Dear Cancer!

I have been meaning to get this out for a while, just was not ready and did not feel I had the right words, so here we go. Yup its another sappy one, so if you don't wanna read please turn away now.

DEAR CANCER.
          If you did not exist, I would not be dealing with the reality I am living today.
My mom would still be here, planning Christmas with us, and be the one to cook the turkey, not me.
 I would not have to hear my 4 yr old say almost everyday how Grandma died of cancer.
 My sister Eleanor would still be apart of this family, I will never know why things are the way they are with her, I don't think its for me to understand.
 I would not have to see the pain in my dads eyes of loosing her when he hears a song or reads something that reminds him of her.
  I would not be feeling guilty to celebrate a holiday without her, because she was the one to organize holiday events, we just followed.
 I would not have flash backs of her struggling to take her last breathes, and being in so much pain.
I would not go to sleep every night hoping I would see her in my dreams, and then I wake up and reality hits me she is not here.
I would not be wishing for just one more day with her, just because I was not ready to say good bye.
I would not have to worry about dad all the time because she was the one who took care of him, and I worry about him because I'm scared you will take him from me too, yes he is clear from you for now but I keep in the back of my head that you could return, you did that to mom.
5 years ago you did not exist in our family and you occurred twice in mom, and once in dad.
I would not be dealing with the fact that I lied to mom as she died, I told her I would be okay, but the truth is I'm not, WE are not okay. I still needed her, WE still needed her.
So now we trudge along each day without her and wish we could turn back the clock just to say I love you, and here her say it back too.
Please cancer go away no one wants you, your not welcome, you have done your damage.
                                   
      

And so the story continues as we wait.

I know I said in the last post that I would update to what happened from my latest appointment but being that I needed to wait till I knew when my next appointment would be, I did not think I needed to post an update with a wait till next post topic.

So the appointment with the lady doctor was a disappointment, I left her office more frustrated than going in, and was in her actual office with her for all of 5 minutes. I told her I was wanting to go with the "resection surgery" (one of the 3 options) and all she said was "OK I'll send the referral to the surgeon in Edmonton"
I did not think that I would be sent on yet another referral appointment, I kinda thought I would have been told "OK lets set it up" and be done with this issue before the end of the year.
I told her my concerns with my heart and being anemic, but that did not seem to make a lick of difference.
And to top it all off as we were ending our 5 minute appointment she tells me "oh and you need to redo your PAP test in 3 months, it came back inconclusive". GREAT! just what I want more issues. NOT!
So the drive home with my hubby was really quite, we never really talked the whole drive, oh I guess I should mention the said 5 minute appointment was a 2 and a bit hour drive away.
When I dropped him off at work I told him I was not waiting the 3 months to redo the PAP test, that I was going to make an appointment ASAP so that if it comes back with a bad result I can take that to the surgeon.
So my next PAP with my family doctor is December 6Th and I hope my body is on track at least with that day to do it.
And the surgeon appointment that is just a consult is January 30Th 2012. that's a whole 2 months away, I can do it, really no choice but to wait.
Not really much more to say, actually its kinda boring.
So we continue to wait. :(

These days!

