Its been 31 days of life without mom. I miss her more today than i did yesterday, and i missed her more yesterday than i did the day before.
This pain in my heart will never end, and i know i probably sound like a broken record to you.
This blog has turned into a bunch of pity party posts of how my heart aches.
I feel lost without her, i feel like huge parts of my day to day life is bare without her here.
I miss her calling me in the mornings and having coffee over the phone, her talks were so calming.
I miss her voice, her laugh, her thoughts and mostly her unconditional love she had.
I now am facing an ugly side of grieving the loss of mom, because i am jealous of other people who still have their moms, i know it stupid, and don't think i hate anyone.
Did you know its only 40 days till Mother's day? UGH! i just want to scream, while others try and pick the "just right mothers day card" that say "mom your the best" ...I'll just be by passing the Mother's day isle in the stores, with my heart aching wishing i could. Instead for Mother's day I'll light her a candle, and remember the 29 mother's days i got to have with her.
I hate that mom only exists in memories, and pictures. it still feels so unreal, that she is gone.
I keep thinking back to the beginning of February when mom was in the hospital here is a post from then http://learningtostaystrong.blogspot.com/2011/02/arms-of-mother.html That day i had supper with dad and asked him what he thought of mom being sick, he told me he did not think she would see spring. when i dropped dad off at home, i went back to see mom. I asked her a burning question that sat heavy on my mind. I sat on her hospital bed and asked "mom, is this it?" she took my hand and said she did not think she could keep going with the Chemotherapy, that she would just accept the time she had left. I told her i wish i could be as strong as her, and right now i feel like a wimp.
Oh, my friend, it's not what they take away from you that counts. It's what you do with what you have left. ~Hubert Humphrey
ReplyDeleteDeath is nothing at all.
ReplyDeleteI have only slipped away to the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
That, we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak to me in the easy way
which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect.
Without the trace of a shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same that it ever was.
There is absolute unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?
Thank you so much for your thoughtful words.
ReplyDelete