Dear Cancer!

I have been meaning to get this out for a while, just was not ready and did not feel I had the right words, so here we go. Yup its another sappy one, so if you don't wanna read please turn away now.

DEAR CANCER.
          If you did not exist, I would not be dealing with the reality I am living today.
My mom would still be here, planning Christmas with us, and be the one to cook the turkey, not me.
 I would not have to hear my 4 yr old say almost everyday how Grandma died of cancer.
 My sister Eleanor would still be apart of this family, I will never know why things are the way they are with her, I don't think its for me to understand.
 I would not have to see the pain in my dads eyes of loosing her when he hears a song or reads something that reminds him of her.
  I would not be feeling guilty to celebrate a holiday without her, because she was the one to organize holiday events, we just followed.
 I would not have flash backs of her struggling to take her last breathes, and being in so much pain.
I would not go to sleep every night hoping I would see her in my dreams, and then I wake up and reality hits me she is not here.
I would not be wishing for just one more day with her, just because I was not ready to say good bye.
I would not have to worry about dad all the time because she was the one who took care of him, and I worry about him because I'm scared you will take him from me too, yes he is clear from you for now but I keep in the back of my head that you could return, you did that to mom.
5 years ago you did not exist in our family and you occurred twice in mom, and once in dad.
I would not be dealing with the fact that I lied to mom as she died, I told her I would be okay, but the truth is I'm not, WE are not okay. I still needed her, WE still needed her.
So now we trudge along each day without her and wish we could turn back the clock just to say I love you, and here her say it back too.
Please cancer go away no one wants you, your not welcome, you have done your damage.