The first day of the rest of my life!

*taking a deep breath*

OK so after venting off the the last post, I have done some thinking and a bit of soul searching, and talking to my sisters, and what it all comes down to is this.

       1. I have NEVER gotten over my brothers death almost 9 yrs ago, I miss him so much as if I lost my twin, even though he was 18 months younger than me. I don't think I ever will get over him.

      2. After having Rhiannon I think I may have went though postpartum depression, I felt like at the time I had no control over anything, I could not be a mom to her because she was so sick in the NICU unit, I felt I failed as a mom because I could not protect her, my body hurt her. I lost the first 3 weeks of being her mom. (don't get me wrong here, I totally understand there are other people in the world that have it way worse than me,my heart aches for them. I am telling you from my point of view).  I was told by my sister the other day that she thought at that time that I did have postpartum depression. I never would admit that anyway. but I do now.

      3. mom and dads cancer diagnosis up turned my life, cancer has ripped apart of me that will never heal.

     4. I will always and forever miss my mom, she was my 1 of my best friends she knew me the longest, she loved me in a way only a mother can. she knew things about me that no one else in this world knows. I will never let her life on this earth be forgotten.

     5. Now that dad is getting better he does not need me as much, again my sister pointed this out to me the other day. we are keeping our promise to mom that we would take care of dad, he is.  and I would love to tell mom "look we can't do it as good as you can, but we are making sure dad is OK. he is better now!"

     6. I take 0 time for me, (I get my hair cut once a year), I feel guilty if I leave my kids with anyone, they are my job life. I love them so much and if it were not for them I would not be here today. I need to start making more time for me and do a little less for the ones who really don't care anyway. and stop worrying what other people think of me

     7.This weight loss thing is really pissing me off, The fact that I Can have a good day or 2 and then blow it for a week is driving me nuts. I keep saying this and I really do sound like a broken record. THIS IS IT! I have had enough of being fat, I hide behind this fat layer because it convenient, its not me anymore, I will not let this fat  ball and chain tell me who I am anymore.

   THIS IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF MY LIFE.

   ITS TIME TO DANCE LIKE NO ONE IS WATCHING.

   THIS IS MY BIRTHDAY GIFT TO MYSELF.

            join me as I find me, and my life.