Angelversary!

8760 hours or 365 days or 52 weeks or simply just 1 whole year,
 no matter how it is you look at it,
that is how long it been since mom took her last breath, that is how long we all have lived life without her here,
but most of all that is how long she has been missed by all of us.

The day she passed away, we all thought at one point how it was that we were to live life without her here with us, It was not easy and still is not easy, and I know it does get better with time, but for now we can just live for today, besides a year ago, we had no idea where we would be physically, or emotionally  today, and even though some of us have chosen to withdraw from what matters (FAMILY) we are doing OK.

When she was told by the doctors that there was no cure for her cancer, she did her best to ready us all for the day she would earn her angel wings, she did tell us it was not gonna be easy for us, and also told us that one day when the pain is not so raw, we would be able to smile and not cry every time we thought of her, she asked us to remember her and talk about her as often as we needed to.

I still can't believe its been a year, it feels like last week and at the same time feels like years have passed, I find myself wanting her back, but knowing if she was here the cancer would be here too, and she would be in so much pain.

Thinking back to the last few days of her life, and remembering dad as he held her hand and told her how much he loved her, and thanked her for all she had done and had given to him, has opened a side into my dad I never seen before, and to see him today, still making sure her wishes were and are full filled, is priceless.

If I was asked who my hero is, I would have to say I don't have just one, my mom AND dad are my heroes, they have taught me all I know, but most of all they are who I am today.

Today won't be easy,
but we are together and that is all that matters,
that is all she really wanted.

A letter from myself today, to myself a year ago.

Today you know that in the next little while mom will be getting her angel wings, and you may find yourself thinking this is not happening, but it is, nothing you say or do is gonna stop it from happening and you fear that you can't live without your mom, but guess what? you will be OK.

Over the next year you will encounter a range of feelings, some good and some bad, you will want to shut down and just lay around not wanting to talk to anyone or do anything, but you will push though because mom wanted you to, and you will do your best to be a mom to your children, because they are what gives you strength each and every day.

Remember it OK to cry and you will cry yourself to sleep most nights, and remember even though you feel all alone, your not, she is still by your side (she said she would be) just like your family is.

You will learn who you can trust,and who you can talk to, and there will be very few.

Parenting will get harder, just because you won't be able to call mom for advice.

You will pray almost every night that dad is safe and sound, ad that cancer stays away FOREVER!

But all that you will face in the next year, please know...................you will SURVIVE IT.
not because you wanted to, but because you needed to.

He was my best friend!

 My brother Byron was born on this day in 1982, at 18 months apart we were always together, we were so close that some of our classes in school, we were in the same class, some people even thought we were twins, of course we were not, and at one point growing up at about 6 yrs or so, people thought he was older because he was taller than me, which he then earned me calling him my bigger little brother.
 but all the good memories are shadowed by the day he died and let me tell you the day he left, my heart sank, I felt like I now had to face this world all on my own, I had no Byron to buddy up with. I still ask why after almost 10 years why he left me.
He took a piece of my heart with him when he left, I know people say time heals, but I'm not so sure of that, I think we just develop scars, no person on this earth could replace him, just like no person can replace my mom, yes there are days that are easy, an others that are not, like today.

I sometimes find myself thinking of who he would be today, and this is my picture, he would be married, working on the oil rigs, he would have a house on an acreage, and him and his wife would have at the very least 5 kids and maybe more, he loved kids, and could entertain and age child with his goofy self.


every year the calendar hits February and I cringe, I hate February, its a hard month to swallow, but as the clock ticks and the days pass I don't get the choice to shut down, they come and go, and before I know it, it will be March, a new month and the rest of the year will follow.

And so Today is February 16Th 2012, and today my brother Byron would have been 30 years old, today I feel a little lost, but I do know tomorrow will be better, ..............the day after is always better.

Some of my thoughts.

So last week I had a meeting at the school because there were several things that were bugging me about our local school that I needed to sit down and talk to the principal about, I'm not going to talk about all of them that we discussed but I do want to voice a big one.
My son who is 10years old has dealt with bullying since kindergarten/gr.1,from the same 2 kid, and every year I voice my concerns to the school about it, it does get better for a bit but it always returns to the same, and the cycle begins again with me speaking up.
I would do anything to make sure my kids are taken care of, even if that means pulling them out of school and home schooling them, I had even went as far as telling the Principal that I was not sure I could do another school year in this school, and contacting the home schooling center for info but after along time of stewing this in my brain and talking with a lot of people, I made the decision that running away was not a good idea, it shows my kids to do the same when things are tough, and I don't want that.
Instead I am using my life experience (as I too was bullied as I was growing up) to teach my kids to stand up and say NO! all kids should be taught this.
So as it stands my kids will stay put in this current school, and the teachers will just have to put up with seeing my fat ass there a lot more.

I watched some of our home videos with my girls tonight, you know, the ones where you say OMG they were really babies once?
Come September of this year all 3 of my babies will be in school. One in kindergarten, one in gr,2 and one in gr,6. where has the time gone? I feel so scared, like when you have worked the same job for over 10 years and then it feels like its gone because you have been demoted? I know its not, I still need to raise this children till they are adults, which is years away.

When I finished high school I was 18years old, I moved out of home all on my own for all of 3 months before moving in with Eric (which we only dated for a little over a month before doing this). I became pregnant with Aidan just 10 months after we started going out, So you see I don't know any different than having at least one child with me at all times, with time I'm sure I will adjust to the change, but I know it won't be a easy one.

