As 2011 is just 2 days away from done, I wanted to blog out my thoughts for what this whole year had brought to me.
I'm not sure what to think of the past year, a lot of mixed feeling about it I guess.
2011 is the year that mom left me. (BAD)
2011 is the year dad was healed from cancer. (GOOD)
2011 brought some of us closer, and others farther from me. (GOOD/BAD)
2011 came in as a lion, and is leaving as a lamb. (GOOD)
but most of all 2011 is the year I learned a lot about me. (NOT SURE)
When the 2011 began, I knew I would be facing 2012 without mom, but I was not sure I could live without her. Why wouldn't I? I'm 31 years old, I have kids of my own, Why would I still be so dependent on mom?
because she was who I am, she taught me all I know, if I was unsure of something..... anything I asked her, she knew it all.
I have faced life for 10 months without her here, and you know what? I'm OK. I have good days and I have bad ones too, but now 10 months later the good days are starting to become more often than the bad, mom said that would happen. not a day goes by that I don't think of her or miss her, but I'm not crying everyday like I was to begin with.
I feel so guilty for even writing/thinking that, and I don't know why.
I was so worried that dad would not be able to care for himself, because mom took care of him, she did almost everything for him, from caring for him while he was sick with cancer while she herself was sick as well, to making sure he ate proper healthy meals, and wearing clean clothes.
but you know what? hes doing great, mom asked him the day before she died, for him to live, to get up everyday get dressed and live the life she so badly wanted to live.
Dad has become so much more stronger than any of us thought he could, I am so proud of him.
On boxing day, we all gathered together, we exchanged gifts and I was so surprised when he handed my little Rhiannon a present that was a story book, not any story book but one that he recorded his voice in, so when she turns the pages she hears "grampas" voice reading to her, she loves it, I know she will have it forever and one day let her children hear great "grampas" voice. Thank-you dad for thinking of the little things, like mom did. it means the world to us.
2011 has changed me, in some ways good, other ways not.
So goodbye 2011, you have sure been a roller coaster ride, with highs and lows.
I'm ready for 2012,
hope its easy on us,
we all need a break.
All the best to you and your family in 2012!
Friday, December 30, 2011
Thursday, December 22, 2011
A Christmas Re Do!
So last year around this time of year I wrote of how we were planning on spending Christmas in our new home for the first time, and well things did not even come close to being the way I thought it would.
Christmas last year was spent in the town my parents live, my sisters and I left our husbands and kids to be with mom and dad because they both ended up in he hospital at the same time, mom for a low blood count, and dad for bad dehydration, both a result from their cancers.
I would have told you last Christmas that it was the worse Christmas EVER, but looking back today, it was really good, because it was spent with mom, her last holiday here with us. As much as I wanted so bad to be with my kids and husband, I knew I was right where I needed to be.
This year, I won't lie to you it's been tough to gather the strength to do this Christmas thing, and the only thing that keeps me going is thinking back to when I was a kid and my Grandma passing away my mom never shut down on us, she kept going, and that is what I shall do too.
My 2 sisters (Lena, and Shelda) and I have made the plans to do Christmas here in Pierceland, we will all do our own thing Christmas morning and then meet up at Shelda's on Christmas night for a potluck appetizer evening, on Boxing day is when everyone including dad will be at my pace for the traditional turkey supper, should be fun and hopefully we can all together build the strength to with stand the sour memories and let the good times shine though.
Because after all mom wanted us to live, laugh and love, and that is what we shall do.
From my Family to yours: Merry Christmas to you and your family, may you be blessed with sweet family memories.
Christmas last year was spent in the town my parents live, my sisters and I left our husbands and kids to be with mom and dad because they both ended up in he hospital at the same time, mom for a low blood count, and dad for bad dehydration, both a result from their cancers.
I would have told you last Christmas that it was the worse Christmas EVER, but looking back today, it was really good, because it was spent with mom, her last holiday here with us. As much as I wanted so bad to be with my kids and husband, I knew I was right where I needed to be.
This year, I won't lie to you it's been tough to gather the strength to do this Christmas thing, and the only thing that keeps me going is thinking back to when I was a kid and my Grandma passing away my mom never shut down on us, she kept going, and that is what I shall do too.
My 2 sisters (Lena, and Shelda) and I have made the plans to do Christmas here in Pierceland, we will all do our own thing Christmas morning and then meet up at Shelda's on Christmas night for a potluck appetizer evening, on Boxing day is when everyone including dad will be at my pace for the traditional turkey supper, should be fun and hopefully we can all together build the strength to with stand the sour memories and let the good times shine though.
Because after all mom wanted us to live, laugh and love, and that is what we shall do.
From my Family to yours: Merry Christmas to you and your family, may you be blessed with sweet family memories.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Dear Cancer!
