The other day I tried to wright a blog post about all that Christmas brought us, I had it all done and ready to click post and for the life of me could not hit the post button, you see Christmas was not merry at all, I did not get to see my kids on Christmas morning instead i got to talk to them on the phone, we did not have a very nice ending to 2010 because the reality of both of my parents sick with cancer is catching up with us, Mom ended up in the hospital with a low blood count and was in isolation for 5 days and Dad fell into a deep depression and lost the will to live, so he ended up in the hospital gaining back his strength to fight and find his will to live again. They are both doing OK for now, and still need time to recoup.
I hate to know what 1 year will hold for us, or if we all will be here to see 1 year from now, we can only hope and believe we will be.
Some days I just want the time to stop and we just be in the now, but that does not happen, we must go forward there is no rewind, or stop button.
I know 2011 will be a true test in my marriage, my relationships with my sisters and understanding who i can truly trust in this world, some friendships will be broken and some made stronger, connections with old family members, and finally finding myself in the mist of it all.
I don't wish to say have a happy new year, I don't feel happy at all about it and to say the least i am scared of whats to come.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
The Holiday Plans.
Our holiday plans start up tomorrow, the first day my hubby has off of work for 10 days, we are looking very forward to spending so good quality time with family and friends, tomorrow we are packing up all the gifts to deliver to other people and making our rounds together to drop them off and wish everyone a very merry Christmas, we are planning on a movie night with the kids to end the day, on Christmas eve we are starting a new tradition for us and hopefully it will stick and hope we do it every year of making some kind of cut out cookies and decorate them together, i know the kids will love doing that and Eric and I love doing anything that makes the kids happy that we all do together, and we hope to take the kids sledding if its not to cold, sounds like it will be perfect for it.
Christmas day probably will be like every year the kids wake us up and as a family we go to the tree together, no one is allowed to snoop, the kids gather on our bed and we wait till everyone has used the bathroom and then well all hell breaks loose, paper,ribbon, bows, etc...EVERYWHERE, but its all fun, we usually hang out and spend time together for the rest of the day, then we will have a nice supper together.
After Christmas i really hope we get to visit my parents, for a few days, this of course is pending everyone's health, we can not risk taking "germs" to them as they are immune system weak from the chemo treatments.
I hope to get some good pictures with the kids and mom and dad. I know these kids miss their grandma and grandpa so much and they can't wait to give them big hugs and tell them how much they love them too.
I am looking forward to Christmas this year as my babies grow, i know they will start to remember these days and someday will look back and say remember that Christmas........it was so fun. just like they always are.
And the best part is I won't be changing a poopy diaper Christmas morning because there is NONE, I know Rhiannon potty trained 9 months ago but this will be the first Christmas in 9 years i have not had to change a dirty diaper, wahoo i will be toasting to that HUGE milestone. LOL.
Christmas day probably will be like every year the kids wake us up and as a family we go to the tree together, no one is allowed to snoop, the kids gather on our bed and we wait till everyone has used the bathroom and then well all hell breaks loose, paper,ribbon, bows, etc...EVERYWHERE, but its all fun, we usually hang out and spend time together for the rest of the day, then we will have a nice supper together.
After Christmas i really hope we get to visit my parents, for a few days, this of course is pending everyone's health, we can not risk taking "germs" to them as they are immune system weak from the chemo treatments.
I hope to get some good pictures with the kids and mom and dad. I know these kids miss their grandma and grandpa so much and they can't wait to give them big hugs and tell them how much they love them too.
I am looking forward to Christmas this year as my babies grow, i know they will start to remember these days and someday will look back and say remember that Christmas........it was so fun. just like they always are.
And the best part is I won't be changing a poopy diaper Christmas morning because there is NONE, I know Rhiannon potty trained 9 months ago but this will be the first Christmas in 9 years i have not had to change a dirty diaper, wahoo i will be toasting to that HUGE milestone. LOL.
Monday, December 20, 2010
The Christmas Season!
So last year we spent our last Christmas just the 5of us in our old crappy house, and i remember telling Eric when we were putting up the tree that i was glad we were almost done with the house that was falling apart and full of mold that was making us sick, sure that house was the home we brought all 3 of our babies home to, but when a home is not the safe place for your family to be in and the cost to "fix" it was more than the cost of a new house, you got to make some changes. Some times change is a good thing, it makes it possible for one to grow, but sometimes the plan you have just never turns out the way you want it to.
Last year i dreamt of "one year from now" and now that it here i sometimes want to go back, i never in a million years would i ever think that the first Christmas in our new home would have the thoughts of wanting last year back, last year no one knew of cancer in the family, everyone seemed happy and other than our moldy house healthy.
