All I Have Is Memories.

Memories is all that remain now of my parents, the two people who created me, loved me, and built who I am today, and even though my pain is so deep from loosing them I can reflect back to my memory and dream of the times I got with them. I would like to share one with you about my mom from Feb,22,2011, just 2 days before she passed away. I was visiting my parents for the week with my babies, mom was in hospital due to her cancer just making it to hard for dad to care for her on his own. This day we went to the hospital about 11am and she asked me if I would help her with a shower, I asked if a nurse could and she requested that I help her, so I did, I didn't mind anyway, I wanted to help her as much as I could because after all she helped me in more was I could count and I wanted to soak up as much as time with her as I could. As I left the kids in the hospital room with dad watching over I took mom in her wheel chair down the hallway to the shower room, there was a chair in the shower stall and I helped her to it. Moving was slow and extremely painful for her. I got the water to a nice temp asking her if it was too hot or too cold on her feet, the shower head was one that came off the wall to direct the spray. After I found the perfect temp I started from her feet and legs washing her as I was on my knees beside her chair, she put her hand on my shoulder and said my name and as I looked up to her I noticed she had tears in her eyes, I asked her if she was hurting, her response was no, then she said "I can't fight anymore" and as I shut off the water to talk, wrapping a large towel around her frail body I told her "its ok to stop fighting mom, if you need to go then you go, we will be ok" we cried together in that shower. I started up the water again and continued washing her up, dressed her, a wheeled her back to her room where she got a top up of pain meds and settled into bed, the kids and I went back to my parents house and left dad to be with mom. The next morning is when the Dr called in the family as she took a turn and was making her way out of this world that happened on the 24th. I still recall it all so vividly and I'm thankful for that, but it does not stop my pain in missing her and dad so much.

Taking One Day At A Time.

Today I can breathe just a little bit easier, I still need time, but I'm hoping with that it will get better as days go on. I know that what I'm.dealing with is my grief for the loss of my brother, my mom and my dad, and because I'm not handling it as well as some I seem to let it blow up on my kids and husband, which is not okay, and I know that but trying to calm the anger is so much harder than I can do in my own, I have plans to go see my Dr and talk to him about maybe be put on medication to help me, I don't know at this point what to do and that seems like a step I need to take before I loose my family and friends. Thank you for your understanding and prayers as I continue this battle to find me in all the rubble.

My Breaking Point.

So here I am, today I feel like such a failure because I just can seem to keep myself together, I have failed my kids after yesterday's blow up of me totally emotionally damaging my family. I'm not going to get into details about it but I wanted to write out what I'm feeling on here. I am not sure how long I can keep the fake smile going because its getting harder and harder to hide my pain, I am so drained and I can pray all I want to god to take my pain away and it doesn't work, so I've decided I need to take time to breathe and try and stay here, I'm taking a break from my Facebook, and from my cell phone to just get away from the constant criticism I get for voicing my thoughts, I get told all the time to "just be happy", "get over it", or "move on" and the truth is I don't need any advice because you see unless you are me you really have no idea what I'm walking, so this "withdraw from life" is my attempt to keep my mind straight. So please know I'm not mad at you, I just need space for myself to breathe, to cope with what I have to cope with, so I won't be texting, calling, or answering the phone, I don't know how long I will need to do this but I need to do this for me.

The Fight Inside!

February is here, one of the hardest months for me to get through, its plagued with so much heartache for me, and no matter how much I tell myself to find the happy in it, the sad ones are not far behind, the 14th is our wedding anniversary we will have been married for 10 years, people tell me we should do something to celebrate it but how do you celebrate a crumbling marriage that feels so one sided?, then the 16th was my brothers birthday, he's dead so guess that's just another empty date on the calendar, I miss him so much, I know if he was here I would have the shoulder I need today that is just not available for me, then the 24th, that marks another year that mom said goodbye, she should still be here, I miss her and dad too so much some days it hurts. The 24th also marks the birthday of a beautiful lady near and dear to my heart that has played a very big part to keeping my mind on straight she knows who she is and in case she forgot and she reads this she should know that I love her . I try so hard every day to keep going, but truth is I'm needing a break from the fight with in my heart that makes me want to fall apart.

Who am I???

I struggle with this question all the time, I wonder where the person I was has gone, who would I be today if life didn't dish me a big ol pile of shit? Most of the time I hide these feelings away from people around me, and put on a smile like I'm all ok within, but truth is I'm not, its getting harder now to put on the cover these days and hate how when you allow yourself to look on the outside like you feel on the inside people automatically think and say "she is just depressed" or "she can't handle grief", I hate being judged and told to be happy when I'm not. So where is it fair to me to always have the fake smile on and guard what I say to protect the way others feel? I CAN'T ANYMORE! I'M NOT GONNA WORRY ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK OR SAY ABOUT ME. After all they don't have to deal with what I deal with within me. February is just a couple days away and it probably is one of the hardest months for me to muster through, I've got a lot on my mind and need a way to get it out, and this is MY space to do that, so if you happen to not want to read it I suggest leaving this blog, and if you happen to be one of my family members that might feel offended? I'm not sorry, this is the way I feel, and if I carry these hard feelings because of past events I guess it was ment for you to know and you can decide for yourself if a relationship with me is still what you want. This is me speaking out!

Not Where I Thought I Would Be.

So here I am 33 years old, both parents dead, distant relationships with my 3 older sisters when we used to be close, still 200+lbs, a crumbling marriage, and I feel like this is it, this is what my life comes to. If it were not for my kids I'm sure I would have taken my own life a long time ago, my kids give me a reason to keep going everyday, I struggle daily with how this life has dished out, and I know I'm the one who has to change in order for others to change. So here it is today just 4 days left of 2013, and I am setting a plan for 2014 to be the year to change it all, that might include some not so nice changes and some positive changes, but none the less change MUST happen. So good bye 2013 you can Fuck off now, I'm ready to breathe again.

MY 2013

Wow where to begin, I last made a blog post back in January, and let me tell you so much has happened, last January I talked about how I accepted god in my heart and was finding me through my walk in faith, I'm sure glad I did because it was the main reason I am able to tell you this today. January was uneventful, so was February other than moms 2 year angelversary, March came and went too then April. April began a very long emotional month, we became very concerned about my dads health, because he battled cancer back in 2010 at the same time as my mom he still suffered some ill effects from it the biggest being he could not eat without choking, so in return he had lost so much weight. We took him to the hospital where they ran test after test, and we were all worried the cancer had come back, and we were put at ease when all the tests came back with no cancer,we were told it was a rare complication from the cancer treatments called radiation fibrosis that was slowly choking him to death because it was in his neck, May came and so did a huge roller coaster, while dad was in the hospital he started showing odd symptoms like seeing things/people that were not there, and talking nonsense that we did not understand, he had oxygen issues, blood pressure problems and he required a feeding tube because he could not swallow anything without it going into his lungs. My sister and I were woken up one morning from a phone call from the doctors telling us he had went into cardiac arrest and was on life support in icu, we thought we were loosing him and were told to say our good byes, but he recovered and left icu, he returned to icu just a day later again in cardiac arrest, and so began in and out of icu, by the end of May beginning of June it was clear that he was not going to recover, he was moved to a hospice care facility where we watched him for the next month age so fast, until he passed away on July 26th 2013. He was 65 yrs old. It's been a long 5 months since he's been gone, I miss him terribly, I miss them both so much and feel like life has been so unfair the last 3 +years, I could really use a break, I'm ready for a new year. Here's to trying to keep this blog updated thank you for stopping in, I promise I will be back.