I have been meaning to get this out for a while, just was not ready and did not feel I had the right words, so here we go. Yup its another sappy one, so if you don't wanna read please turn away now.
DEAR CANCER.
If you did not exist, I would not be dealing with the reality I am living today.
My mom would still be here, planning Christmas with us, and be the one to cook the turkey, not me.
I would not have to hear my 4 yr old say almost everyday how Grandma died of cancer.
My sister Eleanor would still be apart of this family, I will never know why things are the way they are with her, I don't think its for me to understand.
I would not have to see the pain in my dads eyes of loosing her when he hears a song or reads something that reminds him of her.
I would not be feeling guilty to celebrate a holiday without her, because she was the one to organize holiday events, we just followed.
I would not have flash backs of her struggling to take her last breathes, and being in so much pain.
I would not go to sleep every night hoping I would see her in my dreams, and then I wake up and reality hits me she is not here.
I would not be wishing for just one more day with her, just because I was not ready to say good bye.
I would not have to worry about dad all the time because she was the one who took care of him, and I worry about him because I'm scared you will take him from me too, yes he is clear from you for now but I keep in the back of my head that you could return, you did that to mom.
5 years ago you did not exist in our family and you occurred twice in mom, and once in dad.
I would not be dealing with the fact that I lied to mom as she died, I told her I would be okay, but the truth is I'm not, WE are not okay. I still needed her, WE still needed her.
So now we trudge along each day without her and wish we could turn back the clock just to say I love you, and here her say it back too.
Please cancer go away no one wants you, your not welcome, you have done your damage.
DEAR CANCER.
If you did not exist, I would not be dealing with the reality I am living today.
My mom would still be here, planning Christmas with us, and be the one to cook the turkey, not me.
I would not have to hear my 4 yr old say almost everyday how Grandma died of cancer.
My sister Eleanor would still be apart of this family, I will never know why things are the way they are with her, I don't think its for me to understand.
I would not have to see the pain in my dads eyes of loosing her when he hears a song or reads something that reminds him of her.
I would not be feeling guilty to celebrate a holiday without her, because she was the one to organize holiday events, we just followed.
I would not have flash backs of her struggling to take her last breathes, and being in so much pain.
I would not go to sleep every night hoping I would see her in my dreams, and then I wake up and reality hits me she is not here.
I would not be wishing for just one more day with her, just because I was not ready to say good bye.
I would not have to worry about dad all the time because she was the one who took care of him, and I worry about him because I'm scared you will take him from me too, yes he is clear from you for now but I keep in the back of my head that you could return, you did that to mom.
5 years ago you did not exist in our family and you occurred twice in mom, and once in dad.
I would not be dealing with the fact that I lied to mom as she died, I told her I would be okay, but the truth is I'm not, WE are not okay. I still needed her, WE still needed her.
So now we trudge along each day without her and wish we could turn back the clock just to say I love you, and here her say it back too.
Please cancer go away no one wants you, your not welcome, you have done your damage.
Monday, November 28, 2011
And so the story continues as we wait.
I know I said in the last post that I would update to what happened from my latest appointment but being that I needed to wait till I knew when my next appointment would be, I did not think I needed to post an update with a wait till next post topic.
So the appointment with the lady doctor was a disappointment, I left her office more frustrated than going in, and was in her actual office with her for all of 5 minutes. I told her I was wanting to go with the "resection surgery" (one of the 3 options) and all she said was "OK I'll send the referral to the surgeon in Edmonton"
I did not think that I would be sent on yet another referral appointment, I kinda thought I would have been told "OK lets set it up" and be done with this issue before the end of the year.
I told her my concerns with my heart and being anemic, but that did not seem to make a lick of difference.
And to top it all off as we were ending our 5 minute appointment she tells me "oh and you need to redo your PAP test in 3 months, it came back inconclusive". GREAT! just what I want more issues. NOT!
So the drive home with my hubby was really quite, we never really talked the whole drive, oh I guess I should mention the said 5 minute appointment was a 2 and a bit hour drive away.
When I dropped him off at work I told him I was not waiting the 3 months to redo the PAP test, that I was going to make an appointment ASAP so that if it comes back with a bad result I can take that to the surgeon.
So my next PAP with my family doctor is December 6Th and I hope my body is on track at least with that day to do it.
And the surgeon appointment that is just a consult is January 30Th 2012. that's a whole 2 months away, I can do it, really no choice but to wait.
Not really much more to say, actually its kinda boring.