Now we face the ugly fact that this might be the last year with mom and dad, and sure miracles happen and we may even have next year too, but to think to far in the future is unrealistic, so we take the now and hope for next year.
We are planning on staying here for Christmas and if we are all healthy (no runny noses) then we plan on going to mom and dads house after Christmas and spend a few days there.
I still have not found the way to tell my kids that their Grandpa does not look the same as the last time they seen him, there is alot less of him physically and mentally, i seen him last weekend and he is not the dad i remember, he is so thin, all my life he has been a rounder kind of guy, he is sad and never smiles, he used to always smile and joke around. guess i'm gonna have to tell them soon because they will see it in less than a week.
Mom is doing way better than anyone ever thought, the tumor has shrunk which is wonderful because the doctors all said not to expect that to happen, but has in return left mom in alot of pain, she is trying to take care of dad so he does not starve to death, and taking care of him is taking away from her to be able to relax.
I only have one wish for Christmas, and that is for mom and dad to be back to the mom and dad i remember.
Last year i dreamt of "one year from now" and now that it here i sometimes want to go back, i never in a million years would i ever think that the first Christmas in our new home would have the thoughts of wanting last year back, last year no one knew of cancer in the family, everyone seemed happy and other than our moldy house healthy.
Now we face the ugly fact that this might be the last year with mom and dad, and sure miracles happen and we may even have next year too, but to think to far in the future is unrealistic, so we take the now and hope for next year.
We are planning on staying here for Christmas and if we are all healthy (no runny noses) then we plan on going to mom and dads house after Christmas and spend a few days there.
I still have not found the way to tell my kids that their Grandpa does not look the same as the last time they seen him, there is alot less of him physically and mentally, i seen him last weekend and he is not the dad i remember, he is so thin, all my life he has been a rounder kind of guy, he is sad and never smiles, he used to always smile and joke around. guess i'm gonna have to tell them soon because they will see it in less than a week.
Mom is doing way better than anyone ever thought, the tumor has shrunk which is wonderful because the doctors all said not to expect that to happen, but has in return left mom in alot of pain, she is trying to take care of dad so he does not starve to death, and taking care of him is taking away from her to be able to relax.
I only have one wish for Christmas, and that is for mom and dad to be back to the mom and dad i remember.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
What a dream! oh wait...... its not!
Geez days like today i just wish it was a bad dream, I woke up this morning and all i could think about was the phone call i had with my sister Lena, our conversations on the phone seem different these days because with my mom and dad staying there while getting treatments its a topic that i just don't know how to talk to her about, Lena is such a trooper though all of this cancer crap that is by the way showing its ugly side now, she works a full time job which some days are 10hrs long and skips her breaks just because its busy, and being the manager she gets the shaft, she then goes home and tends to her husband and daughter, while also looking after mom and dad, i don't know how she does it everyday and still gets up the next to do it again, she is an amazing woman, she is my sister, my best friend, she is the one who saved Rhiannon's and my life, she is always there when you need her the most, I love her more than words can say, and I don't know if she will ever know how much i do.
Last night after getting off the phone with her, all i could think is "i should be there helping" but i know it won't make anything better, and trust me if i could take this stupid cancer away from my family i would without a second thought, its an ugly thing to have anyone go though and i really wish it did not have to exist.
I wish there was more i could do for Lena and her little family, for my mom, for my dad, but really I think the only way i can help is to just listen when they call, so they have someone to talk to ,who is not there, but is there in heart.
This Christmas does not feel right, because of this whole "thing", we decorated the house, i have started to make the x-mas goodies, we are almost done the shopping with just the few last things to go, but this Christmas all I really want is something i can't have......things back to normal, and to wake up from this awful dream we are in. but its never going to be normal, because this is life and we don't have control over it.
Last night after getting off the phone with her, all i could think is "i should be there helping" but i know it won't make anything better, and trust me if i could take this stupid cancer away from my family i would without a second thought, its an ugly thing to have anyone go though and i really wish it did not have to exist.
I wish there was more i could do for Lena and her little family, for my mom, for my dad, but really I think the only way i can help is to just listen when they call, so they have someone to talk to ,who is not there, but is there in heart.
This Christmas does not feel right, because of this whole "thing", we decorated the house, i have started to make the x-mas goodies, we are almost done the shopping with just the few last things to go, but this Christmas all I really want is something i can't have......things back to normal, and to wake up from this awful dream we are in. but its never going to be normal, because this is life and we don't have control over it.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
9 Years! HAPPY BIRTHDAY AIDAN!
Happy Birthday Aidan Hans we love you more than you could ever know.
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