I know i said I would post about how our Easter went, and so here it is, better late than never right?
So Easter day April/24/11 marked 2 months that mom passed away, and for that we showed Dad how much we learned from Mom a we made a huge supper, it included *taking a deep breath* turkey, ham, mashed potatoes, stuffing (dressing), green bean casserole, turnips, mustard sauce (for the ham), gravy, 5 pies (not store bought) they were 2 apple, 2 pumpkin, and 1 chocolate cream.
And other than the gravy (which was a bit lumpy) dad said we did well.
Thanks mom for teaching us how to put on a traditional supper, now we know why you started early in the mornings, its a ton of work.
Rhiannon had a follow-up appointment 2 days ago with her Physical, occupational, and speech therapy.
let me recap for those of you who don't know.
When Rhiannon was born, her placenta had ripped and caused a lot of blood loss for her out of 4 grades of abruption, we had a grade 3 abruption, the 4Th is death for both of us, and alot of the time babies who suffer a grade 3 abruption die.
No doctor thought she would survive, and if she did we were told she would never walk, talk, or do any f the things she does today.
Rhiannon survived hers, but did suffer some oxygen deprivation due to the blood loss,
at 9 months of age i knew she needed help, I was not going to take what the doctors said, and i was not able to give it to her,
so with the help of a health nurse we entered into a program where children with physical delays and their parents learn how to move forward and learn how to teach a baby/child to meet milestones with physical and occupational therapies.
and with many appointments and hrs a day working with her at home she was classed "normal" 2 yrs ago.
On Thursday her appointment was to just make sure she was where he should be still.
she did all of what she was asked to do and more.
The occupational therapist asked Rhiannon to draw a circle and showed her a circle so she could draw it, she did it,
then she was asked to draw a square, and she did. then she was asked to draw a +, but she drew a circle instead,
she was asked to try again and drew a circle again. then Rhiannon asked for help and the occupational therapist showed her how to draw the first line and then the second, and asked Rhiannon to try,
Rhiannon said "no" "you did it, Good job your so smart" she told the therapist, and the room broke out into laughter,
she has come along way and beyond what anyone thought she could do.
She is a miracle some tell me, but i like to think of it as a child who has beat the odds and gives others hope to push forward and not take what doctors tell you to heart, because no one can tell you your child's outcome better than your child.
I am proud of all 3 of my children, they show me what life is all about when i all I want to do is give up, they make me want to be a better person.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Moving Forward.
Its been a while since my last post, I have been i guess what they call a bit withdrawn from life, I tend to my kids, do a bit of house work, do the minimum of whats required in life, i feel sick but i don't think its a bug of any kind just the workings of the grief/stress. I am working on it, some days are good, others are not.
So let me tell you whats on my mind these days.
Spring is here, and so it is supposed to mark a new beginning for most people, after a long hard cold winter so many are embracing it. I am too, some what, but still am stuck in my grief, and I know I am not alone.
Easter is on Sunday, and so is mom's 2 months in heaven, We are planning a family Easter gathering, kinda like we did for Thanksgiving, except without mom here with us, It makes me really look back and be truly thankful we were able to have mom for Thanksgiving, guess all her advice to us girls though life is really gonna shine though, because we are gonna have to wing this on our own, we can't ask mom how do you do this? or how much of that? so here we go, this is it, this is what we know, I'll make sure i post about how it all goes.
I was looking outside yesterday, and thinking i was gonna have to get my butt out there and mark out my "new garden" spot, and start deciding what I'm gonna plant, for sure I know beets. LOL i promised mom i would plant them so Lena could have her pickled beets (her favorite), and I am gonna have to make sure dad gets his bread and butter pickles too. I'm gonna have to raid her recipe stash to get her recipes for them.
Among the garden and endless yard work (new yard) the kids also want some chickens, for fresh eggs and fresh chicken meat, and at first i was kinda not going for it but with the research i have done on the hormones and crap the non organic chicken farmers use and the whole cancer thing, more and more i am looking at aiming for an organic/green house family someday, for me it just makes sense. its not just chickens but most of our meat from the store and produce, if you have the money and ability to buy organic than great but where i am and the cost of fuel to drive, i think we are gonna try this organic living thing, it will take time but i hope to have our home organic/green living in 5yrs. wish me luck. :)
Rhiannon goes next week for a follow up in her physical/occupational therapy, she was last there when she was almost 2, now she is almost 4, I know she is on target to where she should be, if anything it nice to show them how far she has come in her almost 4 yrs of life, from a baby that all the doctors said would never even breathe on her own, to this happy child who talks your ear off, and has so much to live for and teach others with her determination to prove everyone WRONG. I love all 3 of my kids so much and I am thankful everyday i have them, nothing comes even close to the love i have for my babies, when i gave birth to Aidan mom had said to me "now you can watch your heart walk outside your body" and boy was she right. X 3.
