All I Have Is Memories.

Memories is all that remain now of my parents, the two people who created me, loved me, and built who I am today, and even though my pain is so deep from loosing them I can reflect back to my memory and dream of the times I got with them. I would like to share one with you about my mom from Feb,22,2011, just 2 days before she passed away. I was visiting my parents for the week with my babies, mom was in hospital due to her cancer just making it to hard for dad to care for her on his own. This day we went to the hospital about 11am and she asked me if I would help her with a shower, I asked if a nurse could and she requested that I help her, so I did, I didn't mind anyway, I wanted to help her as much as I could because after all she helped me in more was I could count and I wanted to soak up as much as time with her as I could. As I left the kids in the hospital room with dad watching over I took mom in her wheel chair down the hallway to the shower room, there was a chair in the shower stall and I helped her to it. Moving was slow and extremely painful for her. I got the water to a nice temp asking her if it was too hot or too cold on her feet, the shower head was one that came off the wall to direct the spray. After I found the perfect temp I started from her feet and legs washing her as I was on my knees beside her chair, she put her hand on my shoulder and said my name and as I looked up to her I noticed she had tears in her eyes, I asked her if she was hurting, her response was no, then she said "I can't fight anymore" and as I shut off the water to talk, wrapping a large towel around her frail body I told her "its ok to stop fighting mom, if you need to go then you go, we will be ok" we cried together in that shower. I started up the water again and continued washing her up, dressed her, a wheeled her back to her room where she got a top up of pain meds and settled into bed, the kids and I went back to my parents house and left dad to be with mom. The next morning is when the Dr called in the family as she took a turn and was making her way out of this world that happened on the 24th. I still recall it all so vividly and I'm thankful for that, but it does not stop my pain in missing her and dad so much.

Taking One Day At A Time.

Today I can breathe just a little bit easier, I still need time, but I'm hoping with that it will get better as days go on. I know that what I'm.dealing with is my grief for the loss of my brother, my mom and my dad, and because I'm not handling it as well as some I seem to let it blow up on my kids and husband, which is not okay, and I know that but trying to calm the anger is so much harder than I can do in my own, I have plans to go see my Dr and talk to him about maybe be put on medication to help me, I don't know at this point what to do and that seems like a step I need to take before I loose my family and friends. Thank you for your understanding and prayers as I continue this battle to find me in all the rubble.

My Breaking Point.

So here I am, today I feel like such a failure because I just can seem to keep myself together, I have failed my kids after yesterday's blow up of me totally emotionally damaging my family. I'm not going to get into details about it but I wanted to write out what I'm feeling on here. I am not sure how long I can keep the fake smile going because its getting harder and harder to hide my pain, I am so drained and I can pray all I want to god to take my pain away and it doesn't work, so I've decided I need to take time to breathe and try and stay here, I'm taking a break from my Facebook, and from my cell phone to just get away from the constant criticism I get for voicing my thoughts, I get told all the time to "just be happy", "get over it", or "move on" and the truth is I don't need any advice because you see unless you are me you really have no idea what I'm walking, so this "withdraw from life" is my attempt to keep my mind straight. So please know I'm not mad at you, I just need space for myself to breathe, to cope with what I have to cope with, so I won't be texting, calling, or answering the phone, I don't know how long I will need to do this but I need to do this for me.

The Fight Inside!

February is here, one of the hardest months for me to get through, its plagued with so much heartache for me, and no matter how much I tell myself to find the happy in it, the sad ones are not far behind, the 14th is our wedding anniversary we will have been married for 10 years, people tell me we should do something to celebrate it but how do you celebrate a crumbling marriage that feels so one sided?, then the 16th was my brothers birthday, he's dead so guess that's just another empty date on the calendar, I miss him so much, I know if he was here I would have the shoulder I need today that is just not available for me, then the 24th, that marks another year that mom said goodbye, she should still be here, I miss her and dad too so much some days it hurts. The 24th also marks the birthday of a beautiful lady near and dear to my heart that has played a very big part to keeping my mind on straight she knows who she is and in case she forgot and she reads this she should know that I love her . I try so hard every day to keep going, but truth is I'm needing a break from the fight with in my heart that makes me want to fall apart.

