing dinner, as we sat down to have supper my super cute niece Chelsey sang a beautiful thanks-giving song and then we all dug in, i looked up and was humbled and asked everyone when was the last time we were all at the thanks giving dinner table together? no one really could remember when, it must have been a long time, and was time for us to gather.
some of us have issues that we were able to put aside and focus on what mattered "FAMILY". it was nice to do so and enjoy.
tomorrow my family of 5 make our 4hr way back home, tomorrow today will be a memory, we will look back and remind each other about our thanks-giving holiday in 2010.

why did I start blogging?

Hmm, a question I'm sure some people like to understand that know me.
well some time back when my youngest was born and was in the NICU i was told by our bedside nurse that starting a carepage to keep family and friends updated was a good way to let everyone know what was going on with the progress of our sick child at the time, but I told her that it was fine and we had it where we really only had to phone a couple people and poof everyone that needed to know knew with in a matter of an hour or so.
but as a couple of years went by I was kinda kicking myself in the butt for not, it would have been a way for not only keeping everyone informed about our sick child but a way to document our early lives with young kids to some day look back and show our kids what life was like when they were younger. who knows maybe a way to refresh my mind after i loose it raising these kids. lol just joking.
So I started a blog to have a way to document and be able to cope with life's crazy days. a blog for my kids to have when they are adults to read and reflect back on their childhood, maybe I'll make it into a book for each of them and give it to them when they marry a significant other on their wedding day.
well anyway I think i'm rambling on and on and know you know why I chose to blog, I hope you enjoy it.

Happy Thanks-Giving! Giving Thanks.

So as the Thanks-Giving weekend is coming up I can't help but be thankful for all the wonderful people in my life.
My little family of 5 is planning on spending with my side of the family, the original plan was to spend it with my husbands family but being my mother-in-law understands that this might be the last time my family gets to be together for Thanksgiving.
I like always look forward to family get togethers and can't remember a time when i did not, even the time we had hot dogs instead of the normal turkey and fixings. lol
I can only hope that when my kids grow into adults they too will enjoy their family time as much as I do.
Which brings me to something I was thinking about last night, children learn what they are shown in life, it as a mother have come to realized if you teach your child the values which you feel are important to you then you succeed as a mother, I know i was raised to know the values of life and for that I am grateful to my whole family, with out them i would not be who I am today.
My mom and dad were not the only people who played a huge role in my life, my sister Lena was and still is always there, we have grown together even though we are 7 years apart, we started being mommies around the same time and i found it almost out of place when i had went to her for so much advice growing up that when I had my son she came to me for advice because i had 6 months of raising a baby before she did, but i enjoyed it *wink*.
We live 4 hr drive apart and even if we have to talk on the phone everyday seems like we never ever have nothing to talk about, how does that happen that we could be so close even if growing up 7 years apart? I do have 2 other sisters and I don't have the same relationship as Lena and I do. don't get me wrong I love them because i was shown to never turn your back on your family but the closeness i share with them is not as deep as it is with Lena.
So I am giving thanks for the closeness my family shares and how we are always there for each other.
                                     HAPPY THANKS GIVING EVERYONE!
may your soul be happy, and my your belly be full.

My mom taught me everything i know, How do i live life without her there?

So this is a question that has always been in the back of my head since i have been a teenager and now at age 30 and knowing that some time in the near future she won't be here, she won't be the person i call 12 times a day just because i miss her. and i am dreading the day i can't call and say "i love you mom" i will just be talking to her from my heart and hope she is there listening to me.
I talked to her yesterday and she said she did not have any regrets in life and that she was not scared to die, these words from her mouth were hard to hear because i am not ready to loose her, she is my mom, my best friend, the one person on this earth who truly knows who i am.
how does life go on with such heart break? you find it in your heart to go on, its hard to do, we all did it when my brother died, but mom won't be there to see us though it. instead she will be in our hearts guiding us though as she does now, just in a different way.
So for now i hold today just like i did yesterday and everyday before and say "i love you" to her and hear her say it back. because NO ONE WILL LOVE ME LIKE SHE DOES.

its life!

I have learned in the past that life at times does hand us more than we think we can handle, like he first time i held my baby boy in my arms, the thought of "are we really ready for this?"and as time went on it was perfect, after 8months my brother at the age of 20yrs died, a peice of me went with him that day and he will always be missed,  we then got married (yes we married after we had our first baby), then 1yr after that we had our second child a little prefect princess, we were what we thought complete 1 boy, 1 girl and we are all healthy and happy. then life thought we needed to be shookin up and decided we needed just 1 more baby, and when our 2nd child was 2 1/2 we had another baby that almost died due to a placental abruption, (but thats a different post in its self), after our 3rd baby my mom had cervical cancer, and though we were all scared, she went into remmission after 6 weeks of cancer treatments, then just this year in septemeber we got the news that my dad has stage4 cancer in his neck and just to top things off my mom also has stage 4 cancer in her lungs, and is terminal. some days i want to throw my arms up and say I GIVE UP, but thats not how i want my kids to do things in life, so for now we take one day at a time and "hang on when your heart has had enough".