Dad has his next appointment for his next surgery, its May 18Th and we are all kinda nervous about it. lets hope it goes smoothly. I have all my ducks in order so i can be with him for it. agian i'll try and post more about how it goes.
Any way that's all for now from me, nothing exciting but it something. have a great day everyone.
So let me tell you whats on my mind these days.
Spring is here, and so it is supposed to mark a new beginning for most people, after a long hard cold winter so many are embracing it. I am too, some what, but still am stuck in my grief, and I know I am not alone.
Easter is on Sunday, and so is mom's 2 months in heaven, We are planning a family Easter gathering, kinda like we did for Thanksgiving, except without mom here with us, It makes me really look back and be truly thankful we were able to have mom for Thanksgiving, guess all her advice to us girls though life is really gonna shine though, because we are gonna have to wing this on our own, we can't ask mom how do you do this? or how much of that? so here we go, this is it, this is what we know, I'll make sure i post about how it all goes.
I was looking outside yesterday, and thinking i was gonna have to get my butt out there and mark out my "new garden" spot, and start deciding what I'm gonna plant, for sure I know beets. LOL i promised mom i would plant them so Lena could have her pickled beets (her favorite), and I am gonna have to make sure dad gets his bread and butter pickles too. I'm gonna have to raid her recipe stash to get her recipes for them.
Among the garden and endless yard work (new yard) the kids also want some chickens, for fresh eggs and fresh chicken meat, and at first i was kinda not going for it but with the research i have done on the hormones and crap the non organic chicken farmers use and the whole cancer thing, more and more i am looking at aiming for an organic/green house family someday, for me it just makes sense. its not just chickens but most of our meat from the store and produce, if you have the money and ability to buy organic than great but where i am and the cost of fuel to drive, i think we are gonna try this organic living thing, it will take time but i hope to have our home organic/green living in 5yrs. wish me luck. :)
Rhiannon goes next week for a follow up in her physical/occupational therapy, she was last there when she was almost 2, now she is almost 4, I know she is on target to where she should be, if anything it nice to show them how far she has come in her almost 4 yrs of life, from a baby that all the doctors said would never even breathe on her own, to this happy child who talks your ear off, and has so much to live for and teach others with her determination to prove everyone WRONG. I love all 3 of my kids so much and I am thankful everyday i have them, nothing comes even close to the love i have for my babies, when i gave birth to Aidan mom had said to me "now you can watch your heart walk outside your body" and boy was she right. X 3.
Dad has his next appointment for his next surgery, its May 18Th and we are all kinda nervous about it. lets hope it goes smoothly. I have all my ducks in order so i can be with him for it. agian i'll try and post more about how it goes.
Any way that's all for now from me, nothing exciting but it something. have a great day everyone.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Missing her.
Its been 31 days of life without mom. I miss her more today than i did yesterday, and i missed her more yesterday than i did the day before.
This pain in my heart will never end, and i know i probably sound like a broken record to you.
This blog has turned into a bunch of pity party posts of how my heart aches.
I feel lost without her, i feel like huge parts of my day to day life is bare without her here.
I miss her calling me in the mornings and having coffee over the phone, her talks were so calming.
I miss her voice, her laugh, her thoughts and mostly her unconditional love she had.
I now am facing an ugly side of grieving the loss of mom, because i am jealous of other people who still have their moms, i know it stupid, and don't think i hate anyone.
Did you know its only 40 days till Mother's day? UGH! i just want to scream, while others try and pick the "just right mothers day card" that say "mom your the best" ...I'll just be by passing the Mother's day isle in the stores, with my heart aching wishing i could. Instead for Mother's day I'll light her a candle, and remember the 29 mother's days i got to have with her.
I hate that mom only exists in memories, and pictures. it still feels so unreal, that she is gone.