Well it's been awhile since I last posted here on my blog, I felt like I needed a break from it because I think I was turning it into a pity party for my grieving of mom.
I would like to get back into posting about life and thoughts on it, I will post about my grieving sometimes, just not as much as I have been, putting down on here my thought and feelings about grieving is one way i deal with it, seeing myself in writing helps me see me.
Lots of things have happened around here since thanksgiving (my last post), so grab a seat, get comfy let me tell you about it.
We spent a few days at my in-laws place (a 9 hour drive with 3 kids and a dog) and let me tell you I could not wait to get back home. I was having a hard time being there because I was worried about the rest of my family.
The day after we got home I had a doctors appointment for a woman issue that I had been putting on the back burner and needed to get dealt with, I had not been for a physical in 4 yrs, Rhiannon was 6 months old when i last had one. I know, bad because all that has happened in the last year, you would think I would be jumping to do so. I have developed a scare of not wanting to find out something is wrong, and also scared to not finding out soon enough something is wrong. a war in my head that won't go away.
So after seeing the doctor, I was referred to a special woman doctor, in another town, and also a trip to see my heart doctor about why I am passing out. and not to mention a lot of blood work, and a 24hr heart monitor.
I seen the lady doctor a few weeks back, she gave me 3 options ad sent me home to decide what I wanted to do. (it's nice to be in control of the decisions of your own body).
The day I as at her office I had a voicemail at home to call my other doctor regarding the blood work, it came back I was really anemic (not a surprise)
I also seen the heart doctor a few days after that, and he basically said with my heart having the issues it has (had my whole life) being anemic is making it work harder than it has to, and it also is throwing in extra beats sometimes, he helped me make my decision to go for the surgery to fix my woman problem and after that everything else should fall into place and go back to normal.
So this coming Monday I go back to see the woman doctor and talk about my decision for the surgery, I'm not sure when it will be, I'm sure I will find out around then. So I will fill you all in about that when I know more.
Aidan and Edina have had their 1st report cards already this year and BOTH are doing amazing, I am so proud of them for doing so well.
Edina goes back for a check on her eyes in December, I am crossing my fingers her eye is correcting itself, the eye doctor wants to check Aidan and Rhiannon at this time as well for the same problem, I am not worried about Aidan I would have noticed by now if something was up with his eyes, Rhiannon has not started school yet so I'm not sure about her, I am going to assume she is fine as well.
Aidan is gonna be 10 years old in a few weeks, and Edina 7 in a month. time is flying by, I am trying to soak it all in.
So I think that is all for now, I will try and post once a week, and keep on top of this blog thing, after all it is something I will have for me to look back on down the road. not sure how long I will keep it going, but for sure for a while longer.
anyway until next time.

Giving Thanks This Year!

I cant help but think back to 2010 Thanksgiving as the same holiday rolls around again this weekend.
It was the last holiday we celebrated with mom, yes we did have Christmas with her but being it was all a mess with her and dad in the hospital, and us sisters spent it away from our kids, it turned into anything but a celebration.

Last year we gave thanks to being able to be together, and show mom that us girls could pull off a nice traditional thanksgiving meal with all the knowledge she gave us, and if we were uncertain of some things we could still ask her. Today its all gone (except the knowledge she left behind). she is not here to be thankful for another year with her, its all a memory now.

We have to do it solo.

This year my little family of 5 are heading to see my husbands side of the family in southern Saskatchewan, I can't say that I'm looking forward to it, because so many things are running though my head. will my sisters and dad be okay this thanksgiving, being the first holiday we will not all be together, I worry so much about them all. To the point that I sometimes can't sleep.

But I need to understand we all have lives, and mom would not want us to forget about our other (spouses) families.

I know mom watches over us and hears our cries to her when we miss her to much, I know she stands with us as we face the times we have to do it solo, I know this because she is in our hearts, she said so just before she died.

This year even though I miss her more than words can say, I am thankful for all she has given to me, because without her I would not be me, and I would not have my 3 wonderful kids.

Thank you mom. I Love You, forever and always.

I also should say I'm thankful for dad as far s he has come, and happy to say he is now back to work FULL time, which is great, he needed to have something to do besides keep Doodles (his dog) company. I Love You Dad. you are such an inspiration to so many.

From my family to yours.................HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Reflecting back. 1 year ago!

Yesterday was 1 year that we knew what kind of cancer dad had, and what treatments he was going to need to beat it.
And today 1 year ago mom got told how bad her cancer was and that she would die from it.

Its a day of thinking back and those days are still fresh in my mind.
Lena and I left her house in Edmonton about 7am or so, we dropped my niece Chelsey off at daycare and then we had to drive over to her work place so she could open the store for the other staff.
We took the train over to the Cross Cancer and waited for mom (she was being brought over in an ambulance because she was still at that point in the hospital).
As we sat there sipping our coffee, all I could think about is the fact that EVERY person who walked in that place either HAD cancer, being TREATED for cancer, or KNEW someone there with cancer. Its a place where people are given back a chance at life, and a place where many people get told there is no hope. We had both within 24 hours.
There were people of ALL ages. from babies to the elderly, it was ran is if it were just another day in the office, it was heart breaking to be there. we sat there not knowing that we would leave there knowing what we did.

