Not Where I Thought I Would Be.

So here I am 33 years old, both parents dead, distant relationships with my 3 older sisters when we used to be close, still 200+lbs, a crumbling marriage, and I feel like this is it, this is what my life comes to. If it were not for my kids I'm sure I would have taken my own life a long time ago, my kids give me a reason to keep going everyday, I struggle daily with how this life has dished out, and I know I'm the one who has to change in order for others to change. So here it is today just 4 days left of 2013, and I am setting a plan for 2014 to be the year to change it all, that might include some not so nice changes and some positive changes, but none the less change MUST happen. So good bye 2013 you can Fuck off now, I'm ready to breathe again.

MY 2013

Wow where to begin, I last made a blog post back in January, and let me tell you so much has happened, last January I talked about how I accepted god in my heart and was finding me through my walk in faith, I'm sure glad I did because it was the main reason I am able to tell you this today. January was uneventful, so was February other than moms 2 year angelversary, March came and went too then April. April began a very long emotional month, we became very concerned about my dads health, because he battled cancer back in 2010 at the same time as my mom he still suffered some ill effects from it the biggest being he could not eat without choking, so in return he had lost so much weight. We took him to the hospital where they ran test after test, and we were all worried the cancer had come back, and we were put at ease when all the tests came back with no cancer,we were told it was a rare complication from the cancer treatments called radiation fibrosis that was slowly choking him to death because it was in his neck, May came and so did a huge roller coaster, while dad was in the hospital he started showing odd symptoms like seeing things/people that were not there, and talking nonsense that we did not understand, he had oxygen issues, blood pressure problems and he required a feeding tube because he could not swallow anything without it going into his lungs. My sister and I were woken up one morning from a phone call from the doctors telling us he had went into cardiac arrest and was on life support in icu, we thought we were loosing him and were told to say our good byes, but he recovered and left icu, he returned to icu just a day later again in cardiac arrest, and so began in and out of icu, by the end of May beginning of June it was clear that he was not going to recover, he was moved to a hospice care facility where we watched him for the next month age so fast, until he passed away on July 26th 2013. He was 65 yrs old. It's been a long 5 months since he's been gone, I miss him terribly, I miss them both so much and feel like life has been so unfair the last 3 +years, I could really use a break, I'm ready for a new year. Here's to trying to keep this blog updated thank you for stopping in, I promise I will be back.

My Day Today.

So I was not sure what to blog about today, it was a toss up between 2 topics, both important, and as a dear friend said "you should go with what you heart tells you", and shes right, this blog is my heart in writing for all to see, so even though the 2 topics are important, one of them is laying here at the tips of my fingers waiting to be put out there.

Here's my day so far:

My alarm goes off at 6am, one hour before I get the kids up and moving for school, one hour for me to sit and just be with my morning coffee and reflect my dreams from the night before (I'm a vivid dreamer, and need to process them out).
7am its time to wake all 3 kids for school, my Rhiannon goes to kindergarten every other school day for a full day,
They get dressed, I make them breakfast, make their lunches, pack the back packs, help the girls brush their teeth and hair, they do their morning chores and then get their snowsuits on as the bus comes rolling in the yard I  say "I love you, have a great day" and then they leave.............
I closed the door, turn around, and as sip my second cup of coffee I realize how cold and lonely this house feels when everyone is gone, I miss them all so much when they are not  here,
My days are filled with cleaning, cooking, laundry, and anything else that needs doing.

The first day all 3 kids went to school in September, I had such a hard time with it, it was the first time I didn't have any kids with me, I felt they didn't need me anymore, I felt that I didn't have purpose here at home anymore, then I reflected back to when mom would call me on the first day of the kids school year (Aidan and Edina)  just to see how I was holding up, she never lived long enough to talk me through Rhiannon's first day.
When  Edina started kindergarten mom told me that it was harder to let the youngest go because then your on your own, no kids with you,
some people would love that, but for me? no way, I miss my kids deeply when they are gone, so I imagined what mom would have said to me, and I use the time when they are gone to get the tings done that I may not get the chance to do sanely while they are with me, like grocery shopping, it seems to go oddly fast when its just me.

So here I am,

all alone,

and looking forward to hugging my babies again at 4pm.

I'm not the same.

So in the process of my grief of loosing my mom and healing,  have come out of it a changed me, I have not been one to talk about this and to be honest I never wanted Jesus in my heart, I felt that if he as willing to allow good people to suffer from awful things like cancer, or grief that he was not worth my effort.
But something happened, one day I woke up and felt I needed to have Jesus in my heart that he would be able to take the hurt out of my heart and teach me to accept myself and others, he didn't take my brother or my mom to punish me, he needed them in heaven more than we needed them here,I have always believed they are watching over us, but felt so hurt that they were not here, I wanted more time with them and felt that with Jesus in my heart I was better able to allow myself to feel closer, I know one day I will be with them again.
I was really unsure how to write this post, and I know some people will not agree with me, quite frankly I really don't care, I am doing this for me, not for ANYONE else.
So in my life change, I needed to change the fact that I can not continue to push people in my family away, I am in the process of healing the torn relationship between my sister Eleanor and I, we drifted apart after mom died, and we have not talked in 17 months, a family that talked all the time was drifting apart as time went on, the one thing mom did not want.
Also my husband and I are also healing the relationship between his brother, his wife and us, a family farm that fell apart also made us blame each other for it happening and ripped trust out of us for each other.
You see these are all people in our family and we allow bad things like the devil take and manipulate us in our thinkings and actions, and its up to us to keep the bad out and keep the good in and everything else will follow.
This is me, this is my heart is healing a little at a time.

I'm still alive!

Wow it's been quite some time since my last blog post, almost 9 months to be exact.
and really i am not sure where to start, so I will probably enter in a few posts to update my blog over the next while.
When I started this blog back in the fall of 2010 my mom was able to read it and wanted me to keep it going even after she passed away, she said it seemed like a way of healing me and using this blog to move forward in my life.
 so here I am.
I'm still alive.
 so let me fill you in.