If your sick of hearing my pity party heartache, please don't read.
So Mothers day is comming up on Sunday, and of all the holidays of the year this feels like the worst one to face. I know all the first year is hard. but facing a mothers day with no mom feels wrong, There is lots of people who do this every year. and it isnt easy at all.
I won't get to wish mom a happy mothers day or tell hr how much i love her for all she has done for me as a mom. I HATE THIS, i just want this to be a nightmare, and wake up.
and here i am gonna be selfish for a moment. I WANT MY MOM, WHY HER?, WHY CANCER?.
All theses questions and i know they will never be answered.
So I am going to write a letter to mom on here, so here we go.
Dear Mom.
Its been 70 days today without you, I miss you so much, people say it gets easier with time, and I am trying to get though these passed 70 days with a fake smile so people think i am OK, but I'm not.
Mom my heart hurts everyday, Some days are harder than others, and they days that are harder than others, i feel like a bad mother myself, I don't do anything, i do make sure the kids are taken care of, but that's about it, I spend a lot of time crying/laying around.
I know if you were here you would kick my ass for not doing anything, and i am sorry that i am wallowing in grief.
I don't know how to make it though Mothers day without you, but i will try and put on a smile for my kids for that day, after all they do still have their mom.
I don't know how you did it when you lost grandma (your mom). you seemed to also put on the fake smile and chug though your heartache for us kids. I wish i could do that, but i know i will never be as strong as you were.
you were/are such an amazing woman, and i thank you for being my mom, you showed me so much in life, i will forever carry that with me.
When you told me about 2 weeks before you passed away that you feel like you had been waiting 20 yrs for the phone to ring from grandma, i did not quite grasp what you were telling me, but i can say now i sure do know now.
I miss our daily phone calls, especially the ones first thing in the morning, when we would talk over a cup of coffee, these are the memories i will hold forever.
We were in Walmart last weekend and as we were walking by the yarn, Aidan asks me if i knew how to knit a sweater? i said no, it was one of the only things i did not learn, and now of course i wish i did. and like you learned from books and patterns i will too. Aidan was squeezing his foot into the last pair on knitted socks you made him, so i know what the first thing to try is going to be a new pair of knitted socks, he is growing and he loves those socks and sweaters. mine will never be as good as yours but i will try
My garden is going to be put in, in the next month or so, and i am thinking back to when i used to plan out what i would plant, and you always made sure i remembered the zucchini, and as fall approached on us, we soon realized we forgot to plant beets, a staple in most gardens and we would forget them, but don't worry mom I GOT THE BEET SEEDS to plant.
I hope you are having fun with Byron.
And as we all go on with our lives down here on earth, i hope that you watch over us, and watch you grand babies grow.
I love you mom, i always will.
Happy Mothers day in heaven.
from your daughter Corinna.
If roses grew in heaven,
Please pick a bunch for me,
Place them in my mother's arms
and tell her they're from me.
Tell her I love her and miss her
and when she turns to smile,
Place a kiss upon her cheek
And hold her for awhile.
Because remembering her is easy,
I do it everyday,
But there is an ache within my heart,
That will never go away.
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