Who am I???

I struggle with this question all the time, I wonder where the person I was has gone, who would I be today if life didn't dish me a big ol pile of shit? Most of the time I hide these feelings away from people around me, and put on a smile like I'm all ok within, but truth is I'm not, its getting harder now to put on the cover these days and hate how when you allow yourself to look on the outside like you feel on the inside people automatically think and say "she is just depressed" or "she can't handle grief", I hate being judged and told to be happy when I'm not. So where is it fair to me to always have the fake smile on and guard what I say to protect the way others feel? I CAN'T ANYMORE! I'M NOT GONNA WORRY ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK OR SAY ABOUT ME. After all they don't have to deal with what I deal with within me. February is just a couple days away and it probably is one of the hardest months for me to muster through, I've got a lot on my mind and need a way to get it out, and this is MY space to do that, so if you happen to not want to read it I suggest leaving this blog, and if you happen to be one of my family members that might feel offended? I'm not sorry, this is the way I feel, and if I carry these hard feelings because of past events I guess it was ment for you to know and you can decide for yourself if a relationship with me is still what you want. This is me speaking out!

Not Where I Thought I Would Be.

So here I am 33 years old, both parents dead, distant relationships with my 3 older sisters when we used to be close, still 200+lbs, a crumbling marriage, and I feel like this is it, this is what my life comes to. If it were not for my kids I'm sure I would have taken my own life a long time ago, my kids give me a reason to keep going everyday, I struggle daily with how this life has dished out, and I know I'm the one who has to change in order for others to change. So here it is today just 4 days left of 2013, and I am setting a plan for 2014 to be the year to change it all, that might include some not so nice changes and some positive changes, but none the less change MUST happen. So good bye 2013 you can Fuck off now, I'm ready to breathe again.

MY 2013

Wow where to begin, I last made a blog post back in January, and let me tell you so much has happened, last January I talked about how I accepted god in my heart and was finding me through my walk in faith, I'm sure glad I did because it was the main reason I am able to tell you this today. January was uneventful, so was February other than moms 2 year angelversary, March came and went too then April. April began a very long emotional month, we became very concerned about my dads health, because he battled cancer back in 2010 at the same time as my mom he still suffered some ill effects from it the biggest being he could not eat without choking, so in return he had lost so much weight. We took him to the hospital where they ran test after test, and we were all worried the cancer had come back, and we were put at ease when all the tests came back with no cancer,we were told it was a rare complication from the cancer treatments called radiation fibrosis that was slowly choking him to death because it was in his neck, May came and so did a huge roller coaster, while dad was in the hospital he started showing odd symptoms like seeing things/people that were not there, and talking nonsense that we did not understand, he had oxygen issues, blood pressure problems and he required a feeding tube because he could not swallow anything without it going into his lungs. My sister and I were woken up one morning from a phone call from the doctors telling us he had went into cardiac arrest and was on life support in icu, we thought we were loosing him and were told to say our good byes, but he recovered and left icu, he returned to icu just a day later again in cardiac arrest, and so began in and out of icu, by the end of May beginning of June it was clear that he was not going to recover, he was moved to a hospice care facility where we watched him for the next month age so fast, until he passed away on July 26th 2013. He was 65 yrs old. It's been a long 5 months since he's been gone, I miss him terribly, I miss them both so much and feel like life has been so unfair the last 3 +years, I could really use a break, I'm ready for a new year. Here's to trying to keep this blog updated thank you for stopping in, I promise I will be back.

My Day Today.

So I was not sure what to blog about today, it was a toss up between 2 topics, both important, and as a dear friend said "you should go with what you heart tells you", and shes right, this blog is my heart in writing for all to see, so even though the 2 topics are important, one of them is laying here at the tips of my fingers waiting to be put out there.