Mom finally arrived with a nurse in tow with pain meds, mom dressed up in a nice but comfy outfit, she looked good. she had a big smile on her face.
We walked down the hall made a few turns and came to a large room, there were some recliner chairs in a separate little area and then there were beds in a row, but separated by curtains. mom was placed in a bed near a wall, and Lena and I on either side of the bed in chairs Mom told me that this room was where she came when she had cancer last time to have her chemo treatments once a week.
We talked with a nurse, and not long the doctor came in. the curtain closed around us, she sat on the bed beside mom, and introduced herself, she was a nice soft spoken lady, the perfect one to break the news (can't imagine what it would have been like to have a doc that was so cold and heart less).
She started by asking mom what she knew what was going on. (we knew that there was cancer, but we did not know how bad)
she listened to mom, she cared what mom had to say. she checked mom over very carefully, and then told mom, that she was going to tell her what she knew from all the scans and biopsy. you could see in her face it was not good (when the word "cancer" is used, its NEVER good, unless you survived it.)

she took a deep breath and began talking. I don't remember exactly what she said because I lost her when she said "TERMINAL" after that I heard words like "STAGE 4" "NOT COMPATABLE WITH LIFE" "NO CURE" and another big word that says the tumor has grown beyond the lung/other organ.
I broke into tears and cried my eyes out beside mom. she looked over, took my hand and said it was OK, "that if anything good comes from this at least we could say good-bye."
Even during a time where she was just told she was going to die, she still was able to be a mom and comfort us. she even comforted the doctor who told her, she was crying too. mom told her "it was OK, its not her fault." That was how mom did things, she did not care if you were her family or not, she opened her arms with a warm hug. I MISS THAT SO MUCH!
We finished up the appointment, and went to the basement of the cross cancer to get mom her radiation marks to prepare for treatment to suppress the symptoms of the cancer.we then waited for the ambulance to return to take her back to the hospital.
Lena and I took the train back to her work place. it was a quite sad trip back, my head hurt, and I'm sure Lena's did too. we never talked the train ride back, we just sat looking at each other , I can't speak for Lena, but I felt like I was in a dream that at any minute I would wake up from it, and phone mom and tell her about the awful dream I had........But I did not......it was real.
we met mom back at the hospital, we just sat there. she called dad to tell him (he was at work) I don't think it sunk in with him. because it was not till the next day he talked about it with her and cried.
a few days later our whole family knew. she asked Lena and I to not say anything, that she wanted to be the one to tell people.
The next few days came and went, she asked me to return home to be with my babies and do my job as she put it.
I sat down with my kids and husband at home and told them, at first like me and other people it never sunk in, then Aidan started to cry, he ran out of the room, into my mother-in-laws arms, and fell apart, all he said was "my grandma is dying WHY?"
the girls cried but I think because Aidan was crying so hard.
I let them call my mom, she talked openly with them, and answered any question they had, even when she was asked by Edina "grandma are you dying? she said yes, but not today.
When the day came to say the final good-bye she was asked again "grandma are you dying? she said "yes, its time, but I'm not scared, I'll ALWAYS be in your heart" she had a way to hold herself  together, even on her darkest days. she was STILL A MOM/GRANDMA, ....................she alway will be.

Happy birthday Dad!

Today September 13Th marks a day of celebration, today is my dads birthday, another year older, and another birthday to be thankful for.
Last year we held dads birthday at the hospital where mom was, that is how we do things ......TOGETHER! and it will always be like that.......I hope.
This year we may not be right there with him, but I am sure he is happy too, that he made it though the whole ordeal over the past year.
I wanted to write dad a little note, so here we go.

Dear Dad,
As I sit here and write out this little note to you, all that runs though my mind is how lucky we are to get to have another year with you.......and hopefully many, many more to come.
I want to tell you how proud I am of you, for coming as far as you have.
The last letter I wrote to you was of me crying out to you to fight and beat the cancer, I was so scared that not only would we be loosing mom but you too as well.
As hard as it was for you to do, you fought though the cancer and survived just like mom asked you to.
We all wish mom was still here, and for the last year to just not have happened at all, but we can't change that, but we can celebrate another birthday with you, and that is priceless in itself.
over that last 6 months we have seen you go from a guy who did not know what to do with the rest of his life, to a man who can once again smile and know we are all here for him.

Dad have I told you lately how proud I am of you.
Happy Birthday.
I love you dad, from your (wrinkles) Corinna.