the answer when you have kids is easy, NEVER.
There are days like yesterday when i want nothing more than to call it quits, I hate the days when the grief of losing mom just consumes me, I looked at pictures of her, and cried A LOT my eyes hurt, my head hurt, and my body ached. I did get dressed, I did feed and care for my kids, but that's about it.
You can assume what you want, I don't care really.
As much as days like yesterday makes me want to give up, the reality is I CAN'T, and I WON'T. I love my kids and husband to much to do that.
This weekend we are heading to dads to help out with a few odd and end jobs that he needs help with that he is not able to do himself do to his surgery recovery.
I am looking forward to going, not just because i love dad and would go to the end of the earth for him, I like to be around moms "things" just standing in her what was once her sewing room, looking not touching the things she placed in that room, how she had her spools of tread on a rack, how she hung the picture in the house, how she took time to do the smallest things, that made the biggest difference. I am dreading the day when dad is ready to go though her clothes, and sewing room. It will be hard to do, I don't think that day will come for a long time.
Last night i was drifting into sleeping and i swear i thought i heard her voice, it just said "just talk, I'm here." This morning i laid in bed a bit before i got up, just thinking about that, it tells me that no matter how hard the days are i can just talk, she will hear me, i might not beable to hear her (some times) but she is here watching over us, She told us the day before she died that she would always be.
So thats all for today, a blog post that was kinda all over the place, but it speaks my heart.
Friday, May 27, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
A huge milestone!
Today was a day of mixed emotions, from worried and scared to happy and relief and anything that falls in the middle.
Dad had his surgery today and as scared as he was, he was a trooper though it all. This surgery is one step closer to him getting better.
It was hard to see him missing mom so much but as hard as it is I do understand, she was the one who took care of him, and now us 3 sisters take the role of trying to fill moms role and care for him.
Dad, Lena, Shelda and I went to the hospital at about 6:30am, and about 10am he was taken back for the surgery.
We were told about 1hr 20min for the surgery, and 4hrs later he was done. so us girls were basket cases asking the nurse on the unit if he was done yet. lol
After he was in his room, we seen a very sleepy dad, and a huge relief on his face that he was done. we got him a sandwich and coffee, talked for a bit and then we let him rest as we went out for supper with Fran, moms best friend.
Fran is such a support and even though mom is gone she still cares, she reminds me of mom, its no wonder why theywere are best friends.
So all in all it was a good day, a stressful day but good.
That's all from me today, I'm tired, and Shelda and I are gonna try and make the drive home tomorrow some time.
Dad had his surgery today and as scared as he was, he was a trooper though it all. This surgery is one step closer to him getting better.
It was hard to see him missing mom so much but as hard as it is I do understand, she was the one who took care of him, and now us 3 sisters take the role of trying to fill moms role and care for him.
Dad, Lena, Shelda and I went to the hospital at about 6:30am, and about 10am he was taken back for the surgery.
We were told about 1hr 20min for the surgery, and 4hrs later he was done. so us girls were basket cases asking the nurse on the unit if he was done yet. lol
After he was in his room, we seen a very sleepy dad, and a huge relief on his face that he was done. we got him a sandwich and coffee, talked for a bit and then we let him rest as we went out for supper with Fran, moms best friend.
Fran is such a support and even though mom is gone she still cares, she reminds me of mom, its no wonder why they
So all in all it was a good day, a stressful day but good.
That's all from me today, I'm tired, and Shelda and I are gonna try and make the drive home tomorrow some time.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Rascal Flatts-I Won't Let Go Lyrics
To: Dad, Lena, and Shelda. I love you guys, Together we can stand strong and when you need to break down, I'm here to hold you up.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Time heals all wounds.
We've all heard the phrase, Time heals all wounds.
That may be true, but as with most wounds, a scar is what is left behind, and the memory of what caused that wound does not go away. Just as it changes the look of something on the surface, it's a deep scar that forever changes who we are on the inside as well. With time a wound heals, and over that period of time as the scab turns to scar, the scar goes through a time of transformation as well. Scars start off with a purplish red coloration, and over time the color will begin to fade gradually over years to the color of our flesh.
Much like a real wound, a wounded heart heals the same. It takes time. Over time, it doesn't hurt as much as it did in the beginning, and as it starts the healing process we feel the unpleasant tug and reminder of the hurt that caused the pain. It gradually fades, but always leaves a reminder, a mark. A mark that will permanently remain and forever changes the way we look at life is what is left. It's our story. We all have one. We all have broken, scarred hearts and are aching to be healed.