Here's my day so far:

My alarm goes off at 6am, one hour before I get the kids up and moving for school, one hour for me to sit and just be with my morning coffee and reflect my dreams from the night before (I'm a vivid dreamer, and need to process them out).
7am its time to wake all 3 kids for school, my Rhiannon goes to kindergarten every other school day for a full day,
They get dressed, I make them breakfast, make their lunches, pack the back packs, help the girls brush their teeth and hair, they do their morning chores and then get their snowsuits on as the bus comes rolling in the yard I  say "I love you, have a great day" and then they leave.............
I closed the door, turn around, and as sip my second cup of coffee I realize how cold and lonely this house feels when everyone is gone, I miss them all so much when they are not  here,
My days are filled with cleaning, cooking, laundry, and anything else that needs doing.

The first day all 3 kids went to school in September, I had such a hard time with it, it was the first time I didn't have any kids with me, I felt they didn't need me anymore, I felt that I didn't have purpose here at home anymore, then I reflected back to when mom would call me on the first day of the kids school year (Aidan and Edina)  just to see how I was holding up, she never lived long enough to talk me through Rhiannon's first day.
When  Edina started kindergarten mom told me that it was harder to let the youngest go because then your on your own, no kids with you,
some people would love that, but for me? no way, I miss my kids deeply when they are gone, so I imagined what mom would have said to me, and I use the time when they are gone to get the tings done that I may not get the chance to do sanely while they are with me, like grocery shopping, it seems to go oddly fast when its just me.

So here I am,

all alone,

and looking forward to hugging my babies again at 4pm.

I'm not the same.

So in the process of my grief of loosing my mom and healing,  have come out of it a changed me, I have not been one to talk about this and to be honest I never wanted Jesus in my heart, I felt that if he as willing to allow good people to suffer from awful things like cancer, or grief that he was not worth my effort.
But something happened, one day I woke up and felt I needed to have Jesus in my heart that he would be able to take the hurt out of my heart and teach me to accept myself and others, he didn't take my brother or my mom to punish me, he needed them in heaven more than we needed them here,I have always believed they are watching over us, but felt so hurt that they were not here, I wanted more time with them and felt that with Jesus in my heart I was better able to allow myself to feel closer, I know one day I will be with them again.
I was really unsure how to write this post, and I know some people will not agree with me, quite frankly I really don't care, I am doing this for me, not for ANYONE else.
So in my life change, I needed to change the fact that I can not continue to push people in my family away, I am in the process of healing the torn relationship between my sister Eleanor and I, we drifted apart after mom died, and we have not talked in 17 months, a family that talked all the time was drifting apart as time went on, the one thing mom did not want.
Also my husband and I are also healing the relationship between his brother, his wife and us, a family farm that fell apart also made us blame each other for it happening and ripped trust out of us for each other.
You see these are all people in our family and we allow bad things like the devil take and manipulate us in our thinkings and actions, and its up to us to keep the bad out and keep the good in and everything else will follow.
This is me, this is my heart is healing a little at a time.

I'm still alive!

Wow it's been quite some time since my last blog post, almost 9 months to be exact.
and really i am not sure where to start, so I will probably enter in a few posts to update my blog over the next while.
When I started this blog back in the fall of 2010 my mom was able to read it and wanted me to keep it going even after she passed away, she said it seemed like a way of healing me and using this blog to move forward in my life.
 so here I am.
I'm still alive.
 so let me fill you in.

A Frugal Tip.

So the last month or so I have been trying to come up with ways to save a few extra dollars for our family, maybe even a couple hundred dollars or more over the year. I have done a bit of couponing but nothing heavy duty, the average I save is about $30 per shopping trip, not much but it was a start, then doing a bit of research on making my own laundry soap and fabric softener I realized, 1.its not that hard to make, and 2. at a cost of about $19 I can make enough laundry soap for 6-8 months, when compared to about $9 for 32 use bottle of soap, and thats for 2 week,  it does add up, expecally since my house hold goes through a ton of dirty laundry, its something I wanted to look more into.
So let me share with you my recipe for my powdered laundry soap and liquid fabric softener.