So we continue to wait. :(
So the appointment with the lady doctor was a disappointment, I left her office more frustrated than going in, and was in her actual office with her for all of 5 minutes. I told her I was wanting to go with the "resection surgery" (one of the 3 options) and all she said was "OK I'll send the referral to the surgeon in Edmonton"
I did not think that I would be sent on yet another referral appointment, I kinda thought I would have been told "OK lets set it up" and be done with this issue before the end of the year.
I told her my concerns with my heart and being anemic, but that did not seem to make a lick of difference.
And to top it all off as we were ending our 5 minute appointment she tells me "oh and you need to redo your PAP test in 3 months, it came back inconclusive". GREAT! just what I want more issues. NOT!
So the drive home with my hubby was really quite, we never really talked the whole drive, oh I guess I should mention the said 5 minute appointment was a 2 and a bit hour drive away.
When I dropped him off at work I told him I was not waiting the 3 months to redo the PAP test, that I was going to make an appointment ASAP so that if it comes back with a bad result I can take that to the surgeon.
So my next PAP with my family doctor is December 6Th and I hope my body is on track at least with that day to do it.
And the surgeon appointment that is just a consult is January 30Th 2012. that's a whole 2 months away, I can do it, really no choice but to wait.
Not really much more to say, actually its kinda boring.
So we continue to wait. :(
Friday, November 18, 2011
These days!
Well it's been awhile since I last posted here on my blog, I felt like I needed a break from it because I think I was turning it into a pity party for my grieving of mom.
I would like to get back into posting about life and thoughts on it, I will post about my grieving sometimes, just not as much as I have been, putting down on here my thought and feelings about grieving is one way i deal with it, seeing myself in writing helps me see me.
Lots of things have happened around here since thanksgiving (my last post), so grab a seat, get comfy let me tell you about it.
We spent a few days at my in-laws place (a 9 hour drive with 3 kids and a dog) and let me tell you I could not wait to get back home. I was having a hard time being there because I was worried about the rest of my family.
The day after we got home I had a doctors appointment for a woman issue that I had been putting on the back burner and needed to get dealt with, I had not been for a physical in 4 yrs, Rhiannon was 6 months old when i last had one. I know, bad because all that has happened in the last year, you would think I would be jumping to do so. I have developed a scare of not wanting to find out something is wrong, and also scared to not finding out soon enough something is wrong. a war in my head that won't go away.
So after seeing the doctor, I was referred to a special woman doctor, in another town, and also a trip to see my heart doctor about why I am passing out. and not to mention a lot of blood work, and a 24hr heart monitor.
I seen the lady doctor a few weeks back, she gave me 3 options ad sent me home to decide what I wanted to do. (it's nice to be in control of the decisions of your own body).
The day I as at her office I had a voicemail at home to call my other doctor regarding the blood work, it came back I was really anemic (not a surprise)
I also seen the heart doctor a few days after that, and he basically said with my heart having the issues it has (had my whole life) being anemic is making it work harder than it has to, and it also is throwing in extra beats sometimes, he helped me make my decision to go for the surgery to fix my woman problem and after that everything else should fall into place and go back to normal.
So this coming Monday I go back to see the woman doctor and talk about my decision for the surgery, I'm not sure when it will be, I'm sure I will find out around then. So I will fill you all in about that when I know more.
Aidan and Edina have had their 1st report cards already this year and BOTH are doing amazing, I am so proud of them for doing so well.
Edina goes back for a check on her eyes in December, I am crossing my fingers her eye is correcting itself, the eye doctor wants to check Aidan and Rhiannon at this time as well for the same problem, I am not worried about Aidan I would have noticed by now if something was up with his eyes, Rhiannon has not started school yet so I'm not sure about her, I am going to assume she is fine as well.
Aidan is gonna be 10 years old in a few weeks, and Edina 7 in a month. time is flying by, I am trying to soak it all in.
So I think that is all for now, I will try and post once a week, and keep on top of this blog thing, after all it is something I will have for me to look back on down the road. not sure how long I will keep it going, but for sure for a while longer.
anyway until next time.
I would like to get back into posting about life and thoughts on it, I will post about my grieving sometimes, just not as much as I have been, putting down on here my thought and feelings about grieving is one way i deal with it, seeing myself in writing helps me see me.
Lots of things have happened around here since thanksgiving (my last post), so grab a seat, get comfy let me tell you about it.
We spent a few days at my in-laws place (a 9 hour drive with 3 kids and a dog) and let me tell you I could not wait to get back home. I was having a hard time being there because I was worried about the rest of my family.
The day after we got home I had a doctors appointment for a woman issue that I had been putting on the back burner and needed to get dealt with, I had not been for a physical in 4 yrs, Rhiannon was 6 months old when i last had one. I know, bad because all that has happened in the last year, you would think I would be jumping to do so. I have developed a scare of not wanting to find out something is wrong, and also scared to not finding out soon enough something is wrong. a war in my head that won't go away.