Whats new?

With the new year well into January, and being my last post was at the end of December, I figured I should put a post in about what I have been up to.

So I once again made a resolution for the new year to healthy myself, loose some weight and try and be a bit more organized in our day to day life.

I feel like over the last few years when the new year rolls around I find myself fatter, unhappy, and unorganized.........also I am sounding like a broken record when it comes to this weight loss thing, its been a thorn in my side for almost all of my life. and after watching both my mom and dad suffer though cancer and mom passing away from it, it has made me more aware of how just by changing my life style can impact my not leaving my kids without a mom when they are 30.

I don't smoke, never have, so that is already one point for me my kids, I don't exercise as much as I should, in fact if it involves soreness I avoid it as much as I can, I never really cared what I ate, except when I'm trying to loose weight.

So all these things I am changing, some days better than others, but so far as of last Friday Jan/13/12 I was down 9lbs, I feel great, my energy is unbelievable, my house is getting a lot more organized simply because I have the energy, and as a bonus, because I changed my diet, my woman issues I WAS having have normalized, so I hope it stays that was because I don't want to nor do I have the time to go though a surgery for it, I still do have a ultrasound on the 24Th of this month to check for cysts on my ovaries.

So that pretty much sums up me, now on to other things.

Dad scared us last week by rolling not on but 2 propane bulk trucks at work, he luckily was not injured in either accidents and no one else was involved, but after the last roll over, it was found at the hospital he had dangerously high blood pressure, like 179/103. looking at those numbers its obvious that it needs attention ASAP, he is now on high blood pressure meds as well as baby aspirin (talk about walking heart attack) you would never think he would have an issue with blood pressure weighing 165lbs (he is still very thin).
He is doing OK for now, and I tell him that he has got a lot of angels watching over him.

Well I think that's all for now, the washing machine beeped so that my Que.

Goodbye 2011!

As 2011 is just 2 days away from done, I wanted to blog out my thoughts for what this whole year had brought to me.

I'm not sure what to think of the past year, a lot of mixed feeling about it I guess.
2011 is the year that mom left me. (BAD)
2011 is the year dad was healed from cancer. (GOOD)
2011 brought some of us closer, and others farther from me. (GOOD/BAD)
2011 came in as a lion, and is leaving as a lamb. (GOOD)
but most of all 2011 is the year I learned a lot about me. (NOT SURE)

When the 2011 began, I knew I would be facing 2012 without mom, but I was not sure I could live without her. Why wouldn't I? I'm 31 years old, I have kids of my own, Why would I still be so dependent on mom?
because she was who I am, she taught me all I know, if I was unsure of something..... anything I asked her, she knew it all.
I have faced life for 10 months without her here, and you know what? I'm OK. I have good days and I have bad ones too, but now 10 months later the good days are starting to become more often than the bad, mom said that would happen. not a day goes by that I don't think of her or miss her, but I'm not crying everyday like I was to begin with.

I feel so guilty for even writing/thinking that, and I don't know why.

I was so worried that dad would not be able to care for himself, because mom took care of him, she did almost everything for him, from caring for him while he was sick with cancer while she herself was sick as well, to making sure he ate proper healthy meals, and wearing clean clothes.
 but you know what? hes doing great, mom asked him the day before she died, for him to live, to get up everyday get dressed and live the life she so badly wanted to live.
Dad has become so much more stronger than any of us thought he could, I am so proud of him.
On boxing day, we all gathered together, we exchanged gifts and I was so surprised when he handed my little Rhiannon a present that was a story book, not any story book but one that he recorded his voice in, so when she turns the pages she hears "grampas" voice reading to her, she loves it, I know she will have it forever and one day let her children hear great "grampas" voice. Thank-you dad for thinking of the little things, like mom did. it means the world to us.

2011 has changed me, in some ways good, other ways not.

So goodbye 2011, you have sure been a roller coaster ride, with highs and lows.

I'm ready for 2012,
 hope its easy on us,
we all need a break.

All the best to you and your family in 2012!

A Christmas Re Do!

So last year around this time of year I wrote of how we were planning on spending Christmas in our new home for the first time, and well things did not even come close to being the way I thought it would.

Christmas last year was spent in the town my parents live, my sisters and I left our husbands and kids to be with mom and dad because they both ended up in he hospital at the same time, mom for a low blood count, and dad for bad dehydration, both a result from their cancers.

I would have told you last Christmas that it was the worse Christmas EVER, but looking back today, it was really good, because it was spent with mom, her last holiday here with us. As much as I wanted so bad to be with my kids and husband, I knew I was right where I needed to be.

This year, I won't lie to you it's been tough to gather the strength to do this Christmas thing, and the only thing that keeps me going is thinking back to when I was a kid and my Grandma passing away my mom never shut down on us, she kept going, and that is what I shall do too.

My 2 sisters (Lena, and Shelda) and I have made the plans to do Christmas here in Pierceland, we will all do our own thing Christmas morning and then meet up at Shelda's on Christmas night for a potluck appetizer evening, on Boxing day is when everyone including dad will be at my pace for the traditional turkey supper, should be fun and hopefully we can all together build the strength to with stand the sour memories and let the good times shine though.

Because after all mom wanted us to live, laugh and love, and that is what we shall do.

From my Family to yours: Merry Christmas to you and your family, may you be blessed with sweet family memories.