                                        powdered laundry soap
INGREDIENTS-
      -1 bar of Ivory soap (you find this where the bodywash is in the store)
      -1 bar of Sunlight soap (this is in the laundry isle of the store)
      -2 cups of Borax (this is as well in the laundry isle)
      -2 cups of Amaze (this is just a laundry booster just like the Borax) or for those who can find it instead of Amaze use WASHING SODA this is not to be confused with baking soda.
      -1 cup of oxyclean (I just used the store brand of oxyclean)
     
DIRECTIONS-
       -with a cheese grater shred up the bars of soap.
       -in a food processor with the chopping blade put all the ingredients in and run it till you can no longer see big chunks of bar soap. it should all be a even powder.
       - place in a container with a lid
use 2-3 tablespoons per load, this is okay to use for top loads or front load washers.

                                  Fabric softener
INGREDIENTS-
       - 2 cups water
       - 1 cup vinegar
       - 1 cup baking soda
       - fragrance oil, or essential oil

 DIRECTIONS-
       - combine water and vinegar in a large bowl
       - add the baking soda SLOWLY it fizzes up
       - stir well and add the fragrance oil until the desired is reached
       -pour into a pourable container and make sure to shake before each use.

To make fabric softener sheets just use old pieces of cloth in a container and pour the mixture over top and toss, throw a cloth into the dryer with you wet clothes should work fine (I have not tried this method yet)

I hope everyone who trys this likes it as much as I do, I'm interested to hear your feed back and ideas for other $ saving ideas.

Angelversary!

8760 hours or 365 days or 52 weeks or simply just 1 whole year,
 no matter how it is you look at it,
that is how long it been since mom took her last breath, that is how long we all have lived life without her here,
but most of all that is how long she has been missed by all of us.

The day she passed away, we all thought at one point how it was that we were to live life without her here with us, It was not easy and still is not easy, and I know it does get better with time, but for now we can just live for today, besides a year ago, we had no idea where we would be physically, or emotionally  today, and even though some of us have chosen to withdraw from what matters (FAMILY) we are doing OK.

When she was told by the doctors that there was no cure for her cancer, she did her best to ready us all for the day she would earn her angel wings, she did tell us it was not gonna be easy for us, and also told us that one day when the pain is not so raw, we would be able to smile and not cry every time we thought of her, she asked us to remember her and talk about her as often as we needed to.

I still can't believe its been a year, it feels like last week and at the same time feels like years have passed, I find myself wanting her back, but knowing if she was here the cancer would be here too, and she would be in so much pain.

Thinking back to the last few days of her life, and remembering dad as he held her hand and told her how much he loved her, and thanked her for all she had done and had given to him, has opened a side into my dad I never seen before, and to see him today, still making sure her wishes were and are full filled, is priceless.

If I was asked who my hero is, I would have to say I don't have just one, my mom AND dad are my heroes, they have taught me all I know, but most of all they are who I am today.

Today won't be easy,
but we are together and that is all that matters,
that is all she really wanted.

A letter from myself today, to myself a year ago.

Today you know that in the next little while mom will be getting her angel wings, and you may find yourself thinking this is not happening, but it is, nothing you say or do is gonna stop it from happening and you fear that you can't live without your mom, but guess what? you will be OK.

Over the next year you will encounter a range of feelings, some good and some bad, you will want to shut down and just lay around not wanting to talk to anyone or do anything, but you will push though because mom wanted you to, and you will do your best to be a mom to your children, because they are what gives you strength each and every day.

Remember it OK to cry and you will cry yourself to sleep most nights, and remember even though you feel all alone, your not, she is still by your side (she said she would be) just like your family is.

You will learn who you can trust,and who you can talk to, and there will be very few.