So after seeing the doctor, I was referred to a special woman doctor, in another town, and also a trip to see my heart doctor about why I am passing out. and not to mention a lot of blood work, and a 24hr heart monitor.
I seen the lady doctor a few weeks back, she gave me 3 options ad sent me home to decide what I wanted to do. (it's nice to be in control of the decisions of your own body).
The day I as at her office I had a voicemail at home to call my other doctor regarding the blood work, it came back I was really anemic (not a surprise)
I also seen the heart doctor a few days after that, and he basically said with my heart having the issues it has (had my whole life) being anemic is making it work harder than it has to, and it also is throwing in extra beats sometimes, he helped me make my decision to go for the surgery to fix my woman problem and after that everything else should fall into place and go back to normal.
So this coming Monday I go back to see the woman doctor and talk about my decision for the surgery, I'm not sure when it will be, I'm sure I will find out around then. So I will fill you all in about that when I know more.
Aidan and Edina have had their 1st report cards already this year and BOTH are doing amazing, I am so proud of them for doing so well.
Edina goes back for a check on her eyes in December, I am crossing my fingers her eye is correcting itself, the eye doctor wants to check Aidan and Rhiannon at this time as well for the same problem, I am not worried about Aidan I would have noticed by now if something was up with his eyes, Rhiannon has not started school yet so I'm not sure about her, I am going to assume she is fine as well.
Aidan is gonna be 10 years old in a few weeks, and Edina 7 in a month. time is flying by, I am trying to soak it all in.
So I think that is all for now, I will try and post once a week, and keep on top of this blog thing, after all it is something I will have for me to look back on down the road. not sure how long I will keep it going, but for sure for a while longer.
anyway until next time.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Giving Thanks This Year!
I cant help but think back to 2010 Thanksgiving as the same holiday rolls around again this weekend.
It was the last holiday we celebrated with mom, yes we did have Christmas with her but being it was all a mess with her and dad in the hospital, and us sisters spent it away from our kids, it turned into anything but a celebration.
Last year we gave thanks to being able to be together, and show mom that us girls could pull off a nice traditional thanksgiving meal with all the knowledge she gave us, and if we were uncertain of some things we could still ask her. Today its all gone (except the knowledge she left behind). she is not here to be thankful for another year with her, its all a memory now.
We have to do it solo.
This year my little family of 5 are heading to see my husbands side of the family in southern Saskatchewan, I can't say that I'm looking forward to it, because so many things are running though my head. will my sisters and dad be okay this thanksgiving, being the first holiday we will not all be together, I worry so much about them all. To the point that I sometimes can't sleep.
But I need to understand we all have lives, and mom would not want us to forget about our other (spouses) families.
I know mom watches over us and hears our cries to her when we miss her to much, I know she stands with us as we face the times we have to do it solo, I know this because she is in our hearts, she said so just before she died.
This year even though I miss her more than words can say, I am thankful for all she has given to me, because without her I would not be me, and I would not have my 3 wonderful kids.
Thank you mom. I Love You, forever and always.
I also should say I'm thankful for dad as far s he has come, and happy to say he is now back to work FULL time, which is great, he needed to have something to do besides keep Doodles (his dog) company. I Love You Dad. you are such an inspiration to so many.
From my family to yours.................HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
It was the last holiday we celebrated with mom, yes we did have Christmas with her but being it was all a mess with her and dad in the hospital, and us sisters spent it away from our kids, it turned into anything but a celebration.
Last year we gave thanks to being able to be together, and show mom that us girls could pull off a nice traditional thanksgiving meal with all the knowledge she gave us, and if we were uncertain of some things we could still ask her. Today its all gone (except the knowledge she left behind). she is not here to be thankful for another year with her, its all a memory now.
We have to do it solo.
This year my little family of 5 are heading to see my husbands side of the family in southern Saskatchewan, I can't say that I'm looking forward to it, because so many things are running though my head. will my sisters and dad be okay this thanksgiving, being the first holiday we will not all be together, I worry so much about them all. To the point that I sometimes can't sleep.
But I need to understand we all have lives, and mom would not want us to forget about our other (spouses) families.
I know mom watches over us and hears our cries to her when we miss her to much, I know she stands with us as we face the times we have to do it solo, I know this because she is in our hearts, she said so just before she died.
This year even though I miss her more than words can say, I am thankful for all she has given to me, because without her I would not be me, and I would not have my 3 wonderful kids.
Thank you mom. I Love You, forever and always.
I also should say I'm thankful for dad as far s he has come, and happy to say he is now back to work FULL time, which is great, he needed to have something to do besides keep Doodles (his dog) company. I Love You Dad. you are such an inspiration to so many.
From my family to yours.................HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)