I keep thinking back to the beginning of February when mom was in the hospital here is a post from then http://learningtostaystrong.blogspot.com/2011/02/arms-of-mother.html That day i had supper with dad and asked him what he thought of mom being sick, he told me he did not think she would see spring. when i dropped dad off at home, i went back to see mom. I asked her a burning question that sat heavy on my mind. I sat on her hospital bed and asked "mom, is this it?" she took my hand and said she did not think she could keep going with the Chemotherapy, that she would just accept the time she had left. I told her i wish i could be as strong as her, and right now i feel like a wimp.
This pain in my heart will never end, and i know i probably sound like a broken record to you.
This blog has turned into a bunch of pity party posts of how my heart aches.
I feel lost without her, i feel like huge parts of my day to day life is bare without her here.
I miss her calling me in the mornings and having coffee over the phone, her talks were so calming.
I miss her voice, her laugh, her thoughts and mostly her unconditional love she had.
I now am facing an ugly side of grieving the loss of mom, because i am jealous of other people who still have their moms, i know it stupid, and don't think i hate anyone.
Did you know its only 40 days till Mother's day? UGH! i just want to scream, while others try and pick the "just right mothers day card" that say "mom your the best" ...I'll just be by passing the Mother's day isle in the stores, with my heart aching wishing i could. Instead for Mother's day I'll light her a candle, and remember the 29 mother's days i got to have with her.
I hate that mom only exists in memories, and pictures. it still feels so unreal, that she is gone.
I keep thinking back to the beginning of February when mom was in the hospital here is a post from then http://learningtostaystrong.blogspot.com/2011/02/arms-of-mother.html That day i had supper with dad and asked him what he thought of mom being sick, he told me he did not think she would see spring. when i dropped dad off at home, i went back to see mom. I asked her a burning question that sat heavy on my mind. I sat on her hospital bed and asked "mom, is this it?" she took my hand and said she did not think she could keep going with the Chemotherapy, that she would just accept the time she had left. I told her i wish i could be as strong as her, and right now i feel like a wimp.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
UPDATE! on everything.
So tomorrow marks 1 whole month mom as been an angel in heaven watching over us with Byron. so much has happened in the last month, i still feel like its been months that we have been at this spot.
as much as loosing mom has hurt, we still have reasons to smile today, let me share it with you.
Yesterday dad and i went to the Cross Cancer Institute for dad to have a check up, up till now we keep a guard up knowing that with cancer anything can happen, we pray for the best but you also prepare to hear something you don't want to hear.
We sat waiting in a waiting area, and as dad sat sipping a coffee, i flashed back to September 15Th 2010.
Lena and I sat with mom in the EXACT same spot while we waited for the doctor to see us, to tell us that mom was terminal. with no hope to survive her stage 4 lung cancer.
I told dad we sat in this spot with her and showed him a picture of her in the waiting area to prove myself, he looked at me did not say a word.
We got called in, dad got weighed then taken into another room where the doctor came in, he talked a while then proceeded with the exam, a camera in his nose down his throat to look on the inside, and a good feel of his neck on the outside, some scraping on the inside of his mouth and he was done.
The doctor then said the most wanted news we needed to hear " NO SIGN OF CANCER".
those words at this time in life have so much meaning, they are the words of hope. I am so proud of dad.
We do still know dad will still need to have surgery on his prostate, and he needs to gain some weight back.
as for my weight loss, well i completely fell of the wagon, i know bad girl, but i am starting back on Sunday FORSURE, on a good note i have not gained anything back. :)
My babies are doing OK with loosing grandma, they talk all the time about her and miss her too, she will be missed for a long long time.
The days now even when i think of mom are not tear filled days and they seem a bit easier to get though, we had moms memorial this past Saturday and i think that helped some, a reason to move forward a bit,
some days i feel so guilty for even moving forward,
but as mom said there is no backwards ,only forward, so forward it shall be.
i hope everyone is having a great day, I am because i am with my babies and we are making grandma a 1 month angel day cake. a double layer super chocolatey cake with frosting and chocolate curls from scratch and we will enjoy it with some cold milk just like she liked it.
as much as loosing mom has hurt, we still have reasons to smile today, let me share it with you.
Yesterday dad and i went to the Cross Cancer Institute for dad to have a check up, up till now we keep a guard up knowing that with cancer anything can happen, we pray for the best but you also prepare to hear something you don't want to hear.