Parenting will get harder, just because you won't be able to call mom for advice.

You will pray almost every night that dad is safe and sound, ad that cancer stays away FOREVER!

But all that you will face in the next year, please know...................you will SURVIVE IT.
not because you wanted to, but because you needed to.

He was my best friend!

 My brother Byron was born on this day in 1982, at 18 months apart we were always together, we were so close that some of our classes in school, we were in the same class, some people even thought we were twins, of course we were not, and at one point growing up at about 6 yrs or so, people thought he was older because he was taller than me, which he then earned me calling him my bigger little brother.
 but all the good memories are shadowed by the day he died and let me tell you the day he left, my heart sank, I felt like I now had to face this world all on my own, I had no Byron to buddy up with. I still ask why after almost 10 years why he left me.
He took a piece of my heart with him when he left, I know people say time heals, but I'm not so sure of that, I think we just develop scars, no person on this earth could replace him, just like no person can replace my mom, yes there are days that are easy, an others that are not, like today.

I sometimes find myself thinking of who he would be today, and this is my picture, he would be married, working on the oil rigs, he would have a house on an acreage, and him and his wife would have at the very least 5 kids and maybe more, he loved kids, and could entertain and age child with his goofy self.


every year the calendar hits February and I cringe, I hate February, its a hard month to swallow, but as the clock ticks and the days pass I don't get the choice to shut down, they come and go, and before I know it, it will be March, a new month and the rest of the year will follow.

And so Today is February 16Th 2012, and today my brother Byron would have been 30 years old, today I feel a little lost, but I do know tomorrow will be better, ..............the day after is always better.

Some of my thoughts.

So last week I had a meeting at the school because there were several things that were bugging me about our local school that I needed to sit down and talk to the principal about, I'm not going to talk about all of them that we discussed but I do want to voice a big one.
My son who is 10years old has dealt with bullying since kindergarten/gr.1,from the same 2 kid, and every year I voice my concerns to the school about it, it does get better for a bit but it always returns to the same, and the cycle begins again with me speaking up.
I would do anything to make sure my kids are taken care of, even if that means pulling them out of school and home schooling them, I had even went as far as telling the Principal that I was not sure I could do another school year in this school, and contacting the home schooling center for info but after along time of stewing this in my brain and talking with a lot of people, I made the decision that running away was not a good idea, it shows my kids to do the same when things are tough, and I don't want that.
Instead I am using my life experience (as I too was bullied as I was growing up) to teach my kids to stand up and say NO! all kids should be taught this.
So as it stands my kids will stay put in this current school, and the teachers will just have to put up with seeing my fat ass there a lot more.

I watched some of our home videos with my girls tonight, you know, the ones where you say OMG they were really babies once?
Come September of this year all 3 of my babies will be in school. One in kindergarten, one in gr,2 and one in gr,6. where has the time gone? I feel so scared, like when you have worked the same job for over 10 years and then it feels like its gone because you have been demoted? I know its not, I still need to raise this children till they are adults, which is years away.

When I finished high school I was 18years old, I moved out of home all on my own for all of 3 months before moving in with Eric (which we only dated for a little over a month before doing this). I became pregnant with Aidan just 10 months after we started going out, So you see I don't know any different than having at least one child with me at all times, with time I'm sure I will adjust to the change, but I know it won't be a easy one.

Whats new?

With the new year well into January, and being my last post was at the end of December, I figured I should put a post in about what I have been up to.

So I once again made a resolution for the new year to healthy myself, loose some weight and try and be a bit more organized in our day to day life.

I feel like over the last few years when the new year rolls around I find myself fatter, unhappy, and unorganized.........also I am sounding like a broken record when it comes to this weight loss thing, its been a thorn in my side for almost all of my life. and after watching both my mom and dad suffer though cancer and mom passing away from it, it has made me more aware of how just by changing my life style can impact my not leaving my kids without a mom when they are 30.