We have to be broken to be able to be healed...but, is this what any of want, or ask for?
The answer is a resounding, NO.
I find though, it's a necessary part of life. We can't walk in this world and expect to be spared of heartache, and hardship. It will either grow us or destroy us. We can use our hurts to help others or allow it to hurt ourselves. No matter the circumstance, and no matter the depth of the hurt, we walk out of it changed. Hopefully at some point for the better, but I know it doesn't always turn out that way for everyone. I am finding in my hurt, as I heal that this sort of ache is deep, and the longing doesn't go away....the scar left a mark, one that will likely keep my heart aching for a time longer than I could have imagined.
We can't make our scars go away, but at some point they will start to fade, becoming less recognizable over time. The scar is permanent, and it's a reminder of where we have been, and how we have made it through. We all have our wounds that have turned to scars, and over time they do heal, and fade.
As our wound is turning to a scar, we are still learning all we can about grief and how it affects each of us differently, at different times. The scar is still very visible right now...but going from the deep wound to a scar is progress.
That may be true, but as with most wounds, a scar is what is left behind, and the memory of what caused that wound does not go away. Just as it changes the look of something on the surface, it's a deep scar that forever changes who we are on the inside as well. With time a wound heals, and over that period of time as the scab turns to scar, the scar goes through a time of transformation as well. Scars start off with a purplish red coloration, and over time the color will begin to fade gradually over years to the color of our flesh.
Much like a real wound, a wounded heart heals the same. It takes time. Over time, it doesn't hurt as much as it did in the beginning, and as it starts the healing process we feel the unpleasant tug and reminder of the hurt that caused the pain. It gradually fades, but always leaves a reminder, a mark. A mark that will permanently remain and forever changes the way we look at life is what is left. It's our story. We all have one. We all have broken, scarred hearts and are aching to be healed.
We have to be broken to be able to be healed...but, is this what any of want, or ask for?
The answer is a resounding, NO.
I find though, it's a necessary part of life. We can't walk in this world and expect to be spared of heartache, and hardship. It will either grow us or destroy us. We can use our hurts to help others or allow it to hurt ourselves. No matter the circumstance, and no matter the depth of the hurt, we walk out of it changed. Hopefully at some point for the better, but I know it doesn't always turn out that way for everyone. I am finding in my hurt, as I heal that this sort of ache is deep, and the longing doesn't go away....the scar left a mark, one that will likely keep my heart aching for a time longer than I could have imagined.
We can't make our scars go away, but at some point they will start to fade, becoming less recognizable over time. The scar is permanent, and it's a reminder of where we have been, and how we have made it through. We all have our wounds that have turned to scars, and over time they do heal, and fade.
As our wound is turning to a scar, we are still learning all we can about grief and how it affects each of us differently, at different times. The scar is still very visible right now...but going from the deep wound to a scar is progress.
Monday, May 9, 2011
I survived my first Mothers day without mom.
I dreaded Mothers day for a while, knowing that i don't get to wish mom a happy mother's day.
So here is how i survived it.
On Saturday we didsome a lot of yard work, and as the day turned into night and the kids went to bed, and 9:30pm Eric went off to bed, i stayed up, and cleaned the house, i cried as i washed the floors, and about 12:30am i went to bed too
I layed there a while talking myself into not being upset in the morning, the kids were looking forward to giving me their home/school made cards and gifts, even Rhiannon who had help from the other two.
I awoke in the morning to swollen eyes, the kids were still sleeping, and i took the quite time to have a coffee and watch some Reno show on T.V.
I cooked our normal Sunday brunch (pancakes, eggs, sausage or bacon, fruit, and yogurt). After that is when the kids gave me their creations they made, i have always love those home made with love kinda gifts from my kids and have kept all of them so far, after they are displayed for a week or two, i date and name them and tuck them away with all the others they have made me, as i tuck them away, i marvel at the other gifts from them from years past. I know some day when we are empty nesters i will be sobbing over them.
Soon after we finished up with the gift giving, i asked the kids if they wanted to see me give my Mothers day card to my mom? We went outside and i was carrying a pink balloon with a mothers day message i wrote on it, and as i said "Happy mothers day mom" i let the balloon go, we watched it until it disappeared into the clouds.
It was my way of lessening the heartache i had, It felt good.
I just wish she was here, and not in heaven.