We sat waiting in a waiting area, and as dad sat sipping a coffee, i flashed back to September 15Th 2010.
Lena and I sat with mom in the EXACT same spot while we waited for the doctor to see us, to tell us that mom was terminal. with no hope to survive her stage 4 lung cancer.
I told dad we sat in this spot with her and showed him a picture of her in the waiting area to prove myself, he looked at me did not say a word.
We got called in, dad got weighed then taken into another room where the doctor came in, he talked a while then proceeded with the exam, a camera in his nose down his throat to look on the inside, and a good feel of his neck on the outside, some scraping on the inside of his mouth and he was done.
The doctor then said the most wanted news we needed to hear " NO SIGN OF CANCER".
those words at this time in life have so much meaning, they are the words of hope. I am so proud of dad.
We do still know dad will still need to have surgery on his prostate, and he needs to gain some weight back.
as for my weight loss, well i completely fell of the wagon, i know bad girl, but i am starting back on Sunday FORSURE, on a good note i have not gained anything back. :)
My babies are doing OK with loosing grandma, they talk all the time about her and miss her too, she will be missed for a long long time.
The days now even when i think of mom are not tear filled days and they seem a bit easier to get though, we had moms memorial this past Saturday and i think that helped some, a reason to move forward a bit,
some days i feel so guilty for even moving forward,
but as mom said there is no backwards ,only forward, so forward it shall be.
i hope everyone is having a great day, I am because i am with my babies and we are making grandma a 1 month angel day cake. a double layer super chocolatey cake with frosting and chocolate curls from scratch and we will enjoy it with some cold milk just like she liked it.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
2 weeks ago.
I can't hardly believe 2 weeks ago i was able to talk to mom and hold her hand as she told us she was not scared and was ready to go to heaven, I feel like my world has crumbled into pieces that can't be put back together, I know i keep saying I miss her so much, i probably sound like a broken record by now, but i don't really care what people think, a huge part of my heart is missing, and will be like that till the day i am able to be with her again, I scream everyday on the inside and try to get though each day, that seems like the impossible sometimes.
I held her hand 2 weeks ago and said i would be okay,that i would find the way to keep going, and now i sit here and try to keep my end of the promise up.
I have a video of her from 5 yr ago, it was a family camping trip we all went to for mom and dads anniversary (every 5 yrs we do it, and this yr we will too), she talks in the video her wishes and dreams for us for that weekend, and how much it means to her and dad the time we spend together as a family, its a 2 min talk, and its nice to hear her voice.
i don't know if life as i knew it will ever go back to normal, at least i got my sisters, my dad and some good friends to hold me up when all i want to do is fall.
Love you all thanks for being there for me.
I held her hand 2 weeks ago and said i would be okay,that i would find the way to keep going, and now i sit here and try to keep my end of the promise up.
I have a video of her from 5 yr ago, it was a family camping trip we all went to for mom and dads anniversary (every 5 yrs we do it, and this yr we will too), she talks in the video her wishes and dreams for us for that weekend, and how much it means to her and dad the time we spend together as a family, its a 2 min talk, and its nice to hear her voice.
i don't know if life as i knew it will ever go back to normal, at least i got my sisters, my dad and some good friends to hold me up when all i want to do is fall.
Love you all thanks for being there for me.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
I did not sign up this, no one did.
I never in my life, and I am sure my 3 other sisters and dad would agree, that a life without mom was NEVER gonna happen, i mean we all know that death is a normal part of the end of life, but she was not supposed to go so soon, or i think anyway.
I seem to not recall the sign up sheet that said at the age of 30 you would be motherless, the person that I talked to EVERYDAY multiple times in a day is not there anymore.
I have so many people that care so deeply for me and my family and i truly am grateful, but no matter how much support one has it never will be the same, she is gone, my mom died, I can't call her when i need my mom, i will never feel the unconditional love that only a mother has for her child even at 30yrs old.
I cry and scream inside it feels like all hrs of the day and night, i hate this heartache, and for the first time in 20 something yrs i now know what my mom felt like when Grandma died, it hurts so bad, it tastes nasty, sleep is restless, and a refreshing shower is anything but refreshing.