I don't smoke, never have, so that is already one point for me my kids, I don't exercise as much as I should, in fact if it involves soreness I avoid it as much as I can, I never really cared what I ate, except when I'm trying to loose weight.

So all these things I am changing, some days better than others, but so far as of last Friday Jan/13/12 I was down 9lbs, I feel great, my energy is unbelievable, my house is getting a lot more organized simply because I have the energy, and as a bonus, because I changed my diet, my woman issues I WAS having have normalized, so I hope it stays that was because I don't want to nor do I have the time to go though a surgery for it, I still do have a ultrasound on the 24Th of this month to check for cysts on my ovaries.

So that pretty much sums up me, now on to other things.

Dad scared us last week by rolling not on but 2 propane bulk trucks at work, he luckily was not injured in either accidents and no one else was involved, but after the last roll over, it was found at the hospital he had dangerously high blood pressure, like 179/103. looking at those numbers its obvious that it needs attention ASAP, he is now on high blood pressure meds as well as baby aspirin (talk about walking heart attack) you would never think he would have an issue with blood pressure weighing 165lbs (he is still very thin).
He is doing OK for now, and I tell him that he has got a lot of angels watching over him.

Well I think that's all for now, the washing machine beeped so that my Que.

Goodbye 2011!

As 2011 is just 2 days away from done, I wanted to blog out my thoughts for what this whole year had brought to me.

I'm not sure what to think of the past year, a lot of mixed feeling about it I guess.
2011 is the year that mom left me. (BAD)
2011 is the year dad was healed from cancer. (GOOD)
2011 brought some of us closer, and others farther from me. (GOOD/BAD)
2011 came in as a lion, and is leaving as a lamb. (GOOD)
but most of all 2011 is the year I learned a lot about me. (NOT SURE)

When the 2011 began, I knew I would be facing 2012 without mom, but I was not sure I could live without her. Why wouldn't I? I'm 31 years old, I have kids of my own, Why would I still be so dependent on mom?
because she was who I am, she taught me all I know, if I was unsure of something..... anything I asked her, she knew it all.
I have faced life for 10 months without her here, and you know what? I'm OK. I have good days and I have bad ones too, but now 10 months later the good days are starting to become more often than the bad, mom said that would happen. not a day goes by that I don't think of her or miss her, but I'm not crying everyday like I was to begin with.

I feel so guilty for even writing/thinking that, and I don't know why.

I was so worried that dad would not be able to care for himself, because mom took care of him, she did almost everything for him, from caring for him while he was sick with cancer while she herself was sick as well, to making sure he ate proper healthy meals, and wearing clean clothes.
 but you know what? hes doing great, mom asked him the day before she died, for him to live, to get up everyday get dressed and live the life she so badly wanted to live.
Dad has become so much more stronger than any of us thought he could, I am so proud of him.
On boxing day, we all gathered together, we exchanged gifts and I was so surprised when he handed my little Rhiannon a present that was a story book, not any story book but one that he recorded his voice in, so when she turns the pages she hears "grampas" voice reading to her, she loves it, I know she will have it forever and one day let her children hear great "grampas" voice. Thank-you dad for thinking of the little things, like mom did. it means the world to us.

2011 has changed me, in some ways good, other ways not.

So goodbye 2011, you have sure been a roller coaster ride, with highs and lows.

I'm ready for 2012,
 hope its easy on us,
we all need a break.

All the best to you and your family in 2012!

A Christmas Re Do!

So last year around this time of year I wrote of how we were planning on spending Christmas in our new home for the first time, and well things did not even come close to being the way I thought it would.

Christmas last year was spent in the town my parents live, my sisters and I left our husbands and kids to be with mom and dad because they both ended up in he hospital at the same time, mom for a low blood count, and dad for bad dehydration, both a result from their cancers.

I would have told you last Christmas that it was the worse Christmas EVER, but looking back today, it was really good, because it was spent with mom, her last holiday here with us. As much as I wanted so bad to be with my kids and husband, I knew I was right where I needed to be.