After all that we again worked in the yard, and i became angry, i yelled and asked for time alone i the yard, i cried as i worked, and as some time went on i felt better.
By 8pm the kids went to bed, and Eric and I finished up the day with watching "little fockers" while i folded laundry. I needed something to laugh at, i have cried enough the pat 2 days, i feel like i have forgot how to laugh, but after that movie it was back.
This is a busy week, I got to get as much stuff done between today and Thursday, because on Friday we are off to a Mutual Propane (the company mom worked for, and dad still currently works for) banquet, they hold these yearly and this year is supposed to be a tribute to mom. can't wait i love hearing how she touched so many people.
And next week i am going to be in Edmonton as dad has surgery, it will be stressful, and i am confident he will pull though it. i will post how it all goes.
That's all for now, until next time. have a great day.
So here is how i survived it.
On Saturday we did
I layed there a while talking myself into not being upset in the morning, the kids were looking forward to giving me their home/school made cards and gifts, even Rhiannon who had help from the other two.
I awoke in the morning to swollen eyes, the kids were still sleeping, and i took the quite time to have a coffee and watch some Reno show on T.V.
I cooked our normal Sunday brunch (pancakes, eggs, sausage or bacon, fruit, and yogurt). After that is when the kids gave me their creations they made, i have always love those home made with love kinda gifts from my kids and have kept all of them so far, after they are displayed for a week or two, i date and name them and tuck them away with all the others they have made me, as i tuck them away, i marvel at the other gifts from them from years past. I know some day when we are empty nesters i will be sobbing over them.
Soon after we finished up with the gift giving, i asked the kids if they wanted to see me give my Mothers day card to my mom? We went outside and i was carrying a pink balloon with a mothers day message i wrote on it, and as i said "Happy mothers day mom" i let the balloon go, we watched it until it disappeared into the clouds.
It was my way of lessening the heartache i had, It felt good.
I just wish she was here, and not in heaven.
After all that we again worked in the yard, and i became angry, i yelled and asked for time alone i the yard, i cried as i worked, and as some time went on i felt better.
By 8pm the kids went to bed, and Eric and I finished up the day with watching "little fockers" while i folded laundry. I needed something to laugh at, i have cried enough the pat 2 days, i feel like i have forgot how to laugh, but after that movie it was back.
This is a busy week, I got to get as much stuff done between today and Thursday, because on Friday we are off to a Mutual Propane (the company mom worked for, and dad still currently works for) banquet, they hold these yearly and this year is supposed to be a tribute to mom. can't wait i love hearing how she touched so many people.
And next week i am going to be in Edmonton as dad has surgery, it will be stressful, and i am confident he will pull though it. i will post how it all goes.
That's all for now, until next time. have a great day.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Trying to hide my tears!
If your sick of hearing my pity party heartache, please don't read.
So Mothers day is comming up on Sunday, and of all the holidays of the year this feels like the worst one to face. I know all the first year is hard. but facing a mothers day with no mom feels wrong, There is lots of people who do this every year. and it isnt easy at all.
I won't get to wish mom a happy mothers day or tell hr how much i love her for all she has done for me as a mom. I HATE THIS, i just want this to be a nightmare, and wake up.
and here i am gonna be selfish for a moment. I WANT MY MOM, WHY HER?, WHY CANCER?.
All theses questions and i know they will never be answered.
So I am going to write a letter to mom on here, so here we go.
Dear Mom.
Its been 70 days today without you, I miss you so much, people say it gets easier with time, and I am trying to get though these passed 70 days with a fake smile so people think i am OK, but I'm not.
Mom my heart hurts everyday, Some days are harder than others, and they days that are harder than others, i feel like a bad mother myself, I don't do anything, i do make sure the kids are taken care of, but that's about it, I spend a lot of time crying/laying around.
I know if you were here you would kick my ass for not doing anything, and i am sorry that i am wallowing in grief.
I don't know how to make it though Mothers day without you, but i will try and put on a smile for my kids for that day, after all they do still have their mom.
I don't know how you did it when you lost grandma (your mom). you seemed to also put on the fake smile and chug though your heartache for us kids. I wish i could do that, but i know i will never be as strong as you were.
you were/are such an amazing woman, and i thank you for being my mom, you showed me so much in life, i will forever carry that with me.
When you told me about 2 weeks before you passed away that you feel like you had been waiting 20 yrs for the phone to ring from grandma, i did not quite grasp what you were telling me, but i can say now i sure do know now.