Life now as it will be for the rest of my life will not ever be normal, my normal is all wrong without mom, and all i can say is thank goodness i have my 3 kids, they save me from doing anything stupid, they are my reason for being here, they are the result of how my mom loved her kids so much and taught me how to be a good mom to my kids.
No one on this earth will EVER love me like my mom loved me.
My heart aches for her and will for the rest of my life.
Please keep my dad in your prayers as he is finding other ways to deal with this loss.
I seem to not recall the sign up sheet that said at the age of 30 you would be motherless, the person that I talked to EVERYDAY multiple times in a day is not there anymore.
I have so many people that care so deeply for me and my family and i truly am grateful, but no matter how much support one has it never will be the same, she is gone, my mom died, I can't call her when i need my mom, i will never feel the unconditional love that only a mother has for her child even at 30yrs old.
I cry and scream inside it feels like all hrs of the day and night, i hate this heartache, and for the first time in 20 something yrs i now know what my mom felt like when Grandma died, it hurts so bad, it tastes nasty, sleep is restless, and a refreshing shower is anything but refreshing.
Life now as it will be for the rest of my life will not ever be normal, my normal is all wrong without mom, and all i can say is thank goodness i have my 3 kids, they save me from doing anything stupid, they are my reason for being here, they are the result of how my mom loved her kids so much and taught me how to be a good mom to my kids.
No one on this earth will EVER love me like my mom loved me.
My heart aches for her and will for the rest of my life.
Please keep my dad in your prayers as he is finding other ways to deal with this loss.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
A letter to Mom in heaven.
Today is day 3 that you have been an angel in heaven, 3 days you have been cancer free and pain free, 3 days you have been back with Grandma, grandpa, and Byron, 3 days we have been left here on earth missing you, 3 days of heartache and tears. Its only been 3 days but feels like weeks have passed by.
you always said that when someones passes away the ones left behind were the ones who suffered.
We miss you so much here on earth but know we will see you in our dreams like you said we would.
I know we had time to say good bye but I still had to much to ask you, i still needed you to show me things, to give me advice, to share things that only a mother and daughter could share, I was not ready, i dont think any of us were ready.
Yesterday I struggled though wanting you back, but knowing if you were here you would still be hurting.
Life is not fair sometimes and right now seems unbearable at moments to deal with, I know with a bit of time it will get a bit easier to get though. Life will never be the same but i know if we keep to our promise to you of sticking together we will be able to pull though.
You have given so much of yourself to all of us, and i learned all i know from you, You taught me what it meant to live with your heart outside your body when I had my children, I learned what it meant to love unconditionally and fully, You taught the tools i needed to live life and to face this world, Thank-you mom for all you have done for me.
I am dreading the day when life goes back to some what normal days and i can't call you to say "I love you mom" instead i will be talking to you like i do with Byron knowing you will still here my call to you.
We all will learn a new way of living life without you here with us, it will take a while but we will be okay, just like you said we would be.
I know you see us crying out for you, and i know you are holding us though this.
I love you and miss you so much mom, we all do.
with love from Corinna.
P.S. Dad will be okay, we are here for him.
you always said that when someones passes away the ones left behind were the ones who suffered.
We miss you so much here on earth but know we will see you in our dreams like you said we would.
I know we had time to say good bye but I still had to much to ask you, i still needed you to show me things, to give me advice, to share things that only a mother and daughter could share, I was not ready, i dont think any of us were ready.
Yesterday I struggled though wanting you back, but knowing if you were here you would still be hurting.
Life is not fair sometimes and right now seems unbearable at moments to deal with, I know with a bit of time it will get a bit easier to get though. Life will never be the same but i know if we keep to our promise to you of sticking together we will be able to pull though.
You have given so much of yourself to all of us, and i learned all i know from you, You taught me what it meant to live with your heart outside your body when I had my children, I learned what it meant to love unconditionally and fully, You taught the tools i needed to live life and to face this world, Thank-you mom for all you have done for me.
I am dreading the day when life goes back to some what normal days and i can't call you to say "I love you mom" instead i will be talking to you like i do with Byron knowing you will still here my call to you.
We all will learn a new way of living life without you here with us, it will take a while but we will be okay, just like you said we would be.
I know you see us crying out for you, and i know you are holding us though this.
I love you and miss you so much mom, we all do.
with love from Corinna.
P.S. Dad will be okay, we are here for him.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)