118

What is this number to you?

To me it is a number I don't want to have in my life. I feel like with everyday passing it adds more to this number. Everyday feels like a ticking time bomb.

118 is how many days mom has been gone. I still feel like she is on a holiday and I still have to remind myself shes NEVER coming back because she died.

On Friday she will have been gone for 120 days or for those of you who don't wish to see it in days 4 whole lonely months.

I feel sick just thinking about it, I feel so alone (even though I have people who are with me in this)
And most days all I want to do is just SCREAM, I don't want to do this anymore, But I can't wake up.
I want to give up.

I WANT MY MOMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY DID SHE HAVE TO GO?

I am sitting here as my kids are sleeping and my hubby not home. crying my eyes out.

I am going to be turning 31 yrs old on Monday and it will be my first birthday ever that mom won't be wishing me a happy birthday.

I don't want to do this anymore. This can't be making me stronger because I feel so weak. I am crumbling apart slowly with every day that passes.

on February, 22, 2011 (4 months ago today) I was visiting mom in the hospital, she asked me to help her with a shower, and in the painful process she broke down, and said she could not fight anymore. I told her as I held her that it was OK to quit fighting. Deep down I was saying no, you have to keep fighting.

 mom you told me you were never going to give up.

I want to give up too.