This year, I won't lie to you it's been tough to gather the strength to do this Christmas thing, and the only thing that keeps me going is thinking back to when I was a kid and my Grandma passing away my mom never shut down on us, she kept going, and that is what I shall do too.

My 2 sisters (Lena, and Shelda) and I have made the plans to do Christmas here in Pierceland, we will all do our own thing Christmas morning and then meet up at Shelda's on Christmas night for a potluck appetizer evening, on Boxing day is when everyone including dad will be at my pace for the traditional turkey supper, should be fun and hopefully we can all together build the strength to with stand the sour memories and let the good times shine though.

Because after all mom wanted us to live, laugh and love, and that is what we shall do.

From my Family to yours: Merry Christmas to you and your family, may you be blessed with sweet family memories.

Dear Cancer!

I have been meaning to get this out for a while, just was not ready and did not feel I had the right words, so here we go. Yup its another sappy one, so if you don't wanna read please turn away now.

DEAR CANCER.
          If you did not exist, I would not be dealing with the reality I am living today.
My mom would still be here, planning Christmas with us, and be the one to cook the turkey, not me.
 I would not have to hear my 4 yr old say almost everyday how Grandma died of cancer.
 My sister Eleanor would still be apart of this family, I will never know why things are the way they are with her, I don't think its for me to understand.
 I would not have to see the pain in my dads eyes of loosing her when he hears a song or reads something that reminds him of her.
  I would not be feeling guilty to celebrate a holiday without her, because she was the one to organize holiday events, we just followed.
 I would not have flash backs of her struggling to take her last breathes, and being in so much pain.
I would not go to sleep every night hoping I would see her in my dreams, and then I wake up and reality hits me she is not here.
I would not be wishing for just one more day with her, just because I was not ready to say good bye.
I would not have to worry about dad all the time because she was the one who took care of him, and I worry about him because I'm scared you will take him from me too, yes he is clear from you for now but I keep in the back of my head that you could return, you did that to mom.
5 years ago you did not exist in our family and you occurred twice in mom, and once in dad.
I would not be dealing with the fact that I lied to mom as she died, I told her I would be okay, but the truth is I'm not, WE are not okay. I still needed her, WE still needed her.
So now we trudge along each day without her and wish we could turn back the clock just to say I love you, and here her say it back too.
Please cancer go away no one wants you, your not welcome, you have done your damage.
                                   
      

And so the story continues as we wait.

I know I said in the last post that I would update to what happened from my latest appointment but being that I needed to wait till I knew when my next appointment would be, I did not think I needed to post an update with a wait till next post topic.

So the appointment with the lady doctor was a disappointment, I left her office more frustrated than going in, and was in her actual office with her for all of 5 minutes. I told her I was wanting to go with the "resection surgery" (one of the 3 options) and all she said was "OK I'll send the referral to the surgeon in Edmonton"
I did not think that I would be sent on yet another referral appointment, I kinda thought I would have been told "OK lets set it up" and be done with this issue before the end of the year.
I told her my concerns with my heart and being anemic, but that did not seem to make a lick of difference.
And to top it all off as we were ending our 5 minute appointment she tells me "oh and you need to redo your PAP test in 3 months, it came back inconclusive". GREAT! just what I want more issues. NOT!
So the drive home with my hubby was really quite, we never really talked the whole drive, oh I guess I should mention the said 5 minute appointment was a 2 and a bit hour drive away.
When I dropped him off at work I told him I was not waiting the 3 months to redo the PAP test, that I was going to make an appointment ASAP so that if it comes back with a bad result I can take that to the surgeon.
So my next PAP with my family doctor is December 6Th and I hope my body is on track at least with that day to do it.
And the surgeon appointment that is just a consult is January 30Th 2012. that's a whole 2 months away, I can do it, really no choice but to wait.
Not really much more to say, actually its kinda boring.
So we continue to wait. :(