I miss our daily phone calls, especially the ones first thing in the morning, when we would talk over a cup of coffee, these are the memories i will hold forever.
We were in Walmart last weekend and as we were walking by the yarn, Aidan asks me if i knew how to knit a sweater? i said no, it was one of the only things i did not learn, and now of course i wish i did. and like you learned from books and patterns i will too. Aidan was squeezing his foot into the last pair on knitted socks you made him, so i know what the first thing to try is going to be a new pair of knitted socks, he is growing and he loves those socks and sweaters. mine will never be as good as yours but i will try
My garden is going to be put in, in the next month or so, and i am thinking back to when i used to plan out what i would plant, and you always made sure i remembered the zucchini, and as fall approached on us, we soon realized we forgot to plant beets, a staple in most gardens and we would forget them, but don't worry mom I GOT THE BEET SEEDS to plant.
I hope you are having fun with Byron.
And as we all go on with our lives down here on earth, i hope that you watch over us, and watch you grand babies grow.
I love you mom, i always will.
Happy Mothers day in heaven.
from your daughter Corinna.
If roses grew in heaven,
Please pick a bunch for me,
Place them in my mother's arms
and tell her they're from me.
Tell her I love her and miss her
and when she turns to smile,
Place a kiss upon her cheek
And hold her for awhile.
Because remembering her is easy,
I do it everyday,
But there is an ache within my heart,
That will never go away.
So Mothers day is comming up on Sunday, and of all the holidays of the year this feels like the worst one to face. I know all the first year is hard. but facing a mothers day with no mom feels wrong, There is lots of people who do this every year. and it isnt easy at all.
I won't get to wish mom a happy mothers day or tell hr how much i love her for all she has done for me as a mom. I HATE THIS, i just want this to be a nightmare, and wake up.
and here i am gonna be selfish for a moment. I WANT MY MOM, WHY HER?, WHY CANCER?.
All theses questions and i know they will never be answered.
So I am going to write a letter to mom on here, so here we go.
Dear Mom.
Its been 70 days today without you, I miss you so much, people say it gets easier with time, and I am trying to get though these passed 70 days with a fake smile so people think i am OK, but I'm not.
Mom my heart hurts everyday, Some days are harder than others, and they days that are harder than others, i feel like a bad mother myself, I don't do anything, i do make sure the kids are taken care of, but that's about it, I spend a lot of time crying/laying around.
I know if you were here you would kick my ass for not doing anything, and i am sorry that i am wallowing in grief.
I don't know how to make it though Mothers day without you, but i will try and put on a smile for my kids for that day, after all they do still have their mom.
I don't know how you did it when you lost grandma (your mom). you seemed to also put on the fake smile and chug though your heartache for us kids. I wish i could do that, but i know i will never be as strong as you were.
you were/are such an amazing woman, and i thank you for being my mom, you showed me so much in life, i will forever carry that with me.
When you told me about 2 weeks before you passed away that you feel like you had been waiting 20 yrs for the phone to ring from grandma, i did not quite grasp what you were telling me, but i can say now i sure do know now.
I miss our daily phone calls, especially the ones first thing in the morning, when we would talk over a cup of coffee, these are the memories i will hold forever.
We were in Walmart last weekend and as we were walking by the yarn, Aidan asks me if i knew how to knit a sweater? i said no, it was one of the only things i did not learn, and now of course i wish i did. and like you learned from books and patterns i will too. Aidan was squeezing his foot into the last pair on knitted socks you made him, so i know what the first thing to try is going to be a new pair of knitted socks, he is growing and he loves those socks and sweaters. mine will never be as good as yours but i will try
My garden is going to be put in, in the next month or so, and i am thinking back to when i used to plan out what i would plant, and you always made sure i remembered the zucchini, and as fall approached on us, we soon realized we forgot to plant beets, a staple in most gardens and we would forget them, but don't worry mom I GOT THE BEET SEEDS to plant.
I hope you are having fun with Byron.
And as we all go on with our lives down here on earth, i hope that you watch over us, and watch you grand babies grow.
I love you mom, i always will.
Happy Mothers day in heaven.
from your daughter Corinna.
If roses grew in heaven,
Please pick a bunch for me,
Place them in my mother's arms
and tell her they're from me.
Tell her I love her and miss her
and when she turns to smile,
Place a kiss upon her cheek
And hold her for awhile.
Because remembering her is easy,
I do it everyday,
But there is an ache within my heart,
That